Kneading the painful knot in the thigh of her bad leg, she tipped her head back, resting it on the sofa. The memories were hitting her hard and fast now, and she didn’t fight them. Fighting them did no good, and only made it worse when they crept past the walls she’d throw up to protect herself. So she let them wash over her.
After she and Kyle married, they hadn’t tried for a baby. But they’d decided against using any birth control, figuring they’d let nature take its course and fate decide. She wasn’t too worried about it at first. She was still in college. But as the years passed, she became concerned when she never conceived.
At a routine checkup, she mentioned it in passing to her gynecologist, not really expecting anything to come of it. She and Kyle weren’t actively trying, after all, and maybe their timing just hadn’t worked out. What followed was a flurry of questions and tests, followed by a diagnosis. Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, or PCOS.
It was something she’d only ever heard about in passing. She knew nothing about it, and while the doctor did her best to reassure Holly that it didn’t mean she’d never have a baby, only that it might make it difficult to conceive, it didn’t lessen the panic or the sick knot in her gut. She researched endlessly after that, needing to know everything she could about PCOS.
What she found surprised her, given how little she’d heard of it before being diagnosed with it. PCOS affected one in ten women, and could lead to a whole host of other issues, along with infertility. The good news for Hol
ly had been that the infertility was treatable for the most part. And some of her panic began to recede at the knowledge. Being diagnosed felt like a step back, but it wasn’t the end. Children were still an option for her and Kyle.
After graduation, they began actively trying, although they didn’t immediately seek help. Some women with PCOS conceived on their own. But when a year passed and it still hadn’t happened, they finally made an appointment with a fertility specialist.
And then it happened, before they ever had a chance to see the doctor. After four years of not using protection, and one year of actively trying, Holly was pregnant. They were over the moon. Holly never before felt the kind of joy she felt when those two pink lines showed up. And at her first doctor’s appointment, when the heartbeat filled that room, she and Kyle both had tears in their eyes.
She had absolutely everything she ever wanted. A best friend, soulmate, and husband all rolled into one in Kyle, a job she loved, and now, she had a baby on the way. Life was blissful and beyond perfect. Until it wasn’t.
When she was thirteen weeks pregnant, she started cramping. She didn’t think anything of it at first, because all the books she read said a little cramping was normal, and when she called her doctor, they confirmed it. So she went to bed that night knowing it was all okay.
And then she woke up in the middle of the night, the cramps so bad they took her breath away. She rolled over to wake Kyle and felt wetness between her thighs. He rushed her to the hospital, but it was too late. She’d lost the baby.
They were inconsolable, heartbroken, and hurting. And then two days later, at only twenty-four years old, Kyle had a heart attack and died. Holly nearly went mad with grief. First her baby and then her husband, in the space of two days. For the longest time, she blamed herself. Not just for losing the baby, but for Kyle dying, as well. She thought it was the loss of their baby that caused his heart attack. If she’d done something, anything different, if she’d ignored the books and the phone call and went to the hospital when she first started cramping, if she’d just done something, Kyle wouldn’t have gone through that stress and had a heart attack.
She knew now that it wasn’t anything she’d done. Even if she hadn’t lost the baby, Kyle still would have had a heart attack. He had a rare genetic condition they didn’t know about. His father and grandfather had both died in their thirties from heart attacks, so they knew there was something there, but Kyle regularly had his heart checked. His last appointment had been just two months before that, and everything was perfect.
It took her a long time to believe that it wasn’t her fault, though, even knowing the facts. Even now, three years later, she still had moments of doubt and blame. The therapist she saw in the months following Kyle’s death assured her this was normal, but it never got any easier to deal with.
And seeing a pregnant woman brought it all back. The miscarriage, Kyle’s death, all of it. And sometimes the longing for the past was so strong, she couldn’t breathe through it. Sometimes, her greatest wish was to live life backward. For tomorrow to be yesterday, and the next to be the day before yesterday, and so on, until she was twelve years old again, meeting Kyle for the first time and developing a major crush on the cute boy a grade ahead of her who’d just moved to Dallas from Eagle Creek.
She pushed herself off the couch and hobbled into the kitchen for a drink. That kind of thinking was dangerous, so she tried hard to stay away from it. And for the most part, she was successful. She couldn’t go back in time, and did her best to accept that Kyle was gone and would never be back.
But sometimes that longing to be a mother still crept up on her and smacked her in the face, stealing her breath. She’d dreamt of having children since she was six and playing with her dolls, long before she ever met Kyle. And while she tried to let her dream of Kyle and a happy married life go, she couldn’t let the dream of motherhood go.
But it was a dream that would never become a reality. Even if she met someone new, becoming a mother wasn’t likely to happen. It had taken so very long to become pregnant, and then she lost the baby, all fairly common side effects of PCOS. Motherhood just wasn’t meant to be for her, but she’d give all that love to her students.
The kids in her class filled some of the void. Every year, each and every one of them, from the angels to the troublemakers, felt like hers. And it was enough. It had to be.
“HERE YOU GO.” HOLLY SMILED AT ONE of her students after she fixed the buckle on her little dress shoe and then sent her off to rejoin the dance.
The father daughter dance was a huge success, with one notable exception. There were a few girls who came because they didn’t want to miss out, but who didn’t have fathers here. Her heart clenched every time she caught a glimpse of them. They were having fun with their friends, but every now and then, they’d cast looks of envy at the other dads, or gaze longingly at the dance floor. It broke Holly’s heart to see it, but there was nothing she could do to make it better.
Everyone else seemed to be having a great time. Music and laughter mingled together, and the food and snacks flowed freely. And most of the dads seemed willing to get on the dance floor and dance with their daughters. Yes, the night, on the whole, was a success.
Scanning over the crowd to see if anyone needed attention, she told herself she absolutely wasn’t checking to see if a certain behemoth of a man and his adorable daughter had arrived yet. Snorting, she rolled her eyes at herself. Yeah, right. Even in her head, she didn’t sound convincing.
Shelby had been a model student all week long, and Holly found herself wishing, for the first time ever in her career, that a student would misbehave in some way. She got upset with herself every time she remembered the fleeting thought, and even now, guilt washed over her. Shelby was happy and well-adjusted in school, her grades were high, and she was making friends. It was everything Holly wanted for her, and getting into trouble didn’t even come close to making that list. Yet Holly had wished it, just so she’d have an excuse to see Ian again.
And that was a prime example of why it was best Holly and Ian stay away from each other as much as possible. It was just the icing on the cake of reasons why it was best. Deliberately pushing him from her mind as one of the dads approached, she directed him to the restroom. When he was walking away, she turned toward the door of the gym as it opened.
Breath catching, she watched as Ian and Shelby stepped into the room. Shelby looked adorable in a fluffy pink dress, her hair curled around her shoulders and patent leather shoes on her feet. But it was her father Holly couldn’t tear her eyes away from. His hair was once again slicked back from his face, and he wore black dress pants and a blue collared shirt. Lips quirking, she watched as he tugged his collar. It was obvious he didn’t wear dress clothes often, but he really should. In his jeans and t-shirt, he was mouthwateringly gorgeous. But dressed like this, he was breathtakingly handsome.
She was so intent on checking Ian out that it took her a few moments to realize it wasn’t just him and Shelby. Three other men walked in after the pair. Curious about what they were doing here, she approached the fighters. Ian noticed her, his eyes widening as he looked her over. Scolding herself for taking pleasure in his heated look, she was nonetheless happy she’d put on her prettiest dress and made sure her makeup and hair were done well. Feeling grateful she hadn’t needed her cane tonight, she came to a stop in front of them and smiled at Shelby.
“You look beautiful, Shelby,” she said warmly. “I’m so glad you could make it.”
“You look beautiful, too! Doesn’t she, Dad?” Shelby asked slyly, giving her dad a sideways glance.
“Gorgeous.” He ran his gaze up and down Holly’s body.