Trying to keep the laughter out of my voice is difficult but I’m really trying to have a serious conversation. “You never wanted to with anyone before?”
She shrugs. “Perry was great about it. He respected that I wanted to wait. But when he proposed, he wanted to, you know, for my twenty-first birthday. I was thinking about just letting him do it but then I would look at that picture, the one I showed you and I just… couldn’t.”
“I’m glad you didn’t.”
Her satisfied smile lets me know how she feels about that.
“Anyway, I decided that if I have to lie back and think of England the whole time then what the hell is the point? I don’t want it to be something I close my eyes and suffer through.”
“It should never be something you suffer through, Josie. If it’s right, then you’ll want to do it.”
She looks up at me through her lashes. “I wanted to with you. That day.”
A shudder runs through me. “I wanted to with you, too. This whole thing is unexpected. For years you were just Josie and then one day when I looked at you, I suddenly saw all this other stuff, too. But your first time shouldn’t be on the floor. It should be special.”
There’s laughter in her eyes when she glances up at me. “I think it would have been pretty special. Besides, you’re already my first in every other way. My first love. My first kiss.”
“What? No, I wasn’t.”
“New Year’s Eve five years ago. I was talking about how I didn’t have anyone to kiss at midnight. You leaned over and said ’It’s not that big of a deal’ and laid one on me. That was my first kiss.”
She quirks her eyebrows and then raises her camera. While I stand in the cold trying to figure out how I’ve been so oblivious, she takes my picture.
“Have I ruined everything between us? By telling you how I feel?” she asks softly. When she lowers the camera, I can see the fear in her eyes.
“I’m so scared to say the wrong thing. This past week without you around has been really hard. On all of us.”
She looks chagrined. “I didn’t mean to stay away so long. I especially wouldn’t want to make Debbie and Paula worry. But I promise not to get mad no matter what you say. This is a judgment free zone.”
“Sex changes things between people. It attaches a lot of expectations. Do you understand what I mean?”
Her cheeks tinge pink but she nods slowly.
“And I don’t do relationships. I’m just not built for that. I’ve never cared enough.”
“You’re not that way with me.”
“I hope not. I would never want to be that way with you. That’s why I stopped things the other day.”
She considers me for a long moment. The wind whips the hair hanging from her baseball cap until a long strand sticks to her cheek. Her color is high and she looks so vibrant. It would kill me if anything I did took that sparkle from her eyes.
Finally she says, “You’re worried about what happens afterward.”
“Yes, I am. I’m so afraid that I’ll do something that hurts you.”
“I’ll be hurt more if I end up doing this with some guy I don’t care about.”
The sharp stab of jealousy takes me by surprise. My hands curl into fists at the thought of Josie wrapped around some other guy. I care about Jo too much to let her do something she’ll regret. I’m still worried that she’ll assume sex equals love, so many women do, but honestly that’s a risk even if her first time is with someone else.
At least if she’s with me her first time will be with someone who truly loves her and has her best interests at heart. And I’ll finally be able to shake this obsession with her.
Suddenly my prior reservations seem stupid in comparison with what I’m gaining. It’s a risk getting involved with a close friend but in this case, the reward is worth it.
“Since we’re in a judgment free zone, I have to admit that the thought of you doing this with anyone else makes me crazy.”
“Does it really?”
I laugh at her eager expression. “You know it does. You’re a little temptress.”