Joey lay there wheezing for a second before raising a hand and letting it drop. “Fine. I deserve that.”
Having used up all his energy, Marcus fell back against the bed. “I don’t want to talk or get better. Just leave and let me die.”
His brother considered him from his prone position on the floor. “You know I can’t do that, right? You’re my brother and I love you.” He sat up and leaned his back against the wall. “I guess I, uh…didn’t do a good job of letting you know that if you were too afraid to tell me about this guy.”
“Call him by his name.”
Joey nodded once. “Jamie. You were afraid to tell me and Pop about Jamie.”
“Yeah, well, looks like I had a good reason for that. You…” Marcus buried his head in his hands. “You punched him in the face, Joey. Made him bleed because of who he is. It’s not the first time that’s happened to him. I can’t even begin to tell you how fast it was over once you hit him.”
“Do you want to tell me?”
Marcus shook his head. “It would hurt too bad to tell you the story…knowing our story ended the same way.”
“I’m sorry.” Joey’s voice was grave. “He tried to talk to me, tried to help…and I was too caught off-guard to listen. All I could remember was you acting off for weeks. For weeks. And my gut reaction was to blame him, but now I realize it was me. Dad. We’re the reason you’ve been acting off. Not Jamie.”
“No, all the blame is mine. I want all of it. I was too stupid to realize he was worth any reaction, any fallout. God, I’d fucking welcome some fallout right about now.” Marcus swallowed and dropped his head back against the mattress. “He’s so constant. He’s put up with me for so long, maybe I didn’t really think he’d go. But he did. He’s gone.”
Joey scrubbed at the back of his neck. “You love him?”
Amazing how this time last week, Marcus had been scared of his family finding out he was gay, now he couldn’t confess his feelings for Jamie fast enough. “Yeah. I’ve loved him for years. He loved me, too, even though I didn’t deserve it.”
They sat without speaking, nothing but the sound of the movie playing in the background. He’d gotten to the end credits again. It would be time to start it over soon.
“I said some dumb shit, man,” Joey said, finally. “Stuff I even knew wasn’t true, like…I know you’re not in the middle of some phase. I know that, Marcus. I was just pissed off and probably a little hurt that you kept me in the dark. Then all of a sudden these people I’ve never met before show up and they all know, too. We’re family. Family is everything I got. Family is supposed to know the important shit first. And I just…I fucked up really bad. I’m sorry.”
“Thanks,” Marcus said, wishing he could feel anything but empty. “I appreciate that.”
Joey cleared his throat. “Tell you the truth, I’m kind of glad that kid cleaned my clock.” He indicated his face with a flourish of his hand. “It’s a real draw with the ladies.”
“Oh yeah? They’re going for the whole gets-his-ass-beat look these days?”
Marcus’s brother’s lips twitched. “Hell yeah, man. You should try it some time.” He waved a hand. “With the fellas, I mean.”
A puff of sound left his mouth. “Now you’re just trying too hard.”
They shared a smile, but Marcus couldn’t hold it longer than a split second. He heard the end credits roll on the television and picked up the remote, hitting stop. Start. When the familiar music played, he closed his eyes and let the misery pull him back under. He felt Joey lean beside him up against the bed but didn’t have the strength to acknowledge him.
“Can I watch this with you?”
Marcus nodded. “Sure,” he said, already slipping back toward unconsciousness. “He was always the real Patrick Swayze,” he slurred, his head lolling to the side. “I’m not even Demi Moore. I’m just one of the bad guys.”
Joey sighed. “No, you’re not.” He patted Marcus on the knee. “I’m going to try and make this right for you, huh? I owe you. Just hang in there.”
Marcus started to drift off with those words in his head. Make this right. Make this right.
Someone should tell Joey there was no way to do that. It was too late. All he had left of Jamie were the dreams, so he latched onto them now—Jamie grabbing him by the forearm at Monster Jam, laughing, telling him later at the train station that he’d had a great time. Jamie reading the commercial lease agreement for the Main Squeeze, his brows drawn together in concentration. Jamie showing up at his door with potstickers in a sweater vest. Kissing Jamie on the boardwalk in the middle of the night. Hearing his voice through the two-way radio while staring out at the ocean. Seeing him standing at his locker for the first time in the Hut…