“Who lives there, Hideyoshi Toyotomi?!”
“If you defeat a cursed spirit, you pass.”
“Those exist?!”
“Also…”
“H-hold on.” Tanizaki stopped him, unable to take any more. “I think we’re getting way off topic. Plus, I feel like if we listen to any more of this, we’re going to completely forget about the meeting, so let’s stop there for today.”
“Oh… Well, if you say so.” Kenji tilted his head to the side in a disheartened manner. Just then, Tanizaki turned around to find Dazai writing “Hideyoshi Toyotomi” on the whiteboard.
The debate over the entrance exam had reached a fever pitch. Everything Dazai proposed, Kunikida shot down, while Yosano raised an objection to everything Kunikida suggested. And whenever Yosano brought something up, Tanizaki said, “Yeah, that’s a bit much…”
Everyone put their heads together and passionately debated the topic in an effort to select the best rookie for the agency…or at least, that was what they should have done. In reality, this bunch was simply far too eccentric to put out a proposal that could be considered even halfway decent.
“A rookie needs guts,” Yosano argued with a curl of her sensuous lips. “How about we do this: You all have pinkie fingers on your left hand, right?”
Everyone looked at their pinkies.
“We start from the left pinkie…and tear off one finger until we reach the pinkie on his right. If he can make it through all ten fingers, he’s in.”
“That’s way too cruel!” Tanizaki shrieked.
“All right, eight fingers, then.”
“What kind of pointless compromise is that?!”
“Oh, come on. I can always just heal him with my skill,” Yosano said with a pout. “If you’re not gonna let me do that, then how about we file down his crotch and see how long before he cries? That could be the test.”
All the men in the room grabbed their crotches and leaped out of their chairs at the thought of the unfathomable pain.
“We’re not going to torture him!”
“Then how about he challenges me to a drinking contest? If he wins, he’s hired.”
“That’s hazing!” Tanizaki shouted back.
“Hey, Kunikida, you’ve been awfully quiet,” Dazai pointed out. “It’s about time for the star of the show to make their appearance, don’t you think? Please grace us with one of your stellar ideas.”
“…You would pretend to help someone before pulling the ladder from under them. I know you well enough that no praise of yours could motivate me. If anything, it gives me anxiety,” Kunikida said while glaring at Dazai. “Sigh. It doesn’t matter. How about this? If he takes out Dazai, he’s hired.”
“Oh, wow,” Tanizaki said in admiration while lightly clapping his hands together.
“…Anything else?” asked Dazai, peering at Kunikida from the corner of his eye.
“If he argues Dazai into silence and makes him reflect on all his misdeeds, then he’s hired.”
“Oh, wow! Good idea.” Tanizaki enthusiastically nodded. “Anything else?”
“Yes, he could take Dazai…! And then, like, put him between two wooden boards or something, then slowly apply pressure on both sides and blow hot steam on his face. He could stab him with countless tiny needles with the occasional electric shock in between and whisper into his ear, ‘This is all your fault. This is all your fault.’ And after that, he could…!”
In a heated frenzy, Kunikida gestured as if he were hitting something in the air before twisting and shaking it. His eyes were bloodshot. Tanizaki, as well as the others watching in the conference room, were slightly weirded out.
“Um… I… I’m sorry,” Dazai mumbled feebly. However, Kunikida didn’t seem to hear him.
“But you wouldn’t actually reflect on your misdeeds, right, Dazai?” Tanizaki asked.
“Nope,” came the usual reply. Just then, there was a knock at the conference room door.