It’s quiet in the suite and his usual bevy of assistants aren’t hovering the way they usually are. When he’s grumpy Max is always threatening to fire them all. Maybe he finally did it. Or maybe he got tired of being surrounded by people who are only there because he’s paying them to be.
That’s a lonely way to live.
The past few weeks, isolated from Gabe and our little family, have really given me new perspective on Max’s life. It must have been really hard for him to break away from everything he ever knew and strike out on his own.
He sits on the couch in the living area and props his cane next to him. Then looks at me with curiosity. I’m the one who asked for this meeting which is a departure from the usual. He went so far as bribing us to meet with him weekly. So I’m sure he’s curious why I’ve brought him here now that he’s released us from our obligation.
“I’m sure you’re wondering why I asked to see you.”
He smiles faintly. “I’m lucky any of you are still speaking to me at all. After everything that’s happened, I figured we’d reached the end of our road together.”
“I’m still upset about what happened to Gabe. And your part in it. But I’ve gotten a few reminders lately that life is short and nothing is guaranteed. You’re my father, the only one I’m going to get and there are a few things I want to say to you.”
“I’m listening,” he says quietly.
I clear my throat, more nervous than I expected to be.
“First, I’m not even mad at you for leaving our moms. I understand why you did it but I am pissed that you didn’t send money. There were a lot of years when we could have really used it.”
He listens quietly, not interrupting or defending himself.
“And it sucked that people made fun of us for not having a father but it was worse that you never made any contact at all. Even if you’d been absent, it would have been nice to know something about you other than your name. Tank and Finn had those early years with you but the rest of got nothing, not even some half-assed Christmas cards.”
His eyes close briefly but he still doesn’t interrupt. I appreciate that he’s letting me get this all off my chest.
“I’m in love with the most amazing woman and she’s made me think about a lot of things I take for granted. I’m not sure what any of this means for our relationship in the future but I didn’t want to leave anything unsaid. Just in case.”
My rambling explanation must make some sense to him because he says, “I’m always happy to see any of my children, Zack. For any reason. Even if it’s to accept the many ways I’ve failed.”
That seems a little harsh. Even though I’m mad at him, he has at least tried to make amends. That’s a lot more than most men in his position would do.
“You did a few things right. My mom said something that made a lot of sense last week. She said that you left your most priceless possessions behind with them. I wouldn’t trade my family for anything so maybe everything worked out the way it was supposed to.”
I stand then, not sure I can do meaningless small talk after such a heavy conversation. “I’m going to go. Sorry I made you come all this way just so I could accuse you of a bunch of stuff.”
He leans on his cane heavily as we walk back to the front door.
“I’m glad you came for whatever reason, Zack. It means I can tell you this in person. I’ve decided to start distributing my estate early. I’ve worked hard and I want to make life easier for my sons sooner rather than later. I was wrong to attach strings to the money, I see that now. You can’t hold people to you with iron bars. Not if you expect them to stay.”
I’m shocked at how sad his words make me. You would think I’d be happy that he’s going to give us the money outright, no strings attached.
No matter how I feel about him, Max’s money has given me the security I need and provided an entree into Josie’s world. I don’t care about the money but I do care about her. It makes it easier f
or me to take care of her and smooths the way in the world she comes from.
She’d leave all that behind for me, I have no doubt, but thanks to Max’s money she won’t have to. For that I’ll always be grateful.
“Can I hug you, maybe?”
I feel like a pussy for even asking but when he holds out his arms, I go to him instantly, careful not to squeeze too tight. I can still feel the sharp jut of his bones beneath his skin and when I pull back, my eyes are damp and so are his.
Somehow I know this is the last time I’ll ever hug my father. And even if he’s not saying it outright, it feels like this is one of the last times I’ll ever see him.
It feels like I’m saying goodbye.
†
Over the next month, Josie and I settle into a routine. She’s finished editing all the photos she’s taken of me and her next gallery show is scheduled. I haven’t seen any of the pictures yet due to artistic integrity but Josie has assured me that it won’t be too mortifying for my moms to come. That makes me feel better because that was a huge blind spot in my plan to pose for her. I was totally cool with my junk being out there for strangers to view.