“There are millions of people better than me.”
“No. There aren’t.”
The clouds parted. Not the actual clouds in the sky; the clouds in my mind. The way Jude looked at me reminded me of the way he’d looked at me on our wedding day. Intense, focused. Closing my eyes, I took myself back to that day, when we stood up in front of everyone we loved and promised to be together forever. Jude’s eyes shone with pride and I didn’t think I could love him any more than I did when we kissed for the first time as husband and wife.
When he leaned over and brushed my lips with his, he proved me wrong.
“I love you,” he said. “Whatever it takes to fix the things we messed up, I’ll do. Just tell me what you need.”
A rush of emotion washed over me, filling every part of me with warmth because I was the one who messed up yet he was still willing to change anything I asked.
How could I ever have thought I wanted or needed anything different?
“I have everything I need right here.”
We still had work to do to put us back on track, and that was okay with me. The most important thing was knowing we were both ready to try.
Chapter 13 – He’ll Never Really Be Gone
The following days passed by in a blur of nightmares and tears. Since Will died, I’d woken up every night screaming after the same painful dreams tormented me. I tried everything I could think of to make it stop; mostly taking time out with Jude to talk and figure out why those thoughts wouldn’t leave me. The big problem I had was that deep inside me, I believed what my dreams told me. It took Will’s death to trigger all the things I’d forgotten, and while I refused to let those dreams take over everything, I wouldn’t let them lurk in my mind any longer. I’d joked about needing therapy but after four days of waking up drenched in sweat and sobbing, the time for jokes was over. Jude and I found a therapist in the city, and I booked an appointment right away.
Grief became the norm for everyone at Westberg leading up to Will’s funeral. Freya’s closest friends and teammates stopped by her apartment, taking turns to make absolutely certain she was never left alone. She hadn’t spent a night on her own because her mom and sister had practically moved in. I couldn’t tell whether Freya was relieved not to be on her own, or craving some time alone to breathe. She’d still barely spoken to anyone. Leah hadn’t been able to get her to open up much more than she did the first day we saw her. She kept busy, helping with the funeral arrangements and steering every conversation away from anything to do with emotions. Her strength amazed me, but the crash was coming. She couldn’t run from it forever, and waiting for it to happen kept me on edge.
The day of Will’s funeral rolled around way too quickly. In some ways it was a relief. The lead-up to a funeral makes everyone antsy. So much to do, so much to organise before the last goodbyes. The day of the funeral brought a sense of finality to a week of extreme emotions. I was ready to say goodbye to Will, but afraid this would be the day Freya would crack, and nervous about attending the first funeral I’d been to since my mom’s. Every day it got closer my anxiety got worse, and so did my nightmares. I was concerned for Jude, too. He didn’t say so, but he was struggling. He’d gone quiet again, and while he answered me when I spoke to him, I knew he wasn’t quite with me.
“Are you okay?” I asked him, straightening his tie in our bedroom as the clock ticked closer to the time we had to head to the church.
Jude gave a small nod, resting his hands on my waist. “I just want today to be over.”
“Me too.”
“How are you holding up?”
“So far, so good. I don’t think I’ll know until we get there. This will be the first time we’ve all been together without Will around.”
“I never thought of it that way. Mostly I’ve been thinking about how I’m going to stay strong for you, and for Freya. And everyone.”
Reaching up, I put my hands around the back of his neck, gently forcing him to look at me. “Today is the day you don’t have to be strong for anyone. We’ll all be there, the whole team, and we all feel the same way. At the funeral you do whatever you need to do. You’ve been amazing this week. Now you can let yourself be a little selfish.”
Jude wrapped me up in his arms and gave me a long, slow kiss that warmed me from the top of my head to the tips of my toes. I needed it, needed to be as close to him as possible. I didn’t want to waste another second with him and I hadn’t since my first nightmare.
“Same goes for you, you know? Jude said. “You’ve done everything you can for Freya. You’re allowed to let go today, too.”
“I will.”
Jude took a small step away from me, checking his appearance in the mirror and smoothing down his jacket. “Are you ready?”
I nodded, letting out a sigh because I’d never be ready. “Let’s go.”
The local churchyard was already swarming with mourners when Jude and I arrived. A sea of black greeted us and I held Jude’s hand tighter as panic gripped me. My breath quickened and my palms began to sweat as I slipped back into my teenage self for a second, and saw all those sad, pitying eyes looking at me. I wanted to run away, as far from the church as possible so I didn’t have to be reminded of the things that kept waking me up every night.
No. Save it for therapy. This is for Will.
I blinked a few times, bringing myself back into the present where Will’s friends and family were gathered, talking in hushed tones waiting for Freya to arrive. The sombre almost-silence sent another chill through me but I pushed through it, focusing hard on Jude and looking around for Leah and Radleigh. It was difficult to spot anyone amongst the crowds of people. I knew Will had a large family, but there were also soccer players and coaches who had flown in from other teams waiting for a chance to say goodbye. I recognised one or two of them from the times I’d been on the road with the Warriors, and seeing them in L.A to support the guys warmed my heart.
“Honey, will you be okay for a second while I got talk to Richard?”
I swallowed the lump in my throat and nodded. “Sure. I’ll keep looking for Leah.”