“I’m not going anywhere!”
“Why not!” I shouted, not caring if the Kid woke up.
He stopped pacing, and his eyes flashed at me. “If you don’t know already, then there’s no point in telling you,” he spat at me.
I jumped up from my chair and stood in front of him, glaring up into his face. He scowled down at me, his eyes unflinching. I had never been that close to his face before and saw f
lecks of gold in the green of his eyes that I never knew existed. I wondered just how drunk I was because I felt my hands come up, and I knew I was going to punch Otter in the face or shove him to the ground. What I didn’t expect was my hands to wrap around the back of his neck and slide gently up to his hair, still wet from the shower. What I didn’t expect was for my hands to pull him toward me. What I didn’t expect was for his lips to meet mine, a grunt of surprise pouring from his mouth. What I didn’t expect was how warm he tasted and how good it felt and how I could tell when he got over his initial shock because he started to kiss me back, and my blood boiled, and I was electrified, and the whole universe shook to its core. Then I realized what was happening, what I was doing and who I was doing it with, and I froze as Otter’s hands trailed their way to my waist. As soon as his hands touched my hips, I jumped back, finding myself almost on the other side of the room.
“Oh my God,” I moaned out loud as my stomach cramped, and I bent over from the pain of it. “Oh my God.”
And so that’s how it happened. That’s how I ended up kissing my best friend’s big brother; Otter, who I had known for practically my entire cognizant life. Crazy, right? Especially since I’m not like that. I don’t know how it happened or why it happened or anything, okay? It just did. I remember stumbling away from him, and I muttered apologies, telling him I was drunk, and I didn’t know what I was doing and that’s not who I was and how I just needed to go to sleep and if he could just leave, and I would call him later. While babbling at him, I never met his eyes. My head was dizzy, and I felt sick to my stomach. I was almost to the couch and asking him incoherently if he wouldn’t tell Creed or Anna when the room started to spin. I lay down on the couch and saw him walking toward me, a concerned look on his face, and before I was gone, I remembered how his hair had felt under my fingers, wet and soft.
SOMETIME later, I thought I had a dream. I dreamt that Otter had picked me up from the couch, carrying me in his arms. He took me to my bedroom and put me in my bed, pulling the comforter up to my chin. He sat on the bed beside me and rubbed my hair and caressed my cheek. I tried to talk to him, but my mouth felt full of cotton, and I couldn’t speak. I felt the bed shift as he stood, and he leaned over me and kissed me on the forehead. Before he pulled away, his lips came near my ear, and he said, “I’m sorry. I hope you’ll be able to forgive me one day.” I wanted to tell him it was okay even though I didn’t know what he was talking about. But he was already gone.
“BEAR, get up!” the Kid said into my ear.
I groaned and squinted my eyes open, hissing at the light as it stabbed its way into my head. I turned my head and saw Ty peering down at me from his perch next to my bed. As soon as I moved my head, jagged pain shot through it, causing my stomach to ripple.
“Are you sick?” Ty asked me.
“Yes,” I said hoarsely. “Why’d you wake me up? What time is it?”
The Kid glanced over at the clock on the nightstand that separated our beds. “It’s still in the morning. I was watching TV, and your phone rang, and it said Creed, so I answered it. He sounds mad and said he wanted to talk to you.” I then noticed he was holding my cell phone in one of his hands, and I remembered what had happened the night before. My breath caught in my throat, and I almost told Ty to hang up the phone and then throw it on the ground and step on it. Then I would pack a bag for him and me, and we would get in my car and drive to Canada, where no one would know that I had kissed a guy the night before. Did Otter tell him? I panicked. Did Otter tell Creed I fucking kissed him? Ty held out the phone and put into my outstretched hand.
“I’m going to go watch TV,” Ty said as he walked out of the room.
I put the phone to my ear. “Hello?”
“I’m going to fucking kill him!” Creed raged into my ear.
“Kill who?” I asked, not wanting an answer.
“Otter! I can’t believe he’d do this!”
“What?”
“He’s gone!”
My heart skipped a beat. “Wait, what? What do you mean he’s gone?”
Creed starting shouting into the phone: “I woke up this morning, and he was packing up his car with all his shit. I asked him what he was doing, and he said he had taken that job in San Diego after all. He said it was better this way! Can you believe this? I mean, how could he do this to Ty, man? He told Ty he was going to stay here, and now it’s just going to mess up the Kid even more! He’d said he had turned that fucking job down to stay here!”
“He’s gone?” I repeated, my mind too numb to think of anything else.
“As of an hour ago. I asked him what Ty was going to think? What you were going to think by him not saying anything to you guys, and he wouldn’t answer me.”
“Oh.”
“I know, right? I mean, what the hell! ‘Better this way’? What does that even mean? I want to know why he did this. He left that dinner last night, and something happened because when he came back home, he was acting really weird. He wouldn’t tell me where he was going, but he was wearing different clothes when he came back.”
“He was?”
“Yeah and, well, okay, I have to tell you something, and you have to promise this stays between us. This is some serious shit, Bear.”
“I promise.”
I heard Creed take a deep breath. “Otter’s gay. He came out to my mom and dad and me a few months ago. I didn’t tell you because I read on Wikipedia that the coming-out process is different for everyone, and they have to do it on their own. I don’t give a shit, but my parents were kind of weird about it, and there were some bad vibes around here for a while.”