The Aria everyone thought they knew was gone, and in her place was a shell. A shell that only wanted one thing. Something I’d itched to do all week but had stopped myself, but I couldn’t now. I couldn’t stop my feet as they moved me toward the stalls. I couldn’t stop my hands as they locked the door behind me and opened up my bag. I’d put my black case in there when we moved to the new house, and I hadn't taken it back out. I always kept it close now, just in case.
I sat down on the closed lid of the seat and stared at the door, not moving an inch. The bell rang, signaling everyone must be in their classes, but still, I didn’t move. I stayed right where I was. This was always something I did at home. I may have craved and itched to do it at school, but I always managed to wait it out. Not today, though. Today I was reaching into my bag and pulling out my small case.
I kept my gaze focused on the writing on the back of the door as I stood. My body worked on automatic and yanked my jeans down, exposing my legs. My ass hit the cool seat of the toilet, and then I spun sideways, using the side of the cubicle to prop my right leg up.
My fingertips ran over the scars, the bumpy, straight lines calming me somewhat. Sometimes it was all I needed, but today was different. I needed to feel the scratch of the blade as it pressed against my skin. I needed to wince at the sharpness, and then finally exhale as the wet blood ran over my skin and dipped between the scars.
I opened my case, the zip so loud it made my ears hurt. I was doing this, here and now, and there was nothing that would stop me.
My collection of blades sat in their own little elastic holders, and I plucked out the freshest one. I needed something that would give me quick relief. Something that would make me stop feeling the way I did right then.
I balanced the case on my other leg and placed my thumb and middle finger against my thigh, cordoning off the area I was going to cut. It was lower down than I’d have liked, only an inch above my knee, but it was the only place I could go to. It was in the back of my mind that I’d soon have to find a new place, but right then, this would do.
I inhaled a deep breath and pressed the blade against my skin without any pressure. My ritual allowed me to keep calm. A ritual I’d perfected over the years. I counted to seven and pressed a little harder. By the time I made it to ten, the blade was piercing my flesh. The sharp metal dragged over my skin, but it wasn’t a small cut this time, I kept going, only stopping when I finally was able to exhale.
My head dropped back and leaned against the other side of the cubicle, and for the first time today, I felt like I could finally catch my breath.
The euphoria was instantaneous.
The sharpness of the cut made me wince.
The blood flowed down my leg and made my eyes flutter.
Then it was gone.
In an instant, everything I’d felt disappeared, and I realized what I’d done and where I’d done it.
My body came alive, my brain whirring as I pulled my cell out and looked at the time. I only had ten minutes until my next class, and in that time, I needed to patch up my cut. I looked down at it and groaned. I’d gone deeper and longer than I meant to, but it was nothing a wad
of tissues and some medical tape couldn’t cover up until I got home.
I wrapped the blade in some tissue and placed it on top of my case as I swung my legs down. I stared at the drop of blood flowing down my calf, fascinated with how quickly it made it to my ankle.
I sighed as I pressed my hand against the cut, relishing in the burn of it. I may have gone deeper than I should have, but at least with a squeeze of my legs, I could feel the burn I so desperately needed.
* * *
CADE
The students for my last class of the day filed in as I stood beside my desk. They all took their seats, but I didn’t move, knowing there was someone missing.
I waited an extra beat for her to show, but when the second bell rang out, I closed the classroom door and huffed out a breath. Maybe she’d decided not to come to my class after what she’d seen in the hallway.
Willow had cornered me for the third day in a row, and I couldn’t get away. I shouldn’t have let her touch me, but with my gaze focused on Aria, I couldn’t see or feel anything but her anyway. Willow didn’t matter. No one mattered, not like Aria.
I turned around, not really taking anything in, and then the door creaked open. My gaze flicked over to it, seeing Aria standing in the doorway. Her eyes were focused ahead of her, but it didn’t seem like she was looking at anything in particular.
Part of me wanted to lecture her on being late, but when I opened my mouth, nothing came out. She blinked several times, but nothing seemed to clear the way her eyes appeared—empty and lifeless. My stomach dropped, and my hands started to shake. She’d buried herself down so deep she couldn’t find a way out.
She shuffled over to her desk and sat in the chair, her bag still attached to her shoulder as she stared down at the wooden surface of her desk.
“Pop quiz time,” I announced with a clap of my hands, but even that didn’t shock her into looking at me. She was in her own head, more so than I’d ever seen before. The class groaned, but it didn’t matter how loud they were, it wouldn’t get them out of it. I passed the sheets to the first person in each row and sat behind my desk. “You have until the end of class,” I said, logging in to my laptop to get some lesson plans done for the upcoming week.
The chatter in the room quieted, and it wasn’t until thirty minutes later, I finally looked back up, my gaze immediately landing on Aria. She wasn’t staring at her hands anymore. Instead, she was looking down at her lap and squirming on her seat. Her eyes fluttered closed, her lips parted, and I could almost hear the sigh escape her.
What the hell was she doing?
The clock told me there were only a few minutes left of class, and from the noise now starting to surround us, everyone had finished their work. I didn’t stray my gaze from Aria, though. Not to close my laptop, and not even when I stood.