30
Shep
Appalachian Mountains, three weeks after the shootout
Ireturnedtothemountains to collect a few favorite weapons and to check on Ranger who convalesced at Debbie’s home. The vet assured me he continued to make solid progress, although needed more rest and rehabilitation before he’d be back to normal.
Visiting my boy had been bittersweet. Our first reunion since I’d left him at the clinic, he’d greeted me with an enthusiastic wiggle of his butt, his stumpy tail working overtime with excitement. The sight of his shaved chest and healing wound renewed my determination to finish the job I’d started. Since I still had a few loose ends with Franky’s crew, he couldn’t come with me yet, but soon.
I’d done a lot of thinking in the last few weeks. The hitman business was a murky game. Sure, I took out human filth, but to what end? Every time I eliminated a cartel or gang member, retaliation followed and the cycle continued. Innocents got caught in the crossfire, street wars intensified, and hatred grew.
Perhaps I wasn’t fixing the problem at all. Perhaps I added to it. None of it made sense to me anymore.
Being back at the cabin for the first time in three weeks didn’t bring the sense of relief I’d hoped for. Everywhere I looked were reminders of Cam. The coffee table she’d sawed through, her discarded clothes strewn on the bedroom floor, the tangled sheets from our lovemaking.
Determined to torture myself, I picked up her pillow and inhaled. My chest clenched and a goddamn knot constricted my throat.
Idiot.
I didn’t make the bed. Didn’t pick up her clothes or drag the ruined coffee table to the workshop. I left it all untouched because changing anything felt wrong. Like if I washed the linen and tidied the house, all traces of Cam would be gone forever. And then what? It would be as if she’d never been here at all, and she’d be lost to me.
You’ve already lost her, fool.
I headed for the deck to get some air. The mountains had always held answers for me. Perhaps they’d have some pearls of wisdom now.
The floor creaked beneath my boots as I made my way to the railing. Taking several deep breaths of clean icy air, I stared at the snow-capped mountains.
Cam’s parting words at the airport echoed through my mind.
Thank you. I love you.
Christ. She might as well have thrust a hunting knife under my ribs.
I dragged a hand through my hair. I didn’t want to be here, not without her. The cabin, this property, they weren’t my peace any longer. Cam was. I didn’t deserve her, but she loved me, and I loved her. Yet I’d thrown that love away as if it were meaningless. As if it weren’t the most precious thing in the world to me.
No, I hadn’t thrown it away. I’ddestroyedit.
I regretted those awful things I’d said to Cam. Not a day went by that I didn’t wish I could take them back. The pained look in her eyes during those moments haunted my dreams.
Goddammit. I’d fucked up. I gripped the timber handrail so hard I nearly ripped it from the deck.
How could I have been so stupid to let her go? Aside from Ranger, Cam was the only good thing to come into my life, and I’d sent her away. All because she’d somehow achieved the impossible feat of bringing my stone-cold heart back to life. When I was with Cam, that muscle in my chest pumped red-hot with purpose, and I felt more alive than ever.
My old man never loved my mom. He did the right thing by sticking around to help raise me, but neither of them held any genuine affection for the other. So why did I think I’d treat Cam the same way he’d treated Mom? We weren’t the same, at least not in that way.
Leaning against the railing, I closed my eyes and bowed my head. It was too late. I’d screwed everything up. And that beating thing beneath my ribs grew icier by the minute.