How dare he? How dare he tell me what I was worth? How dare he insinuate the things he had?
I could have had twenty one-night stands opposed to the grand total of zero I had to my name, and it wouldn’t have made me any less of a woman. Any less of a person.
My worth was not defined by my sexual history.
My worth was not defined by anyone but me.
I got to decide that. Not some asshole with a dick between his legs. The only time an asshole with a dick between their legs got to decide a woman’s worth was when the was the asshole with an actual dick between their legs.
Spoiler alert: her worth was through the roof.
So why the fuck did I have tears in my ears? Was it the subtle rejection? The knowledge that this was it—this was really, really it? There was absolutely, categorically, it. There was no way that Ethan and I would be together. Ever.
It was stupid. I knew that. I’d known it for years.
Why did he have to go and text me tonight? We’d left on good terms. Awkward ones, but good. We’d eaten together. There was cold pizza for breakfast and enough fajita fillings that we could both eat them for lunch.
Why did he have to go and fuck it all up?
Why did he have to kiss me in the first place?
Why hadn’t I pushed him away?
I was over it. I was so over all of this. All I wanted was to curl into a ball and scream my frustrations out into a pillow. Cry into my sheets. Get rid of the anger in the easiest way I knew how.
But I couldn’t.
Because he was out there. He’d hear me. He’d know he got to me. He’d know he hurt me.
And I was never, ever going to give him that power.
As far as Ethan Hawkins was concerned, it was the only power I had left.
I got out of bed, knocking my phone to the floor, and grabbed the makeup wipes from the top of my dresser. I scrubbed furiously at my eyes, removing the remnants of the light coat I’d put on before I went to meet the girls for lunch today.
My skin was red and blotchy thanks to the anger I held in the knots of my stomach. Bags under my eyes gave away my tiredness, and there was a distinct sadness in my eyes themselves.
I needed a good, long sleep.
“Ava?” Ethan’s voice was muffled by my door. “Are you still awake?”
“No,” I shot back. “This is my voicemail. Leave a message after the beep. Beeeeeep.”
“Jesus Christ,” he muttered. Maybe. I had no idea. The door was a pretty good muffler. “Can you open the door? We need to talk.”
“We’ve talked enough.” I tossed the used wipe into the small trashcan I kept next to my dresser. “You made sure of that.”
“Goddamn it.” He knocked his fist against my door. “Five minutes. Okay? Five minutes. That’s all I need.”
“You’ve got it.” I folded my arms across my chest and stared at the door. “Doesn’t mean I’m gonna open the door for you.”
“Fine. Look—I think that just about everything I said then came across wrong. I didn’t mean it the way you took it. You’re my best friend’s sister, Ava. If anything happens between us, I know I’m gonna feel like I’ve betrayed Leo. You will, too. And more than anything, I’m gonna feel like I’ve betrayed you. You don’t need someone who doesn’t even know if they’re still gonna be in town past the holidays. You deserve better than that.”
My eyes stung again. I didn’t know if it was because of his words or because I was just so, so emotionally exhausted from pulling myself from pillar to post.
“We’ve never gotten along. You’re right about that, and I stand by what I said. It’s easier to fight with you than be friends with you. Until the other day, I was sure you did genuinely hate me, and I could live with that.”
“Obviously not.”
“I could and I did. Until I moved in, it was only physical, but listen to me. There’s something else there, Ava, something that scares the fucking shit out of me. Something I can’t deal with because of who you are.”
My heart.
It was going insane.
“I am obsessed with the idea of you,” he said, this time a lot softer. “At least I think I am. I can’t focus on anything else right now, but I don’t know what it means. I just know that I don’t want to hurt you in any way, and my decision to kiss you has done that. Also, on a totally unrelated note, I’d very much like you to return the insoles of my shoes that you stole today.”
I bit my lower lip, fighting a momentary smile. “I’ll swap them for my socks.”