Can such a thing be undone? I can’t even contemplate a negative answer. The despair would swallow me whole, and I might find myself taking the most desperate action to get home again. To put myself in those exact conditions. To die on that spot and hope that took me home because I cannot imagine being trapped here forever.
There are worse fates than being a maid in a decent household. I have a job and food and a roof over my head. There’s even the possibility that I could become the assistant to a man doing work I find fascinating—work I could surely help with. But those are only scraps, barely enough to keep me from lying down on this spot and strangling myself.
Yes, there are things in my real life I’d like to change, but I want the chance to do that. I need to see Nan and tell her all about this before she dies. Give her a glimpse into true magic, a goodbye gift, one last secret between us before she’s gone.
I want to make other changes, too. Work less. Play more. Renew friendships. Fall in love. Compared to Catriona, though, I had an idyllic life. A challenging job that I love. A cozy condo and a loving family and my freedom. Most of all, I had my freedom. I could go where I wanted, do what I wanted, be who I wanted. This is not my world, and I do not want to stay in it.
So I will sustain my spirits by telling myself there must be a door. That I can get back, and either I’ll figure it out or I’ll return when the universe repairs its glitch.
Until then, I’ll make the best of it. Be Catriona Mitchell. Do whatever I can to make that role mine. To be a version of this girl that I can live with and not go mad. Also, to not act in any way that’ll have melabeledmad. Keep my secret, blend in, and do my best.
I pace the alley one last time, as if the thousandth will make a difference. When footsteps sound, I stiffen. I’m not alone on this lane. I’ve had my share of curious looks. I entertained two offers of “companionship” before I learned to busy myself whenever anyone passed. Still, it’s been safe enough. However bad the neighborhood, it’s still daytime and even the offers had only been for a drink, while naturally hoping it’d lead tomore. It’s not as if anyone has honestly mistaken me for a sex worker. At those footsteps, though, I still steel myself as I turn.
It’s a woman, maybe in her late twenties. Dark-haired, with a scar across her cheek and a narrow-eyed look that dares anyone to ask her how she got it.
“Well, look at the little kitty-cat, slunk back to see what’s left in the cream bowl. I thought you’d never show your face here again, not after last week. I heard someone taught you a lesson. Much overdue, it was.”
The woman smiles, revealing exactly the sort of teeth I expected from an era before regular dental cleanings. Then I realize what she’s saying. She knows me—knows Catriona. And something else.
“You know what happened to me here?” I say. “When I was attacked?”
“Everyone does. They’re wagering on who done it. Too many people wanted you dead. I can’t say I blame them.” She leans forward, foul breath washing over me. “If you want to make a wager yourself, we can put it under my name. Earn ourselves both a bit of money.”
I shake my head. “I don’t know who attacked me. I don’t even remember why I was here.” I tap the fading bruise on my temple. “I’ve lost my memory.”
She laughs so hard a rat squeaks and scurries off. “Oh, is that your story? And such pretty manners, too.” Her eyes narrow. “What are you up to?”
“Trying to figure out who tried tokillme.”
More eye narrowing. “Do not forget who you’re talking to, Miss Kitty-Cat. I know all about that canny mind of yours. I’ve been a victim of your schemes as often as I’ve helped you build them. You might be able to fool the lads, but I see past that pretty face.”
Before I can speak, she rocks back on her heels. “Is it the doctor?”
“What?”
“Your master. Dr. Gray. I heard he came to fetch you. Nursed you back to health. Have you decided to take my advice? Is that what the pretty new speech is for? The pretty new manners? You’ve finally set your sights on the master?”
She bats her lashes and simpers. “Oh, kind sir, I don’t remember anything with this lump on my skull. I am but a poor, innocent lassie in need of a strong man’s protection. A strong andrichman’s protection.” She cackles. “He may not be a proper toff, but he’s got a fine house and a fine income. No proper lady will have him, so you might as well.”
“Dr. Gray’s occupation would hardly prevent him from finding himself a proper lady.”
“His occupation?” She snorts. “You have indeed taken a hard blow to the head if you think that’d be what stops them.”
“Ididtake a hard blow, and I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“Are you daft? Even if you’ve forgotten the scandal, surely one look at the man will jolt your memory.”
She taps her cheek and arches her brows. Does she mean because he’s not white? What would that have to do with a scandal? Ah, I bet I know. His skin tone suggests one of his parents is white and the other isn’t. Such a union would probably be shocking in this day.
“Whatever the issue,” I say, “I cannot imagine Dr. Gray lacks for female companionship. And no, I have not changed my mind on that count. I’m not sure how traipsing around this neighborhood would help me win him to my bed.”
“Traipsing? My, my, you speak like a properly educated lady yourself.” She eyes me. “I’ve heard you come from a good family, however much you denied it. That could be useful. Get little Miss Kitty-Cat into places no alley-cat girls can go.”
I shake my head. “I just came to see if I could find out what happened to me. If you have anything to add, I’d appreciate the information. Otherwise—”
She grabs my arm, fingers digging in. “Pretty words and manners are all very fine, but don’t you go putting on airs with me. Do not forget I know things that would get you tossed from your fine doctor’s home.”
“Yes,” I murmur under my breath. “I’ve heard that before. Today in fact.”