Page after page chronicled how she schemed and plotted to take Radleigh down. Even though she didn’t do exactly as she intended, she still triggered a chain of events that caused pain to a lot of people. Most interestingly, Jesse didn’t get a single mention on those pages even though she’d paraded around with him as if she loved him.
My insides burned. I’d hoped I might find a hint she wasn’t as bad as I thought. Why else would Taylor’s mom have wanted Jesse to have her journal? Why would she think he’d want to confirm he dated a psycho?
Spurred on, desperate to find something to prove me right, I turned over more pages, scanning for Jesse’s name.
Almost at the end of the journal I found what I’d been searching for.
I went to see Bree today. We went to Genie’s and she told me some stuff about her marriage going down the crapper and that she has feelings for JESSE!!!! MY Jesse!! That is like, the stupidest thing I ever heard. I thought she was into older guys like her ancient husband. Now she’s decided to go from grave-robbing to cradle-snatching. So I did something real bitchy. I told her to go for it. I mean, if she’s so ungrateful for her huge house and all those clothes and shoes, and the cool places she gets to go with the team, she doesn’t deserve any of it. Jesse will NEVER go for her, not because she’s not freaking perfect because she is, but because he has a new girlfriend. He’s loyal. Bree will fall flat on her face. She’ll lose Jesse, and she’ll lose Jude because she won’t be able to figure out how to keep it all together. She needs my influence. Without me, she’s just a Barbie doll. All boobs and no brain. If anyone could lure him away from that British girl, it’s me. He used to be in love with me, and maybe if I do this right, I can get him to remember. Get him to love me again. I need to stay close so he doesn’t forget me. If I keep working on Kayla I think I can get her to help me.
Let me tell you a little secret. I actually always liked Bree. She and Jesse were the only two people who made me feel welcome amongst all those superior, snooty soccer players, and wives and girlfriends. But Bree is not the smartest person in the world. I can understand why she’d fall for Jesse. Who wouldn’t? He’s so sweet and hot, and he’s an amazing kisser – not that she’ll ever find out. She has a husband, though. He may be old but Jude’s pretty cute, I guess. And rich. And she wants to throw it away because of some dumb thing she wants to do that Jude won’t let her.
Well, who am I to stop her? If she wants to dig herself into a hole, I’ve handed her the shovel.
Wow. So it wasn’t exactly what I was looking for. I could have lived without her attacking me – again. Her thoughts about Jesse weren’t even that complimentary, and certainly not worth Taylor’s mom giving him the journal to read. Unless I’d missed it in the pages I skipped. Even if I had, I didn’t care to read anymore.
And she wants to throw it away because of some dumb thing she wants to do that Jude won’t let her.
Those words were my biggest fear. That everyone would view me the same way Taylor did. Spoiled and bratty.
Jesse didn’t see me that way. I didn’t give any of my other friends a chance to form an opinion.
Some dumb thing.
How come it seemed like forever ago the most important thing to me was training to become a make-up artist? With Will gone it seemed dumb in comparison.
I snapped the book shut and closed my eyes, trying to keep the tears firmly behind my eyelids. They stung, demanding release. Without finishing my coffee I picked up the journal and ran out of the café, back onto the beach. My feet pounded on the sand, running harder and harder, heart thumping out of my chest, lungs burning until I tripped and crashed to the ground. Taylor’s journal flew out of my hands. Shuffling forwards, I grabbed it then stood and continued running, this time towards the water.
Tears streamed down my face as I opened the book and tore at the pages, ripping them out then casting Ta
ylor’s poison into the ocean. Page after page got tossed around in the waves, the ink running, turning every nasty, bitter word into nothing more than a blur. When the last pages had gone, I lifted my arm up and back and cast the empty shell of the journal into the sea before falling to my knees. The pain I hadn’t been able to feel when I first heard Will was dead poured out of me. And not only grief for him, grief for Freya and everyone on the team who had lost a friend and a colleague. Grief for Taylor because nobody deserves to die so young.
Grief for myself.
I saw it, over and over again. Dad dying. Mom dead. Nightmares. Me screaming.
Once I got carted off to my first foster home, I’d shut out the memories of my real family as best as I could. I remained sunny, positive and upbeat. Too bad my first foster family were assholes who preferred me to stay in my room “out of the way”. I never forgot my parents, of course. I couldn’t, they visited me in nightmares nearly every night for more than a year. And even though they became less over time, they didn’t stop completely until… Jude.
Jude was my person. My safe place. My family.
He built a new family for me and for the first time in years I wasn’t afraid to love them because I wouldn’t be staying for long, or because I knew they didn’t really want me. The family Jude gave me was solid.
Why did it take the death of a friend and the vile ramblings of a crazy teenager to make me realise what was important? I’d have found my way eventually. I’d just got lost in my own head, and in my own concerns about how life should be.
I waited for my sobs to ease then stood, wiping my eyes with the back of my hand. I wasn’t done processing, not even close. I’d made a small start and I didn’t feel like a heartless zombie anymore so I chalked it up as a win.
“Bree.”
At first I thought I’d imagined Jude’s voice over the sound of the waves that had me mesmerised. His hand on my shoulder told me otherwise.
“It’s funny, isn’t it?” I said. “On TV and in the movies, everyone always goes to the beach when they want to think.”
Gently massaging my shoulders, Jude said, “I guess. Never thought about it, I just knew this is where you would be.”
“You know me too well.”
“Yeah. I do.”
I slowly turned to face him, the ocean breeze whipping my hair around my face. Jude tucked the flyaway strands behind my ear and smiled sadly.