LAUREN: A monk couldn’t handle me. He’d run back to his hut before the bill was delivered.
MASON: Monks don’t live in huts.
LAUREN: Do I look like an encyclopedia?
MASON: You usually have an answer for everything.
LAUREN: Why are you such a fucking smartass?
MASON: I’ve been taking tips from you. Picking things up here and there. It looks like it’s paying off.
LAUREN: Hardy har-har-har, aren’t you the funny man?
MASON: Given how much you laugh around me, yes, I am the funny man.
LAUREN: We’re going to need to break up. I don’t think I can cope with another smartass in my life. I’m enough work as it is.
MASON: You’ll get used to it. This smartass comes equipped with the ability to provide orgasms.
LAUREN: Oh, honey, did nobody teach you about masturbation when you were younger?
MASON: One day, you’re going to get yourself off, and then I’m going to get you off, and we’ll compare notes.
LAUREN: I am not taking notes on an orgasm.
LAUREN: Also, we’ve gotten off track.
MASON: At least you can hide when you’ve gotten off track.
MASON: But yes, you’re right. Let’s get back to it.
LAUREN: What are you going to tell your mom when you’re done blaming everything on your sister?
MASON: The truth. I’ll tell her that we’ve talked about it and we’re going to date for real, but she’s going to back off because we’re going to do it in our own time.
LAUREN: Aunt Pru will be delighted.
MASON: No. We aren’t telling Aunt Pru or she’ll start buying those wedding books.
LAUREN: It’s okay. I have a plan.
MASON: Oh, yeah? What’s what?
LAUREN: I’ll tell her she needs to set Kirsty up with someone, then we’ll make her an online dating account and find her someone.
MASON: That’s mean.
MASON: I like it. Seems like the kind of thing my future wife should do.
LAUREN: Wash out your mouth, buster. I haven’t tasted your cooking yet. I already told you that’s the dealbreaker, especially now you won over Henry with your fancy fucking tuna.
MASON: Henry’s misunderstood, that’s all.
LAUREN: He’s misunderstood where he’s supposed to sit. I don’t need the two of you conspiring against me. My life is stressful enough.
MASON: Why now? Is your mom calling you again?
LAUREN: No, my sister is texting me daily updates on her hemorrhoids. I know more about her anal region than I do my own.
MASON: I don’t really know what to say to that.
LAUREN: Nobody is.
LAUREN: What time do you want me to come over tonight?
MASON: When do you finish work?
LAUREN: Eight-thirty.
MASON: Why don’t you come over then?
LAUREN: All right, but I’m wearing yoga pants to work tonight. You’ve been warned.
MASON: It’s fine. I bet your ass looks great in yoga pants.
LAUREN: You are not wrong.
CHAPTER TWENTY – MASON
“I just don’t understand why you’d fake a relationship, Mason.” My mother looked at me disapprovingly over the rim of her martini glass. “Look—you’re driving me to drink early!”
Yeah, I was the reason for that.
“Okay—this isn’t on me.” I leaned back on the sofa and crossed my legs at my ankles. “Let me tell you what actually happened, from the beginning.
“Please do.”
“Lauren put an ad up online. It was a joke with her friends after girls’ night, and Kirsty responded to her post. We texted after that—I was going to shut it down, but it was the reunion. She was happy to go and get under Claudia’s skin, and I didn’t really care either way.” I ran my hand through my hair. “It was only supposed to be one date, then Kirsty dropped us in the shit at dinner.”
“Watch your language,” Mom said firmly. “The dinner—oh! She was lying then?”
“Yeah. You were so excited I didn’t have the heart to tell you she was being a pain, so I texted Lauren after and asked her to go along with it for a few weeks.”
Mom sighed. “Sweetheart, you didn’t have to do that. I was excited that you might have found someone, but I wish you’d been honest.”
“I don’t. I’m glad I lied. If I hadn’t, we wouldn’t have spent any time together.”
Her eyebrows shot up. “What do you mean?”
“We get along really, really well. We have the same sense of humor, we like the same things, and we just enjoy spending time together.” I shrugged. “We’re going to see where things go.”
“Would you have told me if Claudia didn’t?”
“No,” I said honestly. “You wouldn’t have needed to know, and neither would anyone else. I love you, Mom, and I respect you more than you know, but I told Lauren that the only person I need to justify my feelings to is her, and I stand by that.”
“I can respect that,” Mom replied, putting her martini glass on the side table. “I know that who you date is none of my business, Mase, but I just want you to be happy. Sometimes that can come across as me meddling, but it’s not what I’m trying to do.”