“Do you want her to move in?” Lucas asked, the corner of his lip turned down.
“Yeah.” James nodded. He wanted it all. He wanted what Lucas had – a family to go home to. He’d had it once and then lost it forever.
But Harper had given him a second chance.
“Yeah, I want it,” he said again, his voice clearer.
“Why?”
“Because she’s the best thing that’s happened to me in a long time.” He pictured her warm smile, her eyes that seemed to dance with amusement. “She’s beautiful, she’s funny, and she’s having my baby. I want her close where I can take care of her.”
“So why can’t you tell her that?”
James swallowed hard, even though his coffee was long gone. “Because…” He trailed off, trying to work through the confusion in his brain. With so many thoughts whirling around, it was almost impossible to see his way through. “Because I’m scared,” he finally admitted.
He was fucking terrified. For three years he’d lived a ghost of a life. Work, home, the occasional dinner with his parents or a friend. It was as though he’d tied an invisible barrier around himself, one that protected him from the intense, unbearable pain of losing everything he loved.
To remove that protection meant being vulnerable once more. And if he was honest, he wasn’t sure his heart could take it.
Sometimes the only way to protect yourself was to be isolated. To be an island.
“Is it about Sara and Jacob?” Lucas asked, his voice full of sympathy. “Because what happened to you… man… I can’t imagine how it must have felt. You’ve been through hell for the past three years. Lost everything you loved. It’s okay to be scared.” His voice dipped. “Do you feel guilty about moving on?”
James’s throat felt thick, as though it was closing up. “I do,” he admitted, his voice low. “And I should. They don’t get to move on, they don’t get to have another family. And here I am, asking another woman to move in with me.”
“That’s survivor’s guilt. It’s natural.” Lucas nodded. “I see it all the time in my line of work. But at some point you have to either work through it or let it go.”
“It’s the anniversary of their deaths on Saturday,” James told him. “Sara’s parents and sister are coming in for the day. They want us all to visit her grave.”
“Shit. I’m sorry.” Lucas’s eyes softened. “There are always reminders, huh?”
“Yeah.” James took a deep breath. “They have no idea about Harper or the baby.”
“You gonna tell them?”
“Not on Saturday.” James shook his head. “That would be cruel. They’re coming because of Sara. I’d break their hearts if I told them about the baby then.”
“But you need to tell them soon.”
“Yeah. And I will. I’ll speak to Sara’s sister when they’re back in Phoenix.” He rubbed his jaw with the heel of his hand.
“Maybe they’ll be happy for you,” Lucas suggested. “They can’t want you to be on your own forever. They know
you’re a young guy with his whole life to live.”
“I guess.”
“And so is Harper.” Lucas huffed out a laugh. “Not that she’s a guy, but she does have her life to live. And it’s partly up to you whether she does that with somebody else or with you.”
The thought of her being with somebody else was like a punch to the gut. Of her smiling at another guy the way she smiled at him. At their baby reaching for another guy, maybe even calling him Dad.
She was his. Even if she didn’t know it.
“I don’t want that,” he said, pressing his lips together.
“Well you may not have a choice.” Lucas shrugged. “You know what you don’t want, but what is it you do want? Once you work that out, the rest will follow.”
“Maybe.” James nodded. But the twist in his gut remained. Because even if he knew what he wanted, he had no idea how to make it happen.