All she could do was keep herself draped over him and let some of his pain soak into her through some weird osmosis that actually seemed to be working. Either that, or Cason was just one of those people that had total control of his emotions, because he wasn’t a mess. He wasn’t even angry. She heard the pain leaching into every word, soaking and dripping in his tone, but there was no anger. Resignation maybe. Somehow it was far worse, like he’d accepted what happened and lived with it all the following years.
Noemi couldn’t say how she knew, but she definitely knew that he hadn’t told anyone else about what happened. Anyone who didn’t already know it, at any rate.
“Anyway…” Cason sighed. “I sometimes dream about it. It’s not pleasant. I had to identify the body after. I see that, in the dream. The whole last scenario plays out. His words. Me throwing the keys to him.”
“It wasn’t your fault.”
“I know.” His voice was gentle, and he smoothed his hand over her hair again, like she needed the reassurance. “I know. I know it wasn’t my fault. I just wish all of it had been different. Everything. My mom. My dad. I wish she’d had more time and he hadn’t lost her. That he’d been better able to cope with the pain. That I was older and could have taken care of him and myself. I know it’s useless, wishing for it to be the other way around. All of it made me who I am. I don’t know that it’s a good thing, necessarily, but I worked hard to prove my dad wrong. He told me I’d never amount of anything, that I’d run his company into the ground. I haven’t. I didn’t. He did leave it to me. He didn’t have time to change his will, obviously. I came into the money and the company when I was eighteen. Was involved before then. Everyone was surprisingly helpful and welcoming. They didn’t mind that I was really just a kid. I think they were just happy to keep their jobs. Anyway. I don’t know why I told you any of that. It’s not exactly a romantic first date story.”
Her hand flexed on his chest, relaxing from the tight fist she’d balled it into. “This isn’t exactly a first date.”
She didn’t look up at him, but she could sense his smile. “I’m glad I told you. Sorry if it gives you nightmares now, or if you think I’m a creep. It’s just been a long time that I’ve kept it bottled up and it was kind of like soda, if you shake it hard and twist the cap, eventually it just explodes everywhere. I hadn’t got to that point, in case you’re wondering, but this helped. And if I randomly soak the bed again and you find me having a pity party in the tub, you’ll know why.”
“It’s okay,” she assured him. “Really. All of it. What you said. I- thank you for sharing. I won’t tell anyone.”
“Oh, I know. It’s kind of an awkward point in conversation, telling someone how you had the best sex of your life, and then in the same breath telling them that the man who gave you said best sex turned into a complete chick and spilled his whole terrible life story to you.”
She couldn’t help it. It was his words. His tone. The fact that after everything, he was still there. She knew he was wrong. That he wasn’t a bad person. That when he said it made him who he was, he obviously thought that he was lacking in some way. He was trying to make the whole thing a little less awkward, like he’d said, so she let herself let out a breath that sounded half like a small laugh.
Cason’s arm tightened around her shoulders and he seemed content to just hold her. His breathing deepened and evened out, his chest rising and falling beneath her cheek and hand, and she could tell he was actually asleep, like the telling of it all had unburdened his soul and he could sleep soundly, maybe for the first time since he was a kid and his life unraveled.
Noemi didn’t. She stayed awake for a long time. Thinking about his burden. About her own. About his family. About her mom. About her dad. About life.
Finally, when actual real rays of dawn crept into the room, she untangled herself from Cason’s heavy limbs. She was careful not to wake him, but she had a feeling he would have slept loudly even if a meteor dropped out of the sky and fell right onto the house, right next to the bed.
She dressed in total silence, gathered up her things and let herself out of the house.