My hand reflexively shot out not to shove her away, but to stop her from coming any closer to me, but to my horror, the force of my hand caused her to fly backwards and almost slam into the wall. I stared at her sprawled on the floor. My hand trembled as it instinctively reached for her.
She got to her feet, slowly and quietly.
I couldn’t speak. I was afraid. I kept pretending to myself that I wanted her to walk away, but the idea of losing her permanently terrified me.
She didn’t meet my eyes as she walked away.
I knew this was my best chance of letting her go. If she walked away now, she would never come back, but suddenly I couldn’t breathe. I pushed my chair forward, grabbed her waist and pulled her to me. Turning her around, I leaned forward, buried my face in her stomach, and refused to let her go. I was filled with remorse.
She remained still, then she spoke very quietly, “Apologize.”
“I’m sorry …” my voice shook. “I am so, so sorry. I would never, ever hurt you. It was an accident. A pure accident.”
She loosened my grip from around her then and began to pick up the fallen utensils.
I stayed still and didn’t dare meet her gaze.
She placed them on the counter, turned off the gas, and then returned to the meal that she had been unpacking.
I turned the chair around to face her. “I don’t want you to be in danger Della-Ray,” I pleaded with her. “Please listen to me.”
“I don’t want you to be alone. Not at this time. And I’ve told you, it’s not for you. It’s for my own peace of mind.”
“Why does it bother you so much if I’m hurt or not?”
“How the hell would I know?” she yelled, finally turning to me. The sudden outburst surprised even her. Della turned around and leaned against the counter to catch her breath. “I’ll be out of here when you can stand on your own.”
Gage
She didn’t know it, but I understood exactly what she was talking about. My safety rattled her peace of mind just as hers did mine. But neither of us wanted to acknowledge it because that would solidify the dilemma in a way that couldn’t be resolved without a painful ending.
“I’m in a position right now where all I can tell you about myself, is that I care about you. Is it enough?” I asked
She halted. “Enough for what?”
“Enough for you to put your life on the line to be with me. Because if it is not enough, then you better leave right now.”
She stilled once again, then left the counter to retrieve a plate from the cupboard. Her answer when it came was strained and filled with desperate hope, “Are you saying that you want to be with me?”
“I want to try, I’m not sure I’m capable of being the man you need.”
“What does that even mean?”
“That it’s the wrong time … for the both of us. I’m still filled with wounds that haven’t healed. I don’t want to make you become another. And I can’t walk away yet. I’ve got something I have to do. So please trust me, and give me time. If I … if it’s meant to be, I’ll come back to you.”
She dropped her gaze and clasped her hands tightly. “I’m not asking for—a future with you. All I know is you’re terribly injured right now and I’m not going to leave you to handle it all on your own. I owe that much to you.”
“Okay,” I said softly. “That’s a good starting place.”
She still couldn’t look me in the eyes. “I only stopped by to bring you food. Why don’t you go sit on the bed and I’ll bring it to you?”
“Okay …” I rolled the chair towards the bedroom.
Della
I was longing for a future with him. It was my dream, the thing I prayed for, but I was too afraid to believe that it could even be possible. A haze of doubts and fears regarding his safety, mine and Jess’s made any thoughts of a life with him seem like a fantasy. And I never was one to believe in fantasies. I knew there was no Santa Clause before any of the other kids at school.
I didn’t want to be late for my shift at the bar so I quickly popped his still warm food on the plate and seconds later, I was walking towards his bedroom carrying a tray of food and drink.
He was sitting by the window. It looked out to an empty field. There was absolutely nothing to see, but he was admiring the scenery.
I knew somehow that he was no longer in the room, but in some private hell of his. “Why don’t you eat it while the food is hot,” I said placing the meal on the nightstand.