“We met when I was twelve and he was thirteen,” she said, taking a deep breath. “I grew up in Dallas, and he’d just moved there from Eagle Creek. He moved in a few houses down from me, and I had the biggest crush on him. Around two months after we met, I had my accident. And he was one of the few who stuck by me, staying my friend. He visited me in the hospital at least once a week, sometimes more. Nothing scared him away. I was deep into depression and upset with life, but nothing I said fazed him. He just kept coming back.
“When I got out of the hospital, he was there through surgeries and rehab. He was just this steady, solid presence, and nothing could shake him. When I was well enough, he asked me out. And the rest is history. We were high school sweethearts, always at each other’s sides. He was a year ahead of me in school, and when he graduated, he went to Texas A&M. It was a three-hour drive each way, but he came home every other weekend to see me, and I’d go there at least once a month. And when I graduated, I went to school there, too.
“The summer between my freshman and sophomore year, we got married. Almost everyone we knew said we were too young, but we were in love and crazy about each other, devoted completely. Our parents approved—they knew it was inevitable, and knew protesting would do no good and only push us away. And his parents liked me, and mine adored him. Everything was perfect. When I graduated, Kyle wanted to move back here. He’d missed Eagle Creek since his parents moved him to Dallas, and it was always his dream to come back. He was a graphic designer and could work anywhere, and a position at the elementary school opened up here for me. It felt fated and meant to be.”
Holly paused for a moment, remembering with a smile. Kyle was beyond excited to be coming back to Wyoming and Eagle Creek, and it made her happy to see him so happy. Everything was perfect at that moment in time.
“It didn’t bother you to leave everything you knew behind?” Ian asked, curiosity coating his voice.
Shaking her head, she replied, “Not at all. I was going to miss my parents, of course, and Kyle’s as well. But other than them, I wasn’t really leaving anything behind. When I injured my leg, most of my childhood friends slowly disappeared over time. There was only Kyle. And after we started dating, I didn’t see anyone else around me. He became my world. Maybe that wasn’t right, maybe it was unhealthy, I don’t know, but I was happy with things just the way they were. He wasn’t just my lover, he was my best friend, and I didn’t need anything more than him.”
Nodding slowly, he said, “I guess I get that. Go on.”
“Moving here felt like an adventure. And it didn’t take long to fall in love with Wyoming, with Eagle Creek. We were crazy happy.” Smile fading, she swallowed hard and braced herself for the rest of the story. Taking a deep breath, she pushed on. “And then I got pregnant. We’d been trying for a while, and it was like a miracle when it happened.
“We were both ecstatic. God, Ian, I’ve never been so happy as I was at that moment. We’d been in Eagle Creek for nine months at that point, and I loved it here. I had my soul mate, my best friend, with me ever
y day, and now we were having a baby. Life was blissful and perfect. And then—” her voice broke, and she took a moment to compose herself, swallowing hard and breathing deeply. “And then when I was thirteen weeks pregnant, I had a miscarriage. Kyle and I were devastated. I mean… there are just no words to describe how heartbroken we were. I loved that baby so much already.”
Ian reached over and took her hand, holding it tightly, and she didn’t protest. She needed the contact, needed to ground herself in the present. He squeezed her hand, saying, “I wish I could tell you how very sorry I am, but I don’t have the words to express it.”
“It’s okay,” she replied, taking a steadying breath. “I understand. It’s hard to find the right words to say to someone when they tell you of a tragedy like that. But the tragedy doesn’t end there. Two days later, Kyle had a heart attack. He was in the backyard planting a tree in remembrance of the baby, and he stopped suddenly and said he was dizzy. I helped him sit down, and then he just collapsed backward. I called 911, and they came quickly, but he was already turning blue when they got here. They rushed him to the hospital, and the doctors worked on him for about an hour before they stopped. They said there was nothing they could do, and continuing their efforts was just prolonging the inevitable.”
“Holly, I….” his voice trailed off, and his Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed hard, looking again at the photos of Kyle. “Jesus. A heart attack? He was so young.”
“Twenty-four,” she acknowledged, looking at the photos. “His father and grandfather both died of heart attacks in their late thirties, so we knew there was something there, although all of the testing they did on Kyle showed him nothing but completely healthy. Still, he went to have his heart monitored and tested every six months. He was determined that nothing like that happen to him. He’d just gone in for his latest rounds two months before he died, and was given a complete bill of health.
“They did an autopsy and found two of the arteries in his heart were completely blocked. None of us, not me, or family, or even the doctors understood it. Two months before he was fine, and suddenly his arteries were blocked? They even found bruising on his heart, indicative of him having a heart attack the day before, but I didn’t know, and neither did Kyle. If he’d felt it, he would have gone in immediately. They drew blood and sent it out to different labs, and a few months later, we found out what happened.
“He was born with a rare genetic defect. And it caused the platelets in his blood to suddenly build up and clog his arteries. I suppose if we’d known that, it’s possible it could have been prevented somehow. But I feel, deep in my heart, that this was what was meant to be. Kyle was like a shooting star, too bright and pure to stay in this world for long.”
Holly fell silent after that, lost in her memories. She felt Ian squeeze her hand, but she was back in the past, in the moment three years ago when she was told Kyle died. A man and woman came out to talk to her, and the woman kept going on about how they did this, and did that, and tried to do this, but Holly didn’t understand any of it. She felt like she was drowning. She couldn’t move, couldn’t scream, couldn’t cry out.
She couldn’t do anything, and even if she could, she didn’t know what she would have done. All she knew was she didn’t want that woman to be telling her that. Anything, absolutely anything, but that. Her whole world stopped at that moment, her life forever and completely altered, and nothing would ever be the same.
“You’re even stronger than I thought at first,” Ian said softly, drawing her out of her memories and back to the present. “To have gone through all you did, in just a few short days, and to come out of it like you have, is incredible. You’re absolutely amazing, Holly White.”
“It didn’t happen right away. I grieved endlessly for the first year. I was numb at first, then I couldn’t stop crying, and then I raged. Lord, did I rage. Twenty-four-seven, at everyone and everything. I was pissed off, mad at life, and then incredibly disappointed in life. All I wanted to do was sleep. To escape reality, to dream without living. It took a long time to come back to myself, but I was never the same. I never will be. It changed me forever, and I’m not the Holly I used to be. I’m a completely different person than I was. But I’ve accepted what happened. I had no other choice. And Kyle wouldn’t have wanted me to break like I did. So I slowly tried to glue the pieces of myself back together. They’re not the same, and they don’t fit quite right, but I make do. So you see, I’m not that strong. If I was, I would have been able to pull myself back together. I wouldn’t have lost it like I did.”
“Holly.” Ian said her name firmly, waiting until she met his eyes before continuing. “The very definition of ‘strong’ is overcoming a tragedy like the one you went through. Hell, it wasn’t even one tragedy. It was two, back to back. Either one of those would have been enough to break someone. And maybe they did break you, but you managed to fight your way back to yourself. Maybe you’re not the same, maybe you’re forever altered, but you’re here, managing to lead a normal life, a productive member of society. A lot of people would have lost themselves and never been able to find their way back. You did. Don’t knock yourself for falling to your knees for so long. You got back up, and that’s what counts. That’s what makes you strong.”
Her throat tightened and burned with tears but she did her best to fight them back. Maybe he was right. Maybe the fact that she picked up her broken pieces and tried to live her life again meant something, and made her strong. But it was hard to feel like that, to see herself in that light. To her, it wasn’t strength. It was just her doing what she had to do, because the only other option was to lose herself forever.
Taking a shaky breath, she composed herself before looking at him. “Do you understand now why I said I can’t spend time with you? Why I can’t go there with you? This isn’t about me comparing you to Kyle. I don’t want you to think that’s what I’m doing. You’re two completely different people, with different things to offer a woman. And I know you have a lot to offer someone. Whatever lady you ultimately choose is going to be luckier than most.
“But I don’t think I can do this again. Can’t put myself out there, can’t risk losing someone again. I know for a fact that I wouldn’t be able to come back after another loss. I haven’t known you long, but I know enough to know you deserve someone who can go all in with you, in a way I’d never be able to. Someone who can give you her whole heart, someone who can be there in the moment with you, and with Shelby. And that person can never be me.”
Staring at her, he squeezed her hands as he shook his head. “There you go, underestimating yourself again. I know you’re scared. I know you went through more than anyone should be expected to in their whole lifetime, and you did it by the time you were in your mid-twenties. Loads of physical and emotional pain, heaped in piles on your head until you were buried in it. But you can do this, Holly. And I won’t let you down. I promise you that.”
Mouth popping open, she stared at him, wondering if she heard him right. But the conviction was there in his eyes and voice, and she knew he was completely serious. Her mind blanked out for a moment, and she sought her voice, working on steadying her emotions.
“Did you not hear anything I said, Ian? And how can you promise something like that? You don’t know the future. Anything can happen. I mean, Kyle died of a heart attack at twenty-four years old! That’s not normal, and not something anyone could have expected. You could be sick with something right now and not know it. There’s no way you could possibly guarantee nothing would happen to you.”
“I’m not sick. I never get sick. And I don’t know how to explain that I know nothing will happen to me, but I do. Listen to my voice. Look into my eyes. You’ll hear and see the truth there. And Holly, loving someone is always a risk. Even if there were a guarantee they’d live to be one hundred, there’s still a risk involved. There’s no way of avoiding that. You just have to decide if the person you want is worth taking that risk. I’ve given this thought. I’ve carefully considered the risks, I’ve weighed the rewards. And I know, unequivocally, that you’re worth taking a chance on. You’re worth it, Holly.
“I’m a fighter, you know that. I fight hard, and I give it everything I have. I’m going to be fighting for you. Fighting with everything in me, and I won’t give up, because that’s not in my nature. And Holly—I’m fighting to win. So brace yourself, because once I set my sights on something, I give it everything I’ve got.”
Wide-eyed, she stared at him in silence, stunned to her toes. His words were hitting a chord, sparking something inside her she wasn’t sure she wanted to examine. He squeezed her hands one more time before letting them go, standing to his full height and looking at her like he was trying to brand her into his memory. Fighting a shiver as she felt his look like a caress to her skin, she tried to find her voice, but her capability for speech had deserted her.