“You may end up regretting that sooner than you think,” I muttered to him. Only then did I notice his arms were full. “What’s all this?”
He blushed. He fucking blushed. It was so unfair. I blushed and I looked like I had third-degree burns spreading over my body. He blushed and it made him hotter. “Just thought I should bring something for your folks and your nana.” He shuffled his feet. “Also got you a birthday present, even though your birthday has already passed. I felt bad that I missed it.”
“You… come in here all… so awesome and I can’t even… so unfair….”
He looked up and grinned. “You’re sputtering,” he murmured. “That usually means I’ve done something good. It’s nothing big. Just flowers for your mom and Nana, and some scotch for your dad because he looks like he’d like it.”
I shook my head. “You’re so fucking weird.”
“Yeah. But you think I’m awesome.”
“Did you have a good day?” I asked, trying to keep my voice level as I closed the door behind him.
I thought he stiffened slightly, but it was gone before I could be sure it was there. “It was fine,” he said.
“Oh. That’s good.” Only then did I notice slightly dark circles around his eyes. “You okay? You look tired.” I felt bad. “Look, we don’t have to do this now if you’re not feeling it. Trust me, my family can be exhausting like you wouldn’t believe. Maybe we should—”
“It’s fine, Paul,” he said with an exasperated smile. “I just haven’t been sleeping well.”
“Is it your back? Still sore?”
“Yeah. A little bit.”
“Are you sure you—”
“Paul!” Nana shouted from the living room.
I groaned. “Here we go,” I whispered. “Yeah?” I shouted back.
“Quit trying to get fresh with your young man in the hallway and bring his ass in here so I can meet him!”
“Language!” my father yelled from the kitchen. “Hi, Vince!”
“Hi, Larry!” Vince called back.
“Hi, Vince!”
“Hello, Matty!”
“Paul’s a fudge packer!”
Vince’s eyes bulged.
“Johnny Depp,” I sighed. “I told you. This is going to be bad. He hates everyone and all he does is say horrid things. I would feel bad, but you wanted to see this. I only ask that if you feel like screaming and running in the opposite direction you give me plenty of notice so that I can start looking for a new country to live in so that I may die in embarrassment around people who don’t speak the same language I do.”
“This will probably be the most magical day ever,” he assured me.
“You say that now. I’ll ask that you remember that in two hours when you’re trying to find the best way to file a restraining order against us, or if you’re looking up support groups after being verbally raped by a parrot.”
“Hi, my name is Vince,” he intoned. “Paul’s homophobic parrot touched me in my no-no place.”
“You’re a natural,” I sighed. “Let’s get this over with.”
He followed me down the hall and into the living room, where Nana was waiting expectantly in her chair. She’d put on her glasses, smoothed down her hair, and sat with her hands in her lap. If one saw her like this, they’d think her a sweet, demure little old lady. Too bad the façade was all a lie. I knew the steel-trap mind and tiger’s claws that were buried underneath. If Gigi didn’t like him, she’d tear him to shreds piece by piece. I’d seen her do it before and there was little one can do to stop it.
So imagine my surprise when she saw him for the first time and her face lit up in a wide smile. Imagine my surprise when she pushed herself up from her recliner with a very unladylike grunt and practically shoved me out of the way. It was good to know where her loyalties lay, even without having ever seen him before today.
“You must be Vince!” she beamed at him. “I’m Paul’s grandmother. You may call me Gigi or Nana, whatever you wish. It’s quite lovely to meet you.”