“Sounds about right,” I said, aloof. “I know what I’m talking about.”
“Is this Sexy Paul?” Corey asked.
“Close,” Dad said. “He’s getting there. You’ll know when it hits. How much did he have?”
“Two shots,” Corey said.
“Except that I might have made them doubles,” Helena said, not sounding apologetic in the slightest. “Oops.”
“Then we’ve got about ten more minutes,” Dad said. “Believe me, you’ll see it happen.”
“I let the beat drop,” I agreed. “Now. What are you all doing here?”
“We want to celebrate with you,” Mom said. “It’s not every day our son has a bachelor party.”
“And it will probably be the only one you have,” Dad said. “Unless for some reason you and Vince get divorced down the road and you attempt to counteract your middle-aged doldrums by bringing home a much younger trophy husband. Then you might get to have a second one. But in case that doesn’t happen, we wanted to be here for it.”
“I’m the trophy husband,” I said. “Guys see me, and they’re all like, daaaaamn. Gotta get me some of that.”
“Oh boy,” Helena said.
“I’m a cold-hearted snake,” I said.
“Did he just quote Paula Abdul?” Corey whispered.
“Just go with it,” Helena said. “It makes things easier.”
“I’m going to send sexy texts to my fiancé,” I announced, pulling out my phone. “No one look at me.”
They all diverted their gazes when I glared at them. Granted, they couldn’t see my glare, but they got the idea.
I was feeling amazing. The screen was a little blurry, but that was okay. I knew exactly what I wanted to say. I was going to get him so riled up that he’d want to destroy me later. It took me three minutes to send the sexiest text I could think of.
Hey
It was perfect. It showed how cool I was, but didn’t give away the goods. It was like fishing, I knew. Just had to cast the line and wait for a nibble.
Which I got almost immediately.
Vince: hi! dare sez can’t use fone for long
Me: That’s okay. I wanted to tell you something
Vince: wut?
Me: I want to suck your duck
Vince: WUT
Me: Damn autocorrect
Me: Suck your duck
Me: Your penmanship
Me: Your cock-eyed giblets
Me: I WANT LICK YOUR ASSISTANT