“Oh, God, help me.” I whined, just loud enough for her to hear. It was an instinct Diamond couldn’t fight. It was a very rare woman that, when hearing a cry for help, could push her maternal instinct aside and keep walking. I was doubled over, leaning against the wall as if I had been ill or attacked.
“Hey. Hey, there. Are you okay?” she asked, looking at me, then looking behind her then back at me. Her eyes were wide with concern until I looked up at her quickly snatching her by the wrist and pulling her toward me, my other hand clamping over her mouth.
“You aren’t going to make a sound, Diamond, right?” I said, squeezing her wrist tightly.
“You! Heee…”
SLAP!
I didn’t want to do it. I didn’t want to slap her right there in the alley but she gave me no choice. It was funny. I felt her teeth rattle beneath my palm and was sure she was going to spit out one or two canines from the blow. She didn’t, but she did lose her balance and fall, cracking her own head on the side of the brick building next to us. It was perfect.
I slipped an arm around her waist feeling the fullness of her hips and the soft cushion of the female form in my arm. There was an alley entrance to The Marquette, a crappy bar where construction workers, lawyers and secretaries would go to unwind after work. We slipped in quietly and since the crowd was already feeling good it was easy to say that Diamond had just had one too many.
We stood in a quiet corner and had a nice long talk.
“It didn’t have to come to this.” I said. “You could have helped me out.”
“Helped you do what?” Diamond said as her eyes rolled and she touched the back of her head pulling it away with blood on her fingertips. I watched her tongue touching her lip gently, wincing at the pain. “Obviously you’re crazy and I’m getting away from you.”
She took one woozy step before I yanked her back into the corner.
“You aren’t going anywhere. You see there isn’t much that can’t be done when you have a pocket full of hundred dollar bills. Here, I’ll show you.”
Quickly I leaned over and tapped the shoulder of a guy wearing a white t-shirt and faded blue jeans with steal toed work boots on and a tattoo of a spider web on his elbow. I whispered a couple of words to him over the noises of the jukebox, reached in my pocket and handed over a hundred dollar bill. The man took it and disappeared. Within a few minutes he was back with two shots of Jack Daniels and my change that I let him keep.
He handed both drinks to Diamond and gave her a sly smile as his eyes felt her up.
“Bottoms up, sweetheart.” He said, smiling with yellow, tobacco stained teeth.
“I don’t want them.” Diamond said.
“Sure you do.” I said. “You don’t want to insult my friend here who brought them to you. Come on, Diamond. You look like the kind of girl who can hold her liquor. Doesn’t she?” I nudged my new associate who smiled again, laughing as if we were indeed the best of friends.
“She looks like she can hold a lot more than that.” The man said. It was a typical response.
“Look, friend, my girl here has had one too many and I should be getting her home and into bed. Would you go hail us a cab out front?” I looked at Diamond who was still holding the shot glass and looking like she was about to throw up. “She’s in no condition to drive.” I handed the man another hundred dollar bill and off he went like an obedient little brother.
“Now drink that shot before I let my new friend feel up your skirt.” I hissed. Had Diamond not hit her own head against the brick wall in the alley I think she would have been a lot harder to subdue. But, my luck was too good. After the bump had stopped rising on her head and the alcohol had started swimming in her brain she looked good and drunk.
I paraded her through the middle bar and out the front door. Except this time she was practically clinging to me for dear life. She had to feel awful. I took her purse and read her address to the cab driver who gave me a knowing look like he had seen his fair share of drunk girls and knew it was going to end either in the bathroom in front of the toilet or on her knees in front of me.
What did I care what he thought. We were nothing special. A typical couple. I had Diamond slurring her words and trying desperately to focus her eyes.
“I told you that you shouldn?
??t have had that last one. But you never listen to me. Don’t you know how much easier things would be if you’d just listen to me?” I said while digging my fingers into her side with one hand and holding her wrist in a vice grip with the other.
Finally, we made it to the building that was Diamond’s apartment. The sun was behind the buildings now and the street lamps had popped on. Pulling her keys from her purse I managed to get us inside and to her apartment without looking like anything more than her doting boyfriend.
As I slid the deadbolt into place I looked at Diamond who was not doing too well sitting on her couch.
“You live in this place, huh?” I said, looking around at the décor. It was that frilly, shabby vintage stuff that women in the United States thought looked very European.
“My head.” She mumbled.
“Yeah, I bet it’s hurting. You really smacked yourself there. You mean the shots of whiskey didn’t help? Well, you might need a doctor. Could be a concussion. That is very serious, you know. Just tell me where Natasha is and I’ll call you an ambulance. Simple, right?”
I don’t know what it is with women. If you tell them to do one thing they have to do the complete opposite.