He swallowed, swallowed again, clutching the daisies tighter, then sank down and laid the flowers by Kevin’s plaque. Carefully, he straightened them, trying to make them look perfect, until he realized how paradoxical his efforts were. Because flowers would never be perfect beside a grave. At least not at the grave of someone so young.
Sadness filled him to the brim. He stood and cleared his throat.
Say it. Just fucking say it.
He forced himself to speak.
“Hey, Kev… It’s me… It’s—” He swallowed. “It’s Max.”
The grief inside strengthened. Tears gathered in his eyes.
“I’m sorry I haven’t come to visit you sooner… But I’ve been mad, Kev… So damn mad…” He shook his head and looked down. “And I shouldn’t’ve been… Not at you… I was just so fucking hurt, Kev… So devastated that you left me….”
Pain lanced through his chest. He winced and kept going. “But I should’ve tried harder… To see that you’d been hurting, too... And to realize just how tired you were getting.” He clenched his jaw. A tear slipped free. “But I just didn’t get it… And I should have, Kev. I should have.”
His brows pinched miserably. More tears ran down his cheeks. “I’m sorry I didn’t understand, Kev… God, I’m so fucking sorry… and I’m sorry for all the awful shit I said. I don’t hate you. I never did. You were my best fucking friend… I’ll love you till the day I fucking die.”
Max closed his eyes and let his shoulders sag. Slowly, he tried to mentally regroup. His heart hurt. He was tired. This visit was draining him fast.
Long moments later, he drew in another deep breath, then just like always, let it out nice and slow.
“I met someone, Kev… He’s beautiful, like you… And he’s funny… and smart… And so full of life…”
His lips curved a little. He looked down at his feet. “He makes me feel young again… Alive again… whole… He makes me smile more than anyone I’ve ever known.”
His heart thumped. “And he’s brave, Kev… So brave… And so strong… On the outside, yeah, but especially deep inside. So much stronger than I will ever fucking be.”
He rubbed his brow. “It’s crazy… I’m still trying to wrap my brain around it… How I’ve been given this second chance with such an incredible person… who I don’t have to be brave or strong for.” He shook his head. “He’s everything, Kev… everything… And I love him.”
Damn. Just talking about Sean was making him feel better. Lifting the weight off his heart, off his soul. Max could feel him, like a ray of sun cutting through his depths, reaching down to grab his arm and pull him up.
Max exhaled and pulled something free from his front pocket. His sentimental token. His reminder through all these years. That he couldn’t trust anyone. That he had to keep his distance. To build walls and stay alone. To guard his heart at all costs. Because if he didn’t, the same cruel fate would take him down again. And this time he wouldn’t get back up.
Thing was, he didn’t believe that anymore. Didn’t believe that every road led to hell. Because he’d learned how to trust again. Sean had opened his eyes. Eyes that had been closed for so long. But Sean hadn’t stopped there. He’d taken Max’s hand and shown him just how freeing their love could be. That whenever the road at their feet got bumpy, all they needed to do was fly.
Max’s heart thump-bumped as he uncurled his fingers and looked down at the trinket in his hand. The small wooden hawk he’d carved for his Kevin. Meant to encourage, to remind him to stay strong. Worn smooth by Max’s thumb, it’d served the same purpose for him, but ultimately, for a much different end. To keep him strong in his vigilance to stay alone.
Not anymore.
Not anymore.
Sinking back to his haunches, he set it down on Kevin’s plaque. Right by his name, top corner of his K, its spread wings now offering a whole new sentiment. That Kevin was free. And now so was Max.
“Kinda ironic, isn’t it?” he murmured, standing up. “How you used to say you felt like a bird that couldn’t fly, but all this time, I’m the one who’s been grounded. But I’m not anymore. I think I’m finally fixed.” He pocketed his hands and gave a small nod. “Guess we both can fly free now.” He glanced toward the sky. “Who knows, maybe I’ll catch up with you on the other side… since, you know, you’ve always been kind of slow.” Max looked back down and eyed Kevin’s plaque one last time. “I hope so, Kev. I hope I see you again. We’ve got way too much to catch up on.”
His heart thumped anxiously. So this was closure. God, he’d never tasted anything so bittersweet. Such merciful relief amidst a lifetime of hurt. A weight lifted that he hadn’t known was crushing him.