Exhaling heavily, sure she wouldn’t want him touching her anymore when he explained fully, he let her hand go and stood, moving to pace in front of the beds. She turned sideways to watch him, her brow wrinkled with confusion, and he went to adjust his ballcap, only realizing then that he hadn’t put it on after she came into the bathroom. Fuck. It was his crutch, his calming method, and he wasn’t used to not having it. He felt more naked than he had in his boxers when she walked in.
“Noah? What is it?”
Fuck it. Might as get it over with. Rip it off like a band aid and hope one day, she could forgive him.
She will. She’s our mate, his lion said, his pacing calm since Lily was in the room.
You need to talk more.
One day.
Shit. That was it, and he couldn’t use his animal to stall anymore. Not that his animal speaking to him wasn’t a big deal. It was. That was only the second time in ten years.
“The healing ability means that we can get hurt and barely feel it a moment later. The night you walked into the clubhouse, the guy who hit me broke my nose. But by the time you were fussing over me, it was completely healed.” Pausing, he rubbed a hand over his head, inhaling deeply. “It also means that we can survive something that can kill a human. The healing kicks in instantly and it works fast. That doesn’t mean we can’t die. It just means we don’t die as easily.”
He finally slowed his pacing as silence rang through the room, but he couldn’t look at her yet. Looking down at the carpet, he concentrated on his breathing, trying to work through the panic clawing at his chest.
The bed rustled as she stood but he kept his eyes down as her bare feet came into his line of sight. Her toes were painted a shiny apple red, and he wondered how he hadn’t noticed that earlier.
They were stupid thoughts, but they were all he could manage in that moment.
“Oh, Noah. Is that where all your guilt is coming from? Because you’re a shifter who survived the bomb, and Brandon was a human who didn’t?”
Her voice was soft and soothing, and his brow furrowed as he looked up at her. Her beautiful eyes, with the light blue near the pupil that darkened as it got closer to the rim, were soft as she gazed at him.
She wasn’t angry or hurt. She was worried. About him.
“You’re not mad?”
“Why would I be mad at you? Because you walked away and he didn’t?”
“Well… yeah.”
Sighing, she took his hands in hers and squeezed. “We h
aven’t talked about this, so I could be wrong, but I’m guessing you were born this way?” She paused and he nodded in agreement. “Noah, you can’t help how you were born, no more than Brandon could. No more than any of us can. Knowing why you were able to survive doesn’t make any difference in the long run for me, and I’m sure Brandon would agree. I just wish you could see that, too.”
He swallowed hard, glancing down for a moment before locking eyes with her again. “I should have died, Lily. I would have, if I’d been human. Instead, I lived, and I’d promised myself I’d get Brandon home to you in one piece. The most important promise in my life, and I broke it.”
Her gorgeous blue eyes slowly filled with tears. “Noah, it wasn’t your fault. I appreciate the promise you made to yourself, and it means the world to me. But it was war. That kind of stuff happened far more than anyone liked, but we all knew the risks. You and Brandon knew when you joined the Marines, and I knew when I married him, knowing he was going to join.
“We knew, and we accepted. Some of us made it out and some didn’t. Some of us escaped without being scarred forever by the things we saw and did, and some didn’t. There’s no rhyme or reason for why some were okay but some weren’t, because war has no rhyme or reason. Not really. It wasn’t your fault.”
His throat tightened with emotion, and he squeezed her hands. A tear slipped down her cheek, and he let go of her hand so he could brush it away. His lion wasn’t speaking, but Noah could feel his emotions surge and knew the sight of it gutted him, too.
“I didn’t mean to make you cry,” he whispered, his throat still too tight to speak.
She smiled shakily. “Don’t go taking that on yourself, too. You take so much on, and most of it isn’t even really your fault. Let me ask you this. If the situation was reversed, and Brandon had been the shifter and you died, would you resent him?”
“Of course not. I’d want him to live, no matter what happened to me.”
She smiled with satisfaction. “Exactly.”
The corner of his mouth lifted into a half-smile as he cupped her cheek. “Well, I might resent him a little, because if the situation was reversed, that means I had you first. And I’d be jealous as hell that he got to keep you.”
Her eyebrow lifted. “Keep me, huh?”
He paused, realizing what he said. Shit, that was too fast. She didn’t know about mates yet, and she hadn’t agreed to be with him beyond the trip they were on, let alone forever.