“Considering I’m a grown-ass man who became a mountain man because I didn’t want to deal with my problems, tells me that my own personality is a little shaky,” he replied with a serious note to his jibe.
“Sometimes people need to get away,” I insisted, “I mean, there was nothing wrong with my life and I came here to get away. If something detrimental happened to me, there’s a possibility I would come up here.”
“Yeah, I chose here because of the cabin. My grandfather left it to me. I would use it to fish, but when I decided to fall off the map, I decided it was the perfect place to land.”
“For being a fishing cabin, it is extremely homey,” I admitted, “Very quiet and comforting.”
“I agree. It’s the last thing I have that connects me to my family.”
“What about your parents?”
“I haven’t spoken to them in a long time,” he admitted, “I don’t know what they think about me. They might even think I’m dead.”
“Well, that’s a terrible thing to make them believe.”
He shrugged, “I didn’t tell them that and it wasn’t like they were a beacon of support…I was kinda the black sheep of the family. Not that I ever did anything wrong, I just did things my own way, so they distanced themselves from me. Bad for their image.”
“Oh…” I answered, unsure exactly what that meant, but I figured if it was important, he would enlighten me. “That’s sad.”
“It is what it is. I went to them for help, they told me to fuck off…Not in so many words, but that was the bush they were beating around.”
“Wow,” I thought aloud, “My parents and I have had our differences, but if I ever needed anything…”
“Yeah, my brother could go to my parents with a body in his trunk and they’d help him hide it…Probably take the secret to their grave, but me, I was always considered a liability.”
“I’m sorry,” I admitted, “That can’t be easy.”
“Eh, it was fine. You learn to deal with that kind of shit. At least my parents were honest about who they were. They always treated me like crap,” he chuckled slightly, but it was a humorless laugh, that made me sad for him.
“Listen, I know I was kind of joking around before, but I am really sorry for what I said and how I said it. I was trying to help, but I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“Trust me, you didn’t,” he insisted, “I was just bitching because I didn’t want to hear what you were telling me. I hated that you were right. That’s all it was.”
“Well, then I’m sorry for going to bed angry. I know, in your own way, you were trying to apologize, and I completely shut you down.”
Johnathan snickers at this and reminded me, “You know, we aren’t an old married couple, so shit like that doesn’t matter…” As he spoke, however, his voice softened, and he added, “Not yet, anyway.”
I felt my stomach do summersaults as I laid my head on his shoulder in response. Carefully, I laced my fingers in his, holding his hand tightly as I asked, “Johnathan, is there anything I can do to prove to you that I do, genuinely care about you?”
“I’m starting to believe it,” he admitted, “But unfortunately, there really isn’t anything that anyone can do. I mean, I’m willing to give it a shot, which is a big step for me, giving you, or anyone the benefit of the doubt, but ultimately, time is all that will help make me certain of your intentions.”
At first, I felt as though we were making progress, but when he slid his hand out of mine again and sighed, I could tell there was something more that he wasn’t saying.
“Okay,” I insisted, “what is the problem, then?”
“While I can give you credit on some levels, I’m not sure I am willing to invest the amount of time, since I’ve done that already…but that’s also the only source of proof.”
“That isn’t fair, Johnathan,” I answered, turning toward him now, feeling frustrated by his stonewalling me.
“I understand that,” he explained, raising his shoulders in a manner that showed me he was just as frustrated at the situation as I was. “Like I said, I’m trying to be honest.”
“Yes, but if you really want this to work, you must give me something to work towards, to work with,” I let out a calming breath and grasped his hand with both of mine, “I am willing to put in the time. I can be patient with you. I just need you to be willing to do the same for me, or it isn’t going to work.”
“Then, maybe it shouldn’t work,” he answered in a finalizing manner that annoyed me.
“If you feel that way, why did you tell me all of this?” I inquired, feeling as though we had taken far more than simply two steps back in our
progress.