CHAPTER16
“So, how do I look? Will I do?” Edward asked as he strode into the sitting room through the candlelight. Esther put down the book she had been reading and peered forward, resting a hand on the swell of her stomach as she eyed him carefully.
“Indeed, you look very ready for a ball. Though perhaps… a little askew.” She hurried to her feet.
“Esther, you do not need to get up.”
“Nonsense, I still have legs that can be used. Even if it is not so easy to get up and down these days.” She laughed at herself as she moved to her feet and crossed toward him, reaching for his cravat. With quick hands she untied it and began to rearrange it. “Have you been fussing with this? I warrant your valet did not make it so untidy.”
“Perhaps a little,” Edward confessed, glancing past Esther to the mirror above the fireplace, the better to see what a mess he had made of his cravat.
“Have you been fidgeting? It wouldn’t be nerves, would it?”
“No.” Edward kept his voice light, even as he felt a tightness in his chest at the thought. In truth, he hadn’t stopped fidgeting since he had dressed.
Tonight, he and Julia were to attend Charles’ ball together, arm in arm. It was another chance for thetonto see the two of them together, and integral to persuade them all that the betrothal was real. With each passing minute, Edward was more and more excited to be back by Julia’s side.
He thought of seeing her the previous morning when he had embraced her, with her waist beneath his arms as they had held onto one another. It had his mind wandering, to places he knew it should not be, yet he couldn’t help it. He wished to show Julia more of what could pass between a man and a woman in a darkened room. He wanted to show her those stolen touches, to hear her moan his name, to indulge in such freedoms with her.
I should not be thinking such things. She is my false bride and I have been bold as it is already.
When he thought of how they had been together on his desk, he was both thrilled at the memory, and he felt guilty. Julia deserved more than that. She deserved to be adored and made love to after a wedding that celebrated her.
“I know what has you so nervous.” Esther chuckled. As she lowered her hands from his cravat, Edward went to fidget with it again. She tapped his hand in reprimand.
“Ow.”
“You were going to ruin it.” She pointed out with a laugh and stepped back. “There, all better. As I was saying, I know why you are nervous. Taking your betrothed to such busy events as this, you must be worried she’ll find a better gentleman there and leave you.”
“You are teasing me,” Edward said, offering his sister a mock glare as he moved his fussing to his tailcoat, repeatedly buttoning and unbuttoning it.
“Ha! Indeed I am. I saw Julia’s face when she last came to see us,” Esther said, dropping Julia’s title. “You have charmed many ladies in the past, Edward, but I do not remember seeing a lady looking at you with so much…adoration.”She paused before she offered the word, making Edward hold himself still.
Adoration?
He wished it could be true. For a second, he was willing to believe it. After all, did Julia not hold onto him as he did her? Had she not kissed him often these days, breaking her rule? Had she not explored what love making could be like with him?
She has vowed never to marry or love. She is simply a good actress, that is all.
“I cannot wait until she moves in here with us,” Esther said giddily, clapping her hands together. “What a merry group we shall make in this house. I do not doubt she will be a wonderful aunt too.” She laid a hand on her stomach as she returned to her place on the settee.
The image of a baby in Julia’s arms shook Edward to the core.
She’d make a good mother too.
“Erm, Esther.” Edward began, following his sister to the settee. The guilt was growing worse now at deceiving his sister for so long. He couldn’t help wishing to offer a hint of the truth, so that when the betrothal fell apart, Esther would not be too disappointed. He sat on the settee beside Esther, earning her gaze. “Julia and I… we are not without our problems.”
“As is the case for every couple.” Esther waved a hand in the air, as if she could dispel the words with those fluttering fingers. “Do you not remember out parents together and how often they bickered?”
“Yes, I remember clearly.”
“Then tell me this, have you ever seen a couple happier than they were?”
Edward smiled as he sat forward, resting his elbows on his knees. So often had he seen his parents bicker together when they were alive, yet each argument was ended with a smile and a laugh, and maybe even a secret kiss.
“No. They were the happiest couple I have even known.”
“Exactly.” Esther sat forward. “Your words simply speak of your nerves. Being in love can shake one sometimes, can it not? Until one is not certain of the ground beneath them anymore.”