5
BILLIE’S POV
Icouldn't stop staring at Cody, which wasn't great since we hadn't really spent any time alone after we'd slept together last week. That was my decision. I'd actively tried to make sure that we weren't by ourselves so we didn't cave to temptation again. With the threat of danger imminent, and the secret I was keeping from him, it wasn't wise to go there again. At least that was how I kept justifying it to myself. I knew that if we were by ourselves again, we would be kissing within seconds, touching each other, and probably having sex all over again. That just couldn't happen.
But that didn't stop me from watching him across the room while he worked out in the temporary gym because his body was insane. So muscular, so sexy, my mouth might as well have been watering with need. Fucking hell.
"Mommy, are you even listening to me?" Joey asked me.
My head snapped around, and guilt flooded me. Shit, I really should have been listening to my son read a little bit better. I never really thought about the homeschooling side of things when we ran away from New York, and it wasn't the easiest thing to do. I was just lucky that the guys were helping me out. I had them all doing lessons with Joey, which was great for my son because he was having fun interacting with other people, but I did feel bad for the men.
Mind you, they'd done everything that they could to reassure me they didn't mind. They were happy to help me out, which was a big relief.
So far, so good. It was all great. This safe house really did seem to be too far away from civilization or anything that could lead to us. There had been no sign of the Russians finding me, and we were all having a good time.
My only real issue was sleeping with Cody had complicated things. Now it made it even more difficult for me to tell him the truth.
I shook my head, trying to settle my restless mind as much as I could, and smiled at my boy. "I'm sorry, Joey, you're reading really well. Carry on."
He didn't. His face fell. "Mom, I don't want to read anymore. I want to go back home. Back to school. I miss my friends and my classes. I like school."
A thick lump formed in my throat. Mom guilt was agony at the best of times, but this was truly the worst that it had ever been. I couldn't stand it.
"We will go back soon," I whispered back as I hugged my son. "I'm sorry, Joey, I know this is really hard, for all of us, but as soon as it's safe to do so we will go home. Then we can get back to normal, okay? It's all going to be okay," I reassured, although back home and back to normal just felt like an alien concept to me. I couldn't picture us going back to New York any time soon. A little bit of me felt like we would be staying away from that life for quite a long time to come.
But I wasn't going to tell Joey that because that could be a temporary feeling. I could end up so bored of this safe house that all I wanted to do was go back home. Plus, it definitely wasn't something that he needed to hear right now.
"Let's just put the book down for a moment, okay?" I said kindly to Joey. "You've done some great work for now. Let's just have a break."
Joey nodded very enthusiastically. "Yes! Thank you, Mommy."
He jumped up and ran to the gym to join in with what Cody was doing. Well, not mimicking exactly what Cody was doing, he more just jumped around and talked to him, probably interrupting his workout. But Cody didn't mind. He loved talking to Joey.
Seeing them together was bittersweet for me. It wasn’t a sight I thought I would ever get to see. I left without looking back, knowing this would never happen. So, it tugged at all my heart strings to see them getting along so well.
But on the other hand, seeing them together without telling them the truth was really hard for me. I was starting to worry that maybe I'd left it too long now, and that it wouldn't be received well. Surely Cody was going to have far too many questions for me––ones that I would be unable to answer.
My chest got tight, that uncomfortable panic zapped around in the pit of my stomach. I could see that I'd done wrong, and the more time that passed, the more the secret haunted me. I kept mulling over when I should have been honest. Starting with six years ago. Why was I so damn scared? I lost Cody anyway by running away. If I'd told him the truth, at least, I would have given him the chance to make an informed decision either way. If he'd pushed me away then fine, that would have been what he wanted to do. But if he hadn't...
Well, that was a rabbit hole I didn't want to fall into because it scared me. It was terrifying to imagine where our relationship could be now. No, not even relationship, if things had continued down that path, we would have been a family.
Then I probably should have told him when I first laid eyes on him once more, especially since I knew we were going to be together for the foreseeable future. And I definitely should have been honest when we slept together. Before the fire got the best of us, I should have opened my mouth. Or afterwards. Even if it felt weird to do so, I should have just been honest with everything.
Instead, I kicked him out. I was all shy and nervous. I got rid of him, and I have done everything I could to avoid him ever since. So now it was fucking awkward.
"Hey, Joey," Phoenix declared as he strolled into the room. "Are you ready for some math? I’ve found some super cool algebra for us to work on."
Joey responded much too enthusiastically to that remark. He was definitely more thrilled about this than he was when reading with me. But then again, Phoenix was great with Joey. He was awesome with kids, and he seemed to really enjoy the math lessons. Thank God because that was not my area of expertise.
"Thank you for this, Phoenix," I said as I rested my hand on his arm. "You have no idea how much this means to me. I really do appreciate it."
"Oh, don't you worry. I'm enjoying it. We both are, aren't we buddy?"
I could see the way that Joey looked up to Phoenix. It was really sweet. Not something that I wanted to get in the way of, so while they got down to work, I wandered aimlessly into the kitchen to find Jasper mulling over the dinner menu.
I hadn't had much time to talk to Jasper as yet, but that gnawing sensation of intrigue inside of me hadn't gone anywhere. I really wanted us to get to know each other.
"Hey, do you need a hand?" I asked him as I moved closer to him. "What are you cooking? Soups? Ooh, I love soups. What a selection you have here! Seem to be from around the world?"
"Yeah, I love soups from around the world. The flavors and everything..."
"Have you done a lot of traveling?" I leaned on the counter and looked up at him through my eyelashes, desperate to open him up a little. "Where was your favorite place to go? I always loved food in Japan and East Asia."
His eyes locked on mine and lit up. "Me too. Wow, that's funny. I didn't think we would have anything in common. Huh, Japan, really?"
"Well, we probably haven't talked as much as we should have, right?"
He looked a little shocked at this remark, like it was a crazy idea. But he wanted to get to know me too, right? I mean, I’ve caught him watching me a lot. I usually find his eyes on me whenever we are in the same room, but he never approached me to strike up a conversation. I just kinda thought it was a confidence thing. Or maybe because he knew that I shared a history with Cody.
"Anyway, we can talk now as we cook," I continued, because I wasn't about to let this chance go. There was no point in us all being in this same house for God knows how long––who knew when all of this was going to be over––without getting to know each other. "I will help make the soup."
I stood by him and listened to his cooking instructions. As we cooked, I could hear Joey in the other room working hard with Phoenix and being totally engaged. A little smile formed on my face as I stole a glance up at Jasper who was stirring the pot with a smile of his own. Cooking with Jasper was oddly calming, for both of us it seemed. I found him relaxing a little more as we worked together, which was great because it meant I could talk to him.
"So, where did you grow up, Jasper?"
"Rocheport, Missouri," he said with a lop sided smile. "But I always felt like I didn't belong there. It's a beautiful place, and very rural, which was great when my wolf shifter kicked in. I had plenty of space to run around and to be free, to explore this new side of my life, but I still wanted out. I couldn't help it."
I nodded. "Yeah, I understand that. As soon as I left the military, I knew I couldn't go back to South Carolina. That's why I picked New York as my new destination because I wanted the anonymity of the big city."
He shot me a familiar smile, getting that we actually had more in common than he gave me credit for. See? All he had to do was give me a chance. I wasn't sure what impression Jasper had of me, but I hoped it was now a good one.
"Did you enjoy your time in the military?" he asked me.
"Oh yeah," I replied seriously. "I loved it. I never wanted to leave."
All the security jobs that I'd had afterwards sucked in comparison. They were dull and uninteresting, nothing exciting or inspiring happened. Well, until the Russians started chasing after me anyway. But it was the kind of life I needed to live for my son.
"And why did you leave?" Jasper asked innocently as he cooked. Clearly if Cody had figured anything out in his head, he hadn't shared it with his friend.
"Because I was pregnant," I said quietly, not needing anyone else to overhear this. “I know I didn’t need to leave because I was having a baby, but to me, it felt like the time to make a big change."
"I see. I get it." When Jasper winked at me, I really did feel understood. It was a warm and fuzzy feeling. I thought Jasper was quite an intense person, but as he chilled out a little and stopped stressing, his sweet side began to emerge.
"But now I'm in the middle of danger anyway." I tried to laugh, but the sound was painful and strangled. "I tried to keep my son safe, and it hasn't worked."
"Oh you do know that this isn't your fault, right?" He turned around to face me head on, sympathy flooding his expression. "The person who leaked the details about Project Hammond is to blame. The murderers are to blame. You can't take any of the guilt on your shoulders for this."
"But if I hadn't been a part of Project Hammond..."
"Hey, hey, hey." He silenced me. "You did that years ago. That was your job. It was your assignment. Plenty of us do assignments all the time. We don't ever think that the work we do is going to come back on us."
Huh, when he put it like that, it took me back a bit. Was he right? Had I been harboring more guilt about this than I needed to? I wasn't quite sure what to say. Luckily, Jasper didn't seem to have the same issue.
"Hey, will you try some of this soup? I want to know how it tastes."
Before I could even think to react, he filled the spoon and pressed it to my lips. It was shocking to know that he was going to feed me, but since Jasper was acting like it was the most natural thing in the world to do, I did the same.
I tasted the soup with my eyes fixed on his the entire time. The look in his eyes had my stomach fluttering like crazy. Ooh, this was surprisingly electrifying. Sure, I had an all too familiar chemistry with Cody, that wasn't going anywhere, but this was something new.
Fuck, did I like Jasper as well? I'd kinda felt a bit of something surging and sizzling between us from the very first time we locked eyes, but that was nothing compared to this. This was so powerful, all I wanted to do was lift up on my tiptoes to kiss him. If I didn't think that I would freak Jasper out, I would do it.
But I couldn't, because I didn't want to push him away. Jasper seemed like the sort of person who needed time to adjust to something new.
So, I tasted the soup––it was delicious––and then I tasted the next one that he was making as well. My God, Jasper was one hell of a chef. This was definitely one of his incredible talents. I wanted to know more.
"Ooh, look at that," Jasper giggled. "You spilled some."
Oh fuck. The feeling of his thumb grazing near my lips was too much. My heart was doused in flames now. Did Jasper know what he was doing to me? Could he see how weak I was in the knees? Whoa, every fiber of my being was being pulled in right now. It was almost as if the rest of the world didn't exist at all. It was only me and Jasper. That was the wondrous power his intensity had over me.
I cocked my head slightly to one side, watching intently as he did the same thing. I swallowed hard, now really unsure of what I was supposed to do. I'd prevented myself from kissing Jasper before because I wasn't sure how he would react, but now it seemed like he wanted it too. He had a glazed over desire flooding his gaze, making it incredibly hard for me to pull back from what I really wanted to do.
My head and my heart were fighting about how this was going to go. I didn't know which one to follow––I didn't know which path was the right one to take.
"Hey there." Fucking hell, that was Cody. I jumped back like I'd been electrocuted, which made the pair of us look even more guilty than we actually were. I might have been thinking about kissing Jasper, but we didn't actually do it, so there was nothing to feel guilty about, right?
"Oh hey there, Cody." Jasper smiled widely. He had no idea what he was in the middle of, so he was cool as a cucumber. "Good to see you, buddy. Do you want to taste my soups? I've been working really hard on them. Well, we have been working really hard on the soups. Billie has been helping me a lot."
"Yeah, sounds good, Jasper. Thanks."
I stepped back, but for some reason, I didn't leave the room. I could have walked out easily and not looked back, but I didn't. I remained awkwardly in the corner of the room and watched the weirdness in front of me unfold.
Cody tasted the soup and made nice comments about all of them. In my other ear, I could still hear Joey and Phoenix talking as well. It was weird, almost like I was in the middle of some movie, and completely unable to react one way or the other.
"That's great, Jasper," Cody finally said in a serious tone. "But I was actually hoping that I might get a moment alone with Billie, if that's alright." He turned to look at me with a question in his eyes. The question that had likely been there ever since we slept together, and I'd been actively avoiding him. But not anymore. "If you have the time. Billie? I know you have a lot going on with Joey?"
"Oh, well, Joey is working with Phoenix right now on math," Jasper interjected, likely thinking that he was being helpful. But what he was actually doing was taking away my one excuse I had to not have this conversation. "So, you're free, right, Billie? Because I have everything under control in the kitchen."
"Err, right." I nodded. "Sure, yeah, we can have a conversation. I don't see why not. Where do you want to go to have this private conversation?"
I folded my arms across my chest to try and protect myself from my feelings and my fear as well, but nothing was going to work. I couldn't avoid this forever.
"Let's go outside." He pointed to the backyard. "We can talk there."
He meant that we couldn't be overheard, which was potentially very nerve-wracking. But I suppose if we were going to get deep into conversation, it would be better that the other guys couldn't listen in. Especially if I plucked up the courage to share the truth with him. Although a spontaneous conversation probably wasn't the best time for that. I needed to know exactly what I was going to say.
I locked eyes with Jasper one last time as I followed Cody outside. He smiled at me, and despite everything, I couldn't resist shooting him one last grin. He was more charismatic and infectious than I first thought.
Hmm, interesting. I was a little gutted that we didn't get more of a chance to kiss, even though it would have been horrible if Cody had walked in on us. It might have ruined the chance of us ever being together...
Would it though?All of a sudden, my brain recalled something Cody said to me a long time ago, when we were just bantering and shooting the shit. He told me that wolves didn't subscribe to monogamous relationships, that they were happily polyamorous. I didn't think anything of it at the time, but now it was all that I could think about...
Hmm, interesting.