CHAPTER14
Edward felt the words fall from his lips. There was something about being out here alone with Julia, with nothing but the occasional tear on her cheeks that made the moment so free. It was just the two of them. No one else could get to them here.
He lifted his hand to take the handkerchief from her grasp and dried her tears for her. It was a gentle touch, as soft as he could be.
“Who?” Julia asked after a minute, her voice delicate in the air between them. “Who did you lose, Edward?”
“I have never spoken of this to anyone.” He sighed before he at last found his voice. “I was not always a rake, Julia. I was what my father called emotional, and impulsive. So much so that he wasn’t best pleased when I fell in love with one of our maids.”
“You fell in love?” To Edward’s amazement, Julia smiled a little. It was as if he had said something wonderful.
“Do not be happy just yet. This tale has a sad ending.” His words made that smile vanish.
“Go on,” she urged, reaching for the handkerchief too. Really, she was holding his hand. He loved that touch so much that he didn’t think for one second of pulling back from her.
“She came to work at our house in London, and we fell in love. My father called it a ‘first love’, one that passes in time. That doesn’t make what happened any less painful.” He breathed deeply. To his surprise, he was able to speak of it without tearing up. For a brief minute, he was able to think of the good things he’d had with his love, not the bad.
“What was her name?” Julia said softly.
“Rebecca.” Edward breathed her name.
“Beautiful name. What happened to her?”
“She died. In a carriage accident.” Edward shifted where he stood, feeling the nerves emanating through him after revealing such a secret. “She and I were going to elope. I sent her with the carriage to collect her things when the horse… it had a problem. She died in the accident.”
“Edward, I am so sorry,” Julia said kindly, her tone soft. She grasped his hand a little harder. He entwined his fingers with hers, needing that intimate touch, just as he had done when they had last danced together. “This is the real you,” she said softly, looking down at their entwined hands.
“It is. It is also the version I hide.” He lifted his chin higher, ready to tell her the final part. “We all grieve in our own ways, do we not? After my father died, I threw myself into work to get past it, but before that, when Rebecca died, I threw myself into something that was intangible. Momentary excitement, fleeting moments with ladies that could never last beyond a night. I knew it wouldn’t be possible to fall in love again, so I settled myself for distraction instead.”
He couldn’t say anything more, despite his heart aching when he had said he didn’t think he could fall in love again. He wanted to tell her he doubted that resolution now, standing there, with her hand in his, yet the words died on his tongue.
She has vowed never to marry. She can surely not care for me too; despite everything we have shared.
Even the thoughts made his manner darker, wondering what it was exactly that was passing between the two of them if it wasn’t care and devotion. It certainly felt like devotion to him, but perhaps it didn’t to Julia, and the thought of hearing her reject him frightened him so much, that he kept quiet.
I will keep those thoughts to myself.
“Eternal distraction,” Julia said eventually. “That is what you wanted.”
“Just so.”
“Does it still hurt? The loss?” she asked.
“Sometimes. It happened a long time ago.” He confessed, adjusting her hand in his. “A part of me will always love her.”
“As it should.” She smiled rather sadly again. “I hope you do not distract yourself forever, Edward. You may forget to live life to its fullest.”
Her words caught his interest. There was something there, the hint of something more. He was about to ask her what she meant when the door flung open beside them. The twins bundled out of the door, followed by Lucy who chased behind them, clinging onto the back of Malcolm’s jacket and calling out.
“No fair! No fair!” she squealed loudly.
Julia laughed softly beside Edward. Just like that, with the laugh, the spell of despondency Edward had felt was broken. He was smiling too, watching the children together.
“They have a habit of causing mischief, do they not?” he said to Julia.
“That they do. They are a little like you.” She quipped and led him across the patio, following the children with her hand in his. He didn’t let go, he held onto that grasp. “So, what seems to be the trouble, Lucy? What did Malcolm do this time?”
“He stole my drawing!” Lucy complained, releasing Malcolm’s jacket as Robert ran in a circle around her.