I go and sit at the piano and I play for her with all the pain and passion that exists in my body. I play until the early morning hours. Then I page the nurse, and when she comes I go to bed.
March
Thirty-seven
Dahlia Fury
(Bring Me to Life)
I am standing very still in a white room. There is nothing in the room but a white table and six white chairs. The room has no windows, but it is filled with a white light that is very bright but it is not blinding. It has no source, just seems to be everywhere. It permeates everything. Even me. It flows through me giving me perfect peace, perfect bliss.
Time doesn’t exist, at least I don’t feel it passing. I know I am waiting for something or someone, but I don’t know what. I don’t feel anxious. I feel peaceful. Sometimes I think I can feel someone touching me. I’m not sure because I can’t see that I have a body. A nurse. She has cool, impersonal hands. A needle pricking my arm. A tube down my mouth, my neck lifted up … and yet I have no body.
Strange. Bewildering and alien, but I am not afraid. Everything is perfect here.
Other times another touch. A man. I know him very well, but I can’t understand what he is doing there. Our fingers entwined. It’s familiar and fills me with longing, but I don’t know what for.
There are other voices. Indistinct but happy. They reassure me. I’m glad they are there even though I cannot make any sense of what they are saying or why they are there.
Often I hear beautiful music, and there is so much love and sadness in the music. It feels as if it is calling to me but I cannot get to it.
Zane
So what if we didn’t make it to the concert. There will be others.
Stella
Oh! My smokehouse! You are not going to believe what happened, Dahlia. This is big. This is real big. Mark and I kissed!
April
Thirty-eight
Noah
I rush to Zane’s study and knock on his door. Even before he can call, ‘come’ I open it and enter.
‘What is it?’ he says springing up in alarm.
‘You have to come with me. I have to show you something,’ I say quickly. I can barely contain my excitement. My heart is beating in my chest.
His face becomes pale under his tan. ‘What’s wrong?’ he asks urgently.
‘Just come with me,’ I urge, and start pulling him down the corridor.
He falls into step beside me. Outside Dahlia’s door I pause and look at him. There are lines on his face that were not there a few months ago. How much he has changed. I turn the handle and let him enter.
He stops almost immediately. Then he runs to her bed, his hands outstretched. He touches her skin. He stares down at her face. He listens to her chest. Then he turns to me.
‘What the hell?’ he shouts wildly.
‘The new maid accidentally turned off the wrong switch while she was vacuuming,’ I say.
He starts laughing. Like a mad man. ‘Fuck, Noah. She’s breathing on her own,’ he shouts.
I start laughing too.
His eyes are shining. ‘This is good,’ he says. ‘It’s fucking good.’
I nod and he rushes to me, throws his arms around me and pulls me into a great big bear hug. For a second I am too shocked to do anything, then I hug him back tightly.
When he lets go there are tears in his eyes
‘Shit. I’m crying,’ he says. He wipes them with the sides of his hands. ‘I’ve never cried tears of joy in my life. I never even knew what the phrase meant.’
‘I’m really glad,’ I say softly.
‘Who took the tube out?’
I point at Jane who is standing silently by the curtain. ‘Jane did.’
He turns to look at her. ‘Great. Just great. Well done.’
Then he turns to look at me, shaking his head and grinning from to ear to ear. He turns back to Jane. ‘Have you called the doctor?’ he asks suddenly.
‘The doctor is on his way,’ she says.
‘Well done,’ he tells her. He faces me. ‘About the maid, give her a bonus, two years’ wages, and fire her. Get someone more experienced to clean Dahlia’s room.’
‘Yes, boss.’
He goes back to the bed and looks down at Dahlia, his eyes roaming her face possessively.
He turns his head to me. ‘I can’t believe it, Noah,’ he says with a big grin.
‘I know,’ I say. ‘I nearly had a heart attack myself when I came in and saw what she had done.’
He laughs again. A deep belly laugh of pure joy
‘Right, I’ll be outside if you need me,’ I say, and leave the room.
Stella
‘You may not be able to see me right now, Dahlia, but I’m freaking killing it doing the happy dance!’
June
Thirty-nine
Zane
It’s a hot, muggy night, and it’s been one of those days when I feel her loss more keenly. As Bernadette told me, there’ll be good days and bad days. You just have to weather the bad days and the good days will roll on in.