“I do, but… maybe we should wait until the morning.”
He pushed my hair out of my face then gently rested his hand on the back of my neck. “If you need me now, talk to me now.”
“I need you now.”
Jude gave me a small, encouraging smile, and I explained what I saw in my nightmare. I had to keep my eyes wide open for fear if I closed them, I’d see them again. Mom, Will, Taylor, all laughing at me, reminding me of the worst parts of myself. When I’d finished, Jude pressed his lips against my forehead.
“Honey, you know those things aren’t true, right?”
I shrugged. “I’ve been a bitch. Maybe it’s all true.”
“No. You’ve just got a lot of things going through your mind right now. Will… it was bound to make you remember things you’d rather forget. You haven’t talked about your parents in a long time.”
A slight tension crept through the room as our conversation from earlier made an unspoken appearance. Apparently, family was the theme of the day.
“I haven’t thought about them in a long time. I mean, I think about them every day but I don’t let it take over the way I used to.”
“Your dad wasn’t in your dream.”
I took a moment to think about that. Since every other person I knew who had died was there, why hadn’t he made an appearance?
“I know why,” I said. “Dad knew he was dying and he made peace with it. When he died, he was ready to go. Mom wasn’t happy, she didn’t want to be here anymore. Will shouldn’t have died. He wasn’t sick, and he wasn’t old. And Taylor wasn’t either. She was a cold-hearted witch but she didn’t deserve to die. Maybe that’s what’s different. Dad wasn’t angry with me when he died.”
The ache that had settled inside me earlier resurfaced and I let my head fall back onto Jude’s shoulder while I took some deep breaths, hoping to get the pain under control.
“I can’t speak for your mom, or Will and Taylor, but from everything you’ve always told me about your mom, she loved you a lot. She had no reason to be angry with you.”
“Maybe not in reality. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I always thought she would have preferred if I was the one who’d died.”
How had I never said that out loud before? I knew she loved me; never had a single doubt. But when she never found a way to be happy again after my dad died, I’d told myself she would have given me up if she could get him back. It wasn’t something I’d been aware
of, not really. A nagging thought tucked away in the depths of my brain. Was my endless cheerfulness a mask to hide my doubts? Or was I just tired, overemotional and confused?
“Do you think I need therapy? Not retail,” I added, quickly, making Jude chuckle. “Actual therapy.”
Instead of answering right away, he let go of me for a moment then lifted the bed covers and climbed in beside me. He pulled me right back into his arms, and I breathed him in as I snuggled against him. So familiar. So right.
“I think you need to talk about some things,” Jude said, his hand trailing up and down my back. “You might have some feelings from a long time ago you need to deal with. I’m here for you, but if you want to talk to a counsellor or something, that’s okay. It’s up to you.”
“What about us, Jude? Are we going to be okay?”
I was a little afraid of what I’d see when I looked up at him, but I had to know. Had to see the truth. His eyes were soft. Vulnerable.
“I haven’t slept yet. I’ve been thinking about what you said, and what you did. I can’t say it’s easy for me to think about you having feelings for someone else. Even if they didn’t last for long. I’ve always been a little afraid of losing you, and-”
“Wait. You were scared of losing me? Why?”
I didn’t mean to interrupt, but his revelation triggered the ‘on’ switch in my head.
Jude’s eyes narrowed a little. “What do you mean, ‘why’?”
“We met in a parking lot. While I was trying to steal your car.”
“You weren’t trying to steal my car. You were being attacked for refusing to steal my car. And what’s your point?”
“You don’t think you could do better than me?”
Jude shook his head, his face serious. “You’re my wife. There’s nobody better than you.”