In that moment, he’s not “Gray” or even “Dr. Gray.” That’s Catriona’s boss. This is the first time I see Gray as a person undefined by his role in my life. It’s like the first time you see a teacher outside school, struck by the shock of realizing they exist outside that relationship.
This is a man who has been humiliated because of me. Humiliated in front of the very people he’s trying to help, who demanded his presence so they could sneer at him and mock him.
As a cop, I’ve had the experience of trying to help someone who doesn’t want help from “my kind.” But this would be so much worse, because in my case, I know they have cause not to trust a police officer. Here, Gray’s tormentors just think he’s creepy and weird, and anyone who has been bullied in school knows exactly how that feels.
Gray has grown up with this. Because he’s illegitimate. Because he’s not white. One might think his life has already inured him to humiliation. It hasn’t. I saw that in the practiced hardening of his fortifications.
He pursues his life’s work in spite of the sneers and mockery. At some point, he said “To hell with public opinion” and decided to do whatever he wants. I can admire the hell out of him for that, but I can never make the mistake of thinking the sneers and mockery don’t hurt.
“I’m sorry,” I say finally, because I can’tnotsay it.
The moment I do, his chin jerks up, mouth tightening more as he says, stiffly, “It is of no matter.”
They will change their tune.I want to tell him that. I want to tell him that thousands of future detectives will appreciate the work done by him and others. Thousands of innocent people will walk free because of it. Hundreds of thousands of victims will find justice because of it.
“It’ll get better,” I murmur under my breath.
He glances over sharply, frowning, but I don’t think he heard my words. He’s just on edge and heard my voice and expects mockery. I square myshoulders and open my mouth to say I think he’s doing amazing work, as little as my opinion will matter.
Before I can speak, the constable reappears, smirking. “That’s all done. Now just follow me. I’m going to take you the long way around. Wouldn’t want you getting too close to the dead room. Might see something you like.”
Gray’s mouth tightens. I keep hoping for a clever rejoinder. I know he’s capable of them. But he chooses stony silence as his defense, and all I can do is follow him out.