“Shh,” he hushed, rubbing his hands along my goosebump-covered arms. He whispered down into my ear, his breath tickling something sensitive, “Look up.”
My head tilted slowly, my hair falling down my back. I gasped. My eyes were blurry, and my heart cascaded to the floor in one single breath.
“Just in case I’m not here.” His hands were still on my arms, rubbing back and forth in the most comforting way as we both stared at the ceiling that was lined in what seemed to be a hundred glow-in-the-dark stars.
A soft smile graced my lips as I continued to gaze up. “This…”
I didn’t have any words. I hated how much I enjoyed him caring about me and protecting me. It went against everything I stood for, because deep down, I knew I trusted Eric with everything I had, and I couldn’t remember the last time I truly trusted someone.
There was no corrupted plan for him to make me fall in love with him only to crush me in the end. He wasn’t doing this to get back at his father and my mother. He was doing it because it was him. The boy who was fiercely protective above all else.
I was still at a loss for words as I gazed upward, resting my back along his sturdy front. “I don’t know what to say.”
“You do know what to say…” He paused before bending down to my ear again. “You just won’t.”
He was right. I was too afraid to say anything that I might regret later. Couldn’t he see that this was me trying to be selfless? Couldn’t he see this was me trying to change? Why was he making it so difficult for me?
Eric’s finger brushed over my skin like a feather, causing my heart to skip a beat. His hand rested on my shoulder for a moment before he came up and caressed my neck. “I can feel your pulse sky-rocketing, Maddie.” I stopped breathing, hoping it would help disguise the way that he was affecting me. I hoped he couldn’t see the way he was making me trip on my words. “Do you know how many times I caught you staring at me today? With that sad, puppy-dog look in your eye?”
My head barely shook. His hand was still resting along my neck, and I found myself pressing into him even further. I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t fucking stop.
No one had ever affected me this way before. He was consuming me. I felt crazed. My blood was buzzing.
“Thirty-one.”
No way.
“Thirty-fucking-one times I caught you looking at me. Want to explain that?”
Thirty-one?!
I shook my head again. I didn’t trust myself to talk. Eric’s hands suddenly dropped from my body, and the disappointment was ground-breaking.
He spun me around to face him, his hand grasping my chin. He tipped it upward, both of us now looking at the glow-in-the-dark stars above our heads, surrounded by hanging clothes rubbing along our arms. “Well, until you can admit that you want me in the same way that I want you—sans whatever the fuck anyone else says—at least you’ll have these to remind you that you’re safe in the dark.”
I wasn’t safe without him.
“Stars aren’t going to protect me,” I said breathlessly, looking him in the eye. Everything around us was shadowed, but with the neon stars above, our faces were glowing.
His head tilted. “No, but I can.”
More heavy-lidded silence fell between us before he worked his jaw back and forth and took a step away from me. His hands fell as the light came back on and the door was swinging open. He put necessary distance between us, and I hated it.
“I don’t hate you anymore, Maddie.” Eric gave me a half-hearted grin, almost looking sad. “But you knew that already, right?”
I wanted to reach out to him so badly it hurt. Taking one step forward, I said, “Please stop.”
“Stop what?”
“Stop making me regret being a good person. I’m really trying here, and you’re ruining it.” I took another step toward him. “I’m trying to be selfless, Eric. For once in my fucking life, I’m trying to do the right thing.”
He scowled, meeting me halfway. “You think you’re being selfless because you’re pushing me away? Again? You think you’re bad for me?” He laughed sarcastically, rubbing a hand feebly down his face. His angry eyes drove into me, and I licked my lips eagerly. “Since when do you care if you’re bad for someone, Madeline?”
An exhausted sigh left me. “I’m trying to do better, Eric. I want to be selfless. You are better off without me. Have you seen me? I am a wreck.” My chest began heaving, and my arms were shaking. My tone started off calm but suddenly turned chaotic. The words were rushing out of my mouth so fast I couldn’t even catch my breath.
Eric threw his arms up. “Fuck that, Madeline! How can I make you see yourself the way that I see you?” He quickly spun around, putting his back to me for a second before whipping back and shouting, “You cut me out of your life because you were protecting your mom! She brings home fucking creeps who try to fuck you in your bed at night! You made yourself out to be this terrible mean girl all so you could protect the perfect image you and your mom had conjured up in your heads.” The veins in Eric’s forearms were bulging as he clenched his fists together. “Okay, you know what? Fine.” He threw his hands up again. “Yes, you were a bitch. You were cold and calculating in your mean-girl efforts.” I stepped back from the harshness in his voice. “Is that what you want to hear? Huh?” He got in my face. My eyes watered as I scanned the pain and fury coming off him in waves. “Well, guess what?” he spat. “I still fucking loved you, even then.”
Tears rushed to the surface, falling down my cheeks so fast I couldn’t wipe them away fast enough. “Well, that’s too bad, Eric! You can’t love someone like me.”