Nothing during those conversations would have made me think that he’d be going anywhere anytime soon. Not once did he mention that he was taking a trip this week. I can't help but feel like he hid it from me on purpose. Even if it's a last-minute thing, why not return a call or shoot me a text?
You're not his girlfriend. He doesn't owe you an explanation.
Am I being crazy right now?
I know that we've only spent a little bit of time together, and that we're not officially together, but in that small amount of time, I felt something. A ping in my heart that made me smile. A flutter in my belly that I never felt before.
I must be naive. Why should I even care?
Maybe Manu has a history of long weekends with girls, and then never calling them back. There's no way for me to know if this is normal for him. But it doesn't change the fact that I feel abandoned.
Even if all he was looking for was sex, even if this was never meant to go any further than the weekend together, he should have just told me. I can handle the truth. I'm not a child. Rejection hurts no matter what, but the truth is still always best.
He's not obligated to tell me all his plans, or what he's doing, but the fact that he's ignoring my calls and texts still hurts.
“Look, Ronda, what I need from you is for you to focus on your work. That's it.”
“Of course, I understand that. I just hope everything is all right, is all. Mr. Reeves is always working so hard, it's just odd to me that he isn't here. I know he likes to put his final approval on everything.”
James leans over his desk. The expression on his face turning serious. His brows drop into the bridge of his nose, and he cups his hands. “Well, I'm going to be honest with you, but just keep this between us for now. Things around here aren't going well lately, and Mr. Reeves isn't very happy about it. Our numbers are dropping, advertisers are getting harder and harder to sign because of it. No one wants to pay for advertising in a magazine that's failing. If it stays this way for much longer, we won't be able to afford our overhead costs. We can't have that; we need everyone to pick up their game around here. It's important that everyone is doing their part for the company. That being said, Mr. Reeves is out of the office until further notice, so you can report to me. He's had an off week, and that's showing in our numbers.”
Is this all because of me?
“But you don't know when he's coming back?” I ask.
“I don't. Is there something I can help you with? Whatever it is you need to ask him, you can ask me.”
“Oh no, it's nothing. I just wanted to double check the due date for the Heavenly Bakery article.” Another lie to cover my feelings. I'm so afraid I'm going to bumble my words and accidentally reveal our little secret.
“Monday, it's due Monday. Same as usual.” He cocks his head, eyeing me like I should know this answer.
I force an understanding smile and nod. “Right, Monday, got it.” I stand to leave.
“And Ronda, remember, this conversation doesn't leave this office.”
“Understood.” I walk out, my chest heavy with sadness.
My heart hurts. It aches, cracking into a million pieces. Manu left, he didn't tell me, he isn't answering me, and the feeling of rejection is hitting me hard.
Am I a damn idiot? Did I read too much into this whole thing?
As I sit at my desk, I stare at the computer screen, unable to shake off this feeling. It's like a repeat of my life before. I feel left behind. I feel unwanted. I feel like this is all my fault. If I had never been late in the first place, none of this would be happening right now.
Manu would be able to do his job. I would be able to do mine. And this lust we feel would never have taken shape. It's like this shit follows me wherever I go. I can't escape it. I let people down, and it only snowballs into something bigger.
I hate this pain. I hate this feeling that's knotting up my stomach and making me want to throw up.
My hands are in my lap, and I'm staring off like a zombie at the little icon on my computer screen as it bounces from one corner to the next. It's like a shadow is following me. A dark cloud that keeps raining down, never letting up. I can't escape this shit.
Everything I touch seems to crumble right before my eyes. I’m the daughter who isn't living up to her parents’ expectations. They wanted me to become something big, something great, someone who makes a difference. All I ever did was leave them shaking their heads. I’m a girl who left her friends in the lurch, with a big hole to fill, and now this. I can't escape the destruction that swirls like a storm cloud around me everywhere I go.