“I don’t like it. I’m not happy. It used to be fun, I did use to have a good time, but not anymore. It isn’t for me. I find it empty. Always being on the road, never being at home, it’s lonely.”
My breath gets caught in my throat. I wasn’t expecting this, it wasn’t supposed to be an option. In one way, it’s everything that I want, Jace is actually offering to give it all up for me, but this isn’t just about Jace and me. Luci has said that she doesn’
t want anything to do with me while Jace is here so if he stays, I lose her. Not only that, but how can I fit Jace into my lifestyle? What sort of life will he have?
“You… you might not be happy without the band though,” I blurt out, trying to be practical. “It might be good for a while but you might end up resenting the decision. Resenting me. What else can you do?”
He looks like he’s been slapped in the face. That wasn’t the affect that I wanted to have with my words. I don’t want to hurt him; I just want him to see what he’s offering here.
“I just want you to see,” I plead, trying to make my point clearer. “You can’t give everything up for me, you just can’t. You’ll hate me, it’ll break us apart. It’ll be worse than before.”
“What are you trying to say, Addie? Every time I try and make you see how serious I am about you, you throw something up. There is always a reason for you to push me away.”
My eyes fall closed for a second, the wave of tiredness makes me dizzy. This isn’t the way honesty was supposed to go. I don’t know what I was expecting, but this wasn’t it.
“I’m not pushing you away, I just want you to see that this is a huge decision. I don’t want you to make it because of me.”
“You think I don’t know that?” He starts looking at me like I’ve grown an extra head, like he doesn’t know me anymore. “I’m not stupid. What the hell is this, Addie? I don’t understand. What is going on?”
I part my lips, but no words come out.
24
JACE
I can’t believe this; I actually cannot believe it. This is insane! There is a never ending stream of problems when it comes to Addie and me and I don’t get why. Why can’t we just be? If this is destiny…
“You’re finding reasons to push me away,” I tell Addie sadly. “I can see it. You don’t want me, not really. If you did, then you wouldn’t spend all your time trying to run away from me.”
“No, it isn’t that, I just know you’re going to leave, so I want to protect myself.”
“But I just told you that I’m going to stay!” I exclaim, frustrated. “Does that mean nothing?”
“You don’t get what I’m saying. I just don’t want you to resent me.”
I shake my head. There is such a chasm between us. It doesn’t matter what I say, no matter how I try to frame it to her, she is refusing to understand me. I don’t get it. I can’t help feeling paranoid that she doesn’t actually want me and this is an excuse. Maybe this has all been an error of judgement and I’ve gotten it all wrong. Perhaps she hasn’t been pining after me for all this time and this is just fun for her.
Oh god, what if that is the case? What the hell will I do?
“Addie, we need to talk about this. We can’t just ignore it,” I try. “Is this about Luci?”
“This has nothing to do with Luci,” she declares a little too fiercely. “She doesn’t have any impact on the fact that you will be far away from me. Or that you won’t be, and that you’ll stay and slowly hate me.”
“You have no idea about how I’ll feel. I’m not leaving because of you. I was unhappy before.”
Her hands fly to her hips. “So, you’re telling me that I had no impact on you?”
That gives me a tiny pause for thought. I can’t say that she had no impact, even if she isn’t the only factor. “Yes, I do want to come back for you, but I also want to because I’m unhappy…”
“That scares me, Jace. It frightens me too much. I mean, what will you do?”
“I don’t have it all worked out yet,” I admit. “But that’s okay. There is still time!”
“No, you need a plan.” She moves even further away from me, as if that’s even possible. “You need to know what you’re going to do. You can’t just leave without a plan.”
“Are you worried about me financially? Because I’ve done very well, thank you very much.”
She snorts as if this is ridiculous and shakes her head at me. “It’s about you.”