They held up their hand. “Just… give me a minute, okay?”
I crossed my legs, smoothing out my dress before settling my hands in my lap. “Okay. Go for it.”
Kai frowned down at their plate. “I’m not… like her. I mean, I’m smart, and I get good grades most of the time. I hate school, but I know why I have to be there, especially if I’m ever going to get out of this shit town. But I’m not the pretty girl who everyone loves. I’m not the hot guy who everyone admires. I’m just… me. And sometimes it feels like it’s not enough.”
“How do you get beyond that?” I asked.
“I don’t know,” Kai admitted. “Sometimes I think I am, that I don’t care about stuff like that. It’s stupid, right? Who gives a crap what happens now? A year from now, two years from now, none of this will matter. We won’t be the same people, and even though that scares me, I try and remember that. This is just a beginning. Which brings me back to this girl.” They made a face. “Her name is Becca. Because of course it is. Even her name is perfect.”
“I don’t know. I’m kind of partial to Kai, myself.”
Kai rolled their eyes. “I don’t need you to feed my ego.”
“I’m not. Have you ever known me to do that?”
They watched me for a moment. “Fair. No, I haven’t. You’re kind of a jerk that way.”
I was startled into a laugh. “Thanks. I think.”
“She texts Diego all the time,” Kai continued. “And they had the same lunch period last year, and she always sat with him. And it pissed me off.”
“What does Diego think about all of it?”
They looked over at Diego, expression softening. He was laughing about something, mouth open wide, cheese stuck between his teeth. “Diego thinks she’s great.”
“But….”
“But he told me that I have nothing to worry about. That he’s not interested in her because he already has me. And I wanted to believe him, and most of me did. But there was still this little part that thought what if? I’ve had that part for a long time, you know? That stupid little voice in my head that whispers crap that I don’t like to think about. Do you know what I’m talking about?”
I thought of Ty and his earthquakes. “Yeah. I do.”
“And I acted like such an asshole about it. I was… well. Not mean, but not nice either. I didn’t like her, and I wanted to make sure she knew that. That everyone knew that.”
I winced. “Didn’t go over well.”
“Understatement,” they said. “I thought Diego was going to break up with me. And he would have been right to do so. It took me a while to understand that it wasn’t that I didn’t trust him, but that I didn’t trust myself to be good enough.” Their eyes were bright as they looked back at me. “Dumb, right?”
I shook my head. “No. I don’t think it is. We… have a lot on our shoulders. And while everyone goes through stuff, it’s different for people like us. We’re wrestling with things many people can’t understand.”
“Right,” they said. “And I thought how much easier it would be for Diego.” Kai’s brow furrowed. “He gets shit about me from others. He doesn’t think I know, but I do. They all think being bisexual is sooo cooool, but me? Most of them don’t know what to do about me.”
“Why should they have to do anything?”
“They don’t,” Kai said. “But if someone isn’t like everyone else, they make an easier target. Or if we’re lucky, to be just dismissed entirely. Diego is popular. Everyone loves him. I’m not… that. I don’t care about it.”
“Maybe a little?”
Kai scowled. “I don’t.”
“Okay. Noted.”
“So what do I do?”
“Um. About what?”
“Wow,” they said. “You’re really good at this.”
I glared at them. “You just hit me with, like, ten different things, Kai. Tell me where you want to start.”