“Fuck!” He’s looming behind me while I lean over the bags in the boot and get myself together enough to brush this off.
Don’t you dare do this now! I grit out at my own body before turning to face him again.
Ryan’s so close that I can smell his soft verdure scent. His warmth seeps into me, comforting and sheltering. I expect it to feel odd or awkward after what happened, but it simply feels good to be close to him. And not because I want anything more than this. I guess his warmth is soothing. Being close to him feels good because he was a part of Casper, and it’s good to have something physical of him left. Even if it is only friendship.
“Well, at least that got your attention,” I say. I don’t laugh because he’s too on edge, and quite frankly all my energy is going into keeping myself grounded enough not to panic him or Lucian.
“Do I need to take you to a hospital?”
Shaking my head, I clutch at his open jacket, holding myself upright as the pain ebbs away slowly, leaving me better able to think.
“I’m fine. I read that this is what happens at the end. Your body has to practice. Practice makes perfect…” A sigh escapes me as my muscles loosen a tad more. “I’m going to need a hospital when the time comes, but not today. Not tonight.”
My belly presses lightly to him as he wraps an arm around my shoulders.
“I’m trying to keep you safe. To make sure that…that nothing happens to your baby.”
I lean into him, unable to wrap my arms around him entirely, and I fist the back hem of his jacket.
“I know you are, and I know how difficult this must be for you because of what happened in London…to Arabella, but no one blames you for that. Horrible things happen to good people all the time.” Oh God, I can’t win today. Tears line my eyes, and as if he knows, his other arm comes up from his side until his hand cups the back of my head, holding my face to his torso. His thumb sweeps over my cheek. “Look at all of us. I don’t believe we’re bad people, but so much shit has happened…”
“When you’ve seen the world like I have. Like we did…you realise that good and bad are nothing but labels. Right and wrong are angles. It’s all societal bullshit.”
“I’ve heard that before.” I smile up at him even though it hurts. The lights give his baby blues an iridescent tinge. “I miss him, and I hate him and…and…I want him back.”
Biting down on his bottom lip, he nods. It seems to be his thing when he’s unsure of what to say. And I take the quiet moment to ride the milder cramp. It’s nowhere near as bad as the last. A relief for certain.
“I suppose someone has to,” he laughs, low and dry, after a beat.
“Don’t fucking laugh at me.”
“Don’t be so miserable.” He tightens his hold on me before he lets go.
While he finishes rearranging the boot, I watch him. I feel terrible for assaulting him with my fucking stupid kiss, and for being the reason he’s had to leave his life behind. He might never be able to go back.
“You must really love him to give everything up for us.”
Ryan slams the boot shut before he turns to me, leaning back on the chassis with his elbows. “Casper saved my life. I owe him.”
“But he’s gone…”
“Some debts never expire.” He shrugs with a lopsided quirk of his lips. “They’re never repaid. Especially a debt of gratitude. No one wants to die in hell…he saved me. I’m grateful. I’ll always be thankful for coming home.”
“You two done?” Lucian asks, breaking the peaceful silence between us.
“Yeah, Ryan’s managed to fit our things into the world’s smallest boot.”
“Good. Let’s get out of here, then. There’s a town about twenty minutes away. We can find somewhere to stop in and make sure you’re okay for the rest of the trip.”
“I’m fine.”
Ryan begins to guide me towards the passenger side. “This world is dark,” he muses. There’s a hint of a grudge to his tone, and trying to ease whatever is causing him bother, I lie, “I’m not scared.”
“You deserve better.”
“Better than what?”
“Than this. Than everything that’s happened.” A hand moulds to my hip, setting my whole being on overdrive. I don’t know if I like it or if I’m trying to find some solace in it. Something I can latch onto to help me navigate this new reality. “You deserve more than this life.”