I watch him get back into his truck and speed away. I sit around the kitchen table and read the sentence on the back of the envelope.
Haze’s handwriting.
If it can’t be me
I rip the envelope open with trembling fingers. I have never, in my entire life, been so scared of ink on a page.
Winter,
You were right.
What you said to me yesterday was right. And receiving your text last night finally made me see clearly.
You apologized. After all that I've done, after all the shit that I’ve put you through, YOU apologized to ME.
I was going to come crawling back to you. I was going to come begging for your forgiveness. But you made me realize that I can't.
I can't ask for your forgiveness because I know you'll give it to me.
And I don't deserve it.
I don’t deserve one fucking drop of your love. I don’t deserve you. I never did.
And I never will.
If you're reading this right now, it means that I've finally stopped being selfish. For once in my life, I’m going to do the right thing.
I'm done. I'm done making you suffer because of how fucking broken I am. I refuse to keep putting you in harm’s way because of a sick obsession I can't shake.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if something happened to you, Winter. So, I have no choice.
I have to say it.
I can't stop looking for him.
I'll never be happy. I'll never be at peace until I find him. I can't give up on finding the man who murdered my sister. The man who destroyed my family and my life.
Not even for you.
And you have no idea how much I hate myself for it.
Part of me would like to believe that when this is all over and I've found the bastard, I'll find my way back to you. But I know better than to think you could ever forgive me this time. Or that you'll wait for me to come back after I’ve dealt with my shit. And you shouldn’t have to. You shouldn't have to wait for anyone. This isn't the life I want for you.
I'm an asshole. I think part of you always knew that. From the very first day when you called me a jackass in the hall, you knew I was fucked up beyond repair. Yet, you chose to see the good in me.
And let me tell you, I've made a lot of mistakes in my days, but accidentally falling in love with you is by far the best one. You deserve the world and I want you to have it.
Even if I can't be the one giving it to you.
But if it won't be me kissing you every night and growing old with you, I do have to tell you this.
I hope you find everything you're looking for and fall madly in love with a guy who actually deserves it.
I hope he makes you wonder how you could ever live without him and pushes you to conquer your fears.
I hope he makes you want to be the best version of yourself.
Because that's what you did for me.