Wake up and tell me to stay…
That was cheating, to ask anything of him.
So was telling him I loved him.
I shouldn’t have said it, but he’d probably been asleep anyway. It didn’t count. I’d leave without him ever hearing those words and he’d forget me faster. River was the strongest person I knew. He was going to survive his mother’s death; he sure as hell could survive me.
I nearly bent to kiss him goodbye but that would be cheating too.
I took the stairs down to the front door. The house was silent and heavy with grief that hung in the air like vapor. It had been easy to break in yesterday during the family gathering.
No one paid any attention to another mourner dressed in black.
No one noticed when I slipped out, shutting the door quietly behind me.
I walked home under a gray sky; an early morning walk-of-shame without the shame. Only a howling pain I pushed down. One that the voices in my head told me I deserved.
The big house was dark as I snuck into the guesthouse, moving quietly so as not to wake anyone. My bags were already packed, my trunk of journals already on its way to Bernie’s office in Paris until I had a place to crash.
My letter to Aunt Mags and Uncle Reg was written, thanking them for their hospitality and expressing my hope that I hadn’t been too much of a burden. The letter felt too light in my hand. Not enough. But they were getting their guesthouse back and were no longer shackled to Santa Cruz. They were free too.
I took a shower, washing River’s scents and cells off of me until there was nothing left, then dressed in slacks, a black turtleneck to conceal the bitemarks on my neck, and my long gray tweed coat.
The clock said I had twenty minutes before James arrived to take me to the airport for our last ride.
I sat down at my empty desk with pen and paper and wrote one final letter, sealing it just as James pulled up to the curb. I set both letters side by side on the desk, grabbed my rolling suitcases, and went out without looking back.
James hurried to meet me, helping me with my bags. He stowed them while I climbed in the back seat, my eyes on the big house. Like asking River to wake, I willed the back door to open, to see Mags and Reg come down the walk, waving and smiling their friendly smiles…
“Anything else, sir?” James asked, his gaze meeting mine in the rearview. “Anything left to do?”
“No,” I said. “There’s nothing left.”
Dear Beatriz,
I’m writing this in Portuguese because it’s only for you. If Mags or Reg read this, they’d think I’d been kidnapped by someone soft and sweet, and this was their ransom note.
Thank you, Beatriz. For pipoca. For peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. For asking “What is going to happen next?” at every movie we watched on Movie Nights. I liked our Movie Nights. I liked that it felt like you knew everything about me, and I didn’t have to say a word. Or explain. Or apologize.
Thank you for that.
And don’t worry about me. I don’t know what’s going to happen next; we’ll both just have to wait and see.
I will always be thinking of you and will try my best to behave.
But no promises.
With love,
Your Holden
Part V
Chapter Twenty-Six
One year later…
“That should do it,” I said, letting the hood of the ’67 Chevy Impala slam shut. “Give her a try, Julio.”