I thought that my heart was frozen, but when I heard him say my name it was enough to make me smile. He had this tendency to drive me wild by just being in the same room. I kinda missed the way that he flirted and tried to make me blush.
“I see what you’re saying. I’ve seen all the signals and I’m not sure that he can get away from his past. I’m trying hard to understand the man. It does break my heart to even think about him stepping out on me. I’ve tried to keep him at an arm’s length, but it’s difficult when the only thing that I can think about is putting him to the test in the bedroom to see if we are compatible.” I could see that she was using that sisterly bond to make me a confidant.
“I don’t mean to be a poison pill. I’m not suggesting that he doesn’t have some redeeming qualities. If you are putting off sleeping with him, then that might be best. We both know that once we go that far that there’s more than an emotional connection. I would be lying to myself if I didn’t say that I did want him. I fantasize about what it would be like to be with him, but I can’t take that risk. I’ve had my heart broken too many times to go down that road again.” I was purposely being truthful and giving her the idea that procrastinating was best until she was able to figure out if he was the kind of guy that could be trusted not to stray.
“I admire your candor and you could have told me that you were not even interested. I wouldn’t have believed you for a second, but saying it up front makes me feel better. I fantasize about that moment myself too many times to count. It has left me with sleepless nights and this desperate need to cling to him. I don’t want to be the kind of woman that will always wonder if his late nights are more than they are supposed to be. I don’t want to be waiting up for him and smell somebody’s perfume or see that lipstick on his collar.” She had all but convinced herself that he wasn’t the kind of man that was made for suburban life.
I’d just fed into her doubts about his character. I wasn’t putting him down, but I wasn’t putting him in a good light either. I gave her reason to take a step back.
“I know that some people think that life is too short, but we need to protect ourselves. There are too many men that say one thing and do another. They might mean well, but that wandering eye is something that has been ingrained into them. It could be the influence of their father or maybe lack of a parental figure. I really can’t say for sure. I think that you noticed that August keeps his personal life close to the vest.” I got the feeling that she thought that this was going to be her way of telling me to stop thinking about him at all. I had turned the tables and we were now talking like old friends.
“I would like to use you as a conduit between him and myself. I know that I’m asking you to spy on him for me. Being women, we have to stand by one another. I think that we can table this conversation until after dinner. I have been slaving over the stove for the past couple of hours and I would really like to hear your opinion of my creation.” She had on a long blue shirt that covered her jeans almost down to the knees.
I followed her despite my misgivings until I was sitting down and waiting for her to fuel my appetite. She put the food in front of me and the aroma hit me like a ton of bricks. She really did like to play with spices. I was afraid that I was going to burn the roof of my mouth off. I took one bite and it had subtle overtones of heat, but not enough to make me go running for the water.
“I would say that if medical school didn’t work out that you have a real gift for cooking. I don’t see any reason why culinary school has to be out of the question. The Cordon Bleu is an accredited school and one that you could learn a lot from.” I really did mean what I was saying, but on the other hand, it seemed like I was pushing her in a different direction. “Are you sure that medicine is your true calling? You don’t just dabble in the kitchen; you create masterpieces with your bare hands. This is something that you should share with the rest of the world. I see the way that you smile at my comments and you love the praise for your food.” This was a good way to lead her by the hand into another vocation.
“All of my brothers are doctors and I thought that it was my purpose in life to follow in their footsteps. My mother is a Physician and my father is a professor of medical studies. To be honest, I never really did think that I had what it took to be a doctor. I only did it to appease them. I do love cooking, but I never thought that I could make it my career. Do you really think that I have the talent to make it my life?” There was no point in lying to her. I was sure that she was waiting for someone to tell her that it was okay to live for herself and not for her family.
“You’ve thought about this before. You can’t sit there and tell me that I’m the only one that has raved about your food. Anybody that sits down to something that you make with your love of cooking would have to tell you. Doesn’t August find your food to die for?” I waited for her response, but it didn’t stop me from eating everything on my plate and having this desperate need to lick it afterward.
“August is not exactly an unbiased audience. You have been a breath of fresh air. I don’t feel like I have to be something that I’m not around you. I think under other circumstances that we could’ve been fast friends. I’m just not sure that we can be friends with the both of us having eyes on the same man. I know that you would never do anything about your attraction and that does help me to sleep at night. You shouldn’t put yourself down. You say that you are not his type, but I think any man that finds himself close to you will feel differently. I don’t want to ever hear you make disparaging comments about your appearance. You deserve that man that is going to put you on a pedestal.” I thought for sure that I was going to hate her, but I found myself liking her despite the fact that she was with August.
“It’s not my place to say, but if you are truly thinking about changing direction in your life then maybe keeping things cool in the bedroom is a good idea. You must know that there’s no place that he wants to be than here. I’m not suggesting that you break it off with him and far from it. I’m just saying that it would be better to air on the side of caution.” I came over here precisely to sabotage any chance of them getting into the bedroom. She had all but done that for me.
“You do make sense on paper, but have you seen him? It’s a wonder that I haven’t lost my mind and done something already. I want to and you have no idea how much it hurts me every time that he leaves with a deep and longing kiss. I don’t know if I’m strong enough to resist him. I feel like I’m falling apart. I don’t want any man to have that kind of power over me, but I can’t help the way that I feel. I don’t know if this is love, but there is definitely an infatuation that needs to be dealt with sooner than later.” I had tried everything that I could to chill the air of her excitement.
“Don’t you think that we all do foolish things because of a pretty face and a body to match? That is the danger of dating. You never know when one date will turn into a one night stand or if it’s going to be something more lasting. I see that you come from a big family. It gives me the idea that maybe you want a big family of your own. Your parents are still together, but are they truly happy or are they just staying with each other for the kids?” I wanted to know if marriage and children were something that she saw in her future.
“I’m the only girl in the family. I sometimes wonder if my parents are happy. They don’t see each other that much. It’s almost like they want it that way. I don’t think that my brothers have any idea that there might be trouble in paradise. I want my parents to show some affection, but I don’t think that they have the capacity for that kind of public display of affection. I do want marriage and kids, but only when it feels right. Everything has to fall into place in exactly the right way and at exactly the right time. I don’t see that there’s anything wrong with having a bit of fun. August might not be walking down the aisle anytime soon, but there is chemistry that needs to be taken out of the laboratory.” I could see that fire. It wasn’t the same way that I felt for August, but it certainly would leave
him no other choice but to drop his pants.
“Men might not seem incapable of showing emotion, but we both know that they feel deeply. I don’t want you to use him and then to toss him aside when you’re done with him. Remember, I still have to work with him and having him moping around the office is not going to be good for anybody.” I left it at that, feeling like I had done what I had come over here to do, but in an entirely different way.
“I know that you wanted me to get the skinny on her and I think that I did that. I’m just not sure if I should share with you something that she told me in confidence. It would be wrong. I think that I’m going to need some convincing to betray her trust.” I’d found him lamenting over what Julia had done when he came over after getting knock down drunk with his friend.
“I acted like an idiot last night. I fell into the same habits. I shouldn’t have gone over to see her in that state. I was feeling horny. That’s no excuse, but it is an explanation. Let’s just say that she wasn’t very receptive to a booty call at midnight. I didn’t want to make her feel dirty. She probably thought of herself as nothing but a piece of meat. The slam of the door in my face sobered me up very quickly. I don’t know what I was thinking. I just need to know from you if I’m wasting my time. I need to make amends, but I don’t want to grovel unless I think that this is going someplace.” I had him by the short hairs and I could twist her words in my favor.
“You should’ve treated me like a sponsor last night. If you had called me and told me what you were planning, I would’ve cut you off at the pass. We all do stupid things in the name of so-called love. I’m guessing that you didn’t feel very good about how you felt after seeing your friend. You wanted to make yourself feel better by going to her and getting some of that tender loving care. You should’ve gone home and slept it off. By making an ass of yourself, you took away all the hard work that you’ve accomplished up to this point. I have some good news and some bad news.” I was going to be straight up with him and not sugarcoat it in any way.
“By all means, tell me the good news first and then you can drop the bombshell of the bad news.” I had him as a captive audience and there was no way that he was going to leave that spot before I told him what I needed to say.
“The good news is that she does want kids and marriage. The bad news is that she’s not sure that you’re capable of that kind of commitment. I’m not even sure that it matters, considering that she’s thinking about walking away from her medical studies for something more her passion. I don’t want to go into detail, but she has confessed to me that she’s only going to be a doctor because she thinks that she’s obligated to do so.” I found it easy to tell him what she had told me in confidence. I had nothing invested in her future, but mine was an entirely different matter altogether.
“I knew that coming from a big family that was a possibility. She has told me several times about growing up with overachievers. I should’ve seen that she wasn’t happy with her current direction in life. I don’t think that you have to tell me what she really wants to do. Cooking is something that she excels that. I would be damn fool to stand in her way and maybe it’s best that I let her go before things go too far.” I didn’t have to say anything. He had come to that conclusion on his own. I was just afraid that he was the kind that was going to pull the Band-Aid off slowly instead of quickly.
“I wouldn’t blame you for following her. If you really think that you have a future with her, then you need to tell her that whatever she decides that you will stand by her.” I was being a good friend and squeezing his shoulders while he was sitting there at the desk. It was a good way to remind him that I wasn’t going anywhere.
“That’s just it. I don’t know if we do have a future. I can’t ask her to wait for me when her passion is calling her. I have no interest in leaving, especially if we are only dating. I will say that the last few weeks have been fun and that’s without the sex.” I still couldn’t believe that in the few weeks that they had been seeing each other that they didn’t consummate. What I had seen was something for them to relieve any expectation. I doubt that he was the only one that was on the receiving end of oral foreplay.
“To be devil’s advocate, you still don’t know where she stands. The only way that you’re going to find out is to sit her down and have a frank discussion. This is no time to shy away from ‘the talk’. It’s better that you know now than to think that you have something and then learn that it wasn’t as strong as you thought it was. I would never try to tell you that she wasn’t right for you. That’s something that you’re going to have to decide for yourself. I just think that it would be better for the both of you to either step back or take things to the next level. I don’t know Julia that well, but what I do know is that she is an honest person. If you ask her out right, I’m sure that she will tell you what you might not want to hear. Be sure that you want to know the truth. It’s one thing to think that you do, but another when you are given a dose of reality.” I had tried to manipulate his feelings, but I was feeling that guilt for turning their words against them.
I actually found myself liking Julia, but my feelings for August were deeper than anything that I could feel as a sisterly bond with Julia. The only thing that concerned me was that possible aftershock after those inevitable words were spoken. Once the dust settled, would he even be open to the notion of being with me? It was a cross that I was willing to bear.
“I know that you’re right. I do have to talk to her. It’s funny, but it’s usually not me saying the words. I’ve never had to tell somebody that it was over. It was always the girl that came to the end of her rope and couldn’t take me playing the field. I’ve had many conversations where they said that it wasn’t me. I know that it’s me. I don’t make it easy for any woman to get close to me. I’m not looking forward to this. If I didn’t think that it was a coward’s way out, I would send her a text message.” I couldn’t let him do that and that kind of act would only diminish my feelings for him.
“I really hope that you don’t mean that. It’s not a comfortable situation. To end things abruptly by sending a text message will only give her a reason to seek you out. You may not know this about women, but we can be quite vindictive when we want to be. I don’t want to give out all our trade secrets, but I think that you need to know that we respect men more for doing it in person. You can mitigate her reaction by doing it someplace public. It might prevent her from making a scene, but I don’t know her well enough to say that.” I could’ve easily left it alone and let the chips fall where they may. This could’ve been over with a few keystrokes on his phone. I just couldn’t do that to either one of them.