A light going dim.
I fought it.
The agony that wanted to lift.
To take hold.
Suck me under.
Where I’d drown in that darkness that would forever possess.
When I made the last turn into Salem’s neighborhood, I pinned a fucking smile on my face so I could give it to her when I dropped her off.
Let her know I wasn’t a total dick.
I pulled up in front of their house.
My guts were in turmoil, torn between wanting to turn around, take her into my arms, tell her it was awesome—that kids gave a whole new meaning for breathing—that I’d protect that too if she’d let me—all while wanting to run.
Fuck.
I was getting in too deep.
Too deep.
I managed to kick the stand and cut the engine, and I helped Salem to stand. She kept watching me warily as I climbed off, too, as I took two steps up her walkway, following her, searching for a way to apologize.
To give her something when I knew full well there was no chance of a sound making it up my throat.
Not when the front screen door of their house banged open.
The air punched from my lungs.
A kick to the stomach.
I stumbled back.
A little girl about five came blazing out.
All grins and smiles and pitch-black hair worn in pigtails.
I stumbled like an oaf.
A fuckin’ meathead without words.
“Mommy! You made it back from doing all the works and oh my gosh you rodes on a motorcycle?”
Her little voice was a screech of excitement. A squeal of joy.
Salem breathed out, love pouring free, though I could still see her reservations when she tossed a confused glance at me before she turned back to her daughter. Her voice twisted in faked enthusiasm. “I sure did!”
The little thing kept running until she threw herself into Salem’s arms. Salem swept her up and hugged her close.
Nausea clawed at my insides.
Thought I was going to puke right there.
“Did it go so fasts? Like a thousand miles in one hour? I bet you could rides it so fast we could make it all the way to China by the time we gets to eat dinner. What do you think?”
The child grinned at me when she asked it.
The most brittle smile took to my mouth. “That’s awful far.”
“That’s what the adventures are for. You gotta go all over to the places that you’ve never beens before so you can experience new things even if you don’t wanna go at first. That’s what me and my mommy do.”
I scraped a hand over the top of my head, that smile faltering. Part of me wanted to ask more. Wanted details. Wanted to know.
To invade.
To step forward and succumb to this.
This pull.
This lure.
This want that made me consider saying fuck it all.
Loyalty shorn in the glance of a woman in the storm.
Black-fuckin’-magic.
The other part knew I had to resist. Had to end this right then.
To remember.
I looked back at my bike, contemplating my escape.
Only my attention snagged on the car that was coming to a stop on the opposite side of the road.
Tessa, Eden’s best friend, hopped out, all smiling and eager.
Awesome.
Liked her, but the girl was a handful, and I sure as shit couldn’t deal with her right then.
Not when I could see the hurt splitting Salem’s expression.
Her single treasure held in her arms that I was rejecting.
“I’m gonna go.” My words were bricks that toppled to the ground.
Energy whipped. A tempest.
Screaming in the air like Salem’s spirit was physically clawing its way to me, hooking in and refusing to let go.
Or maybe the real problem was that it was mine.
This piece that had already toppled out and landed at her feet that wanted to beg for whatever she would give me.
Salem lifted that defiant, scarred chin, brandishing a look that promised she’d been to Hell and was prepared to fight with her last breath to claw the rest of the way out.
Ferocity surrounded her, and she bit the words from her tongue. “Yeah, I think you should.”
TWELVE
SALEM
What the hell was that?
I hugged my daughter closely while I watched the backside of Jud as he rode away. The sound of that heavy motor rumbled as his big body disappeared over the dip and into the falling night.
“Wow, Mommy, he really hads to go so fast. I bet he decided he had to get to China fast because it’s already almost dinner. Did you know Mimi’s been cooking for already almost the whole day? And guess what! It smells deeeeeelicious!” Juni turned her sweet little face up to me with that grin.
Then her voice dropped like a secret. “Do you think he got the anxious flies in his stomach to go on the new adventure?”
My arms curled tighter around her, wishing I knew, that I understood, that I wasn’t the fool who’d already gone to the place where it hurt.
Where I expected something different.