Memories rushed through me—her smile, her laughter, her gentle words at night when I’d had a nightmare. Making dumb jokes with me; holding baby Amelia with so much love, she was glowing with it… I let it all out, an inhuman cry that made me more human than I’d been in a long time. Then I dropped to my knees in the sand and sobbed. Huge, wracking sobs that bent me in half.
For a few moments, I was alone on that beach, and then I felt his arms around me. Holden knelt in the sand and held me just when I thought I was about to break apart. I gripped his jacket and clung to him even as more sobs poured out of me. He said nothing. Just let me be.
Finally, the sobs tapered off leaving me drained and exhausted. I took heaving, hiccupping breaths over and over until the calm, like a tide, came in to fill the emptiness.
Holden’s arms around me tightened. He inhaled a breath, then let it out.
“I love you.”
The wind took the words and ran away with them. I wondered if I’d heard him right. I raised my head. “What…?”
“I love you,” Holden said. “I’m in love with you, River.”
His green eyes were clear, and the usual caustic tint in his voice was gone, leaving his words raw and naked.
“I could’ve told you a thousand times over the years, but I thought it wouldn’t have meant anything coming from someone like me. Someone fucked up and broken. Alaska taught me that, and it’s taken me a long time to unlearn it. I still am.” He shook his head, tears brimming in his green eyes, turning them liquid. “I’m sorry for every single ounce of pain I’ve ever caused you, River. But I love you and if you give me a chance, I’ll make up all those years. Every second.” He swallowed. “Or…if you want me to go, I’ll go. If it’s too late—”
“It’s not too late,” I said, holding him tighter “I love you, too. Christ, I’m so in love with you, I don’t know how I made it through all the days until this one.”
“I’m sorry,” he whispered, bringing his mouth to mine and kissing me softly. “I’m so sorry. But I needed the time to make myself good for you, beca
use you’re so good, River. The best of us. You deserve the best I can give you.”
“I don’t give a shit about what I deserve,” I said, roughly gripping him around the collar, my hands cupping his jaw. “I just want you. I love you. I love you so much…”
Words dissolved as we kissed, deep and perfect. Pure. Kisses that bonded us with unspoken promises. We fell back in the sand doing nothing but holding each other and kissing. Reconnecting and reacquainting. Remembering his mouth, the taste of him…his body that felt stronger. He was stronger. I felt the vitality of him thrumming under my hands.
We sat for a long time, until the sun began to set, taking the heat with it. Then we got up and headed back, Holden taking a last look at the Shack.
“It’s a good place,” I said.
He smiled wistfully. “We’ll be back here someday. All of us.”
We made the journey to the car in silence, just content being in each other’s presence. James drove us to my place.
“It’s not much,” I told Holden, unlocking the front door. “Not what you’re used to.”
He glanced around the place, hands in his pockets, a very Holden-esque look on his face.
“It looks un-lived in.”
“Pretty much. I don’t really live here.”
“But do you have a bed? That’s the question.”
I chuckled. “Yeah, I have a bed.”
“I can work with that.”
Holden took hold of my hand and poked his way nosily through my place until we got to the bedroom.
“Strip,” he ordered.
“Holden…”
He waved his hand. “Despite the raging urge to attack you where you stand, I’m going to behave myself. You need to sleep. You look dead on your feet.”
He was right. It was early in the evening, but I could hardly keep my eyes open. Having him here was too good. Like a dream. I was going to wake up any second and be alone in this empty apartment again, lying in an empty bed.