Jesse pulled me into him for another hug, and I rested my head on his shoulder. I needed him. His comfort. His warmth. Jesse “got” me in a way Jude never had. Perhaps that was the real drawback of an age gap. Jesse and I came from the same place – grew up with the same things.
“I think you should talk to Jude,” Jesse said. “Go back to him with a plan of what you want to do. If you show him you’ve really thought about this work thing, he’ll listen.”
“What if he doesn’t?”
“Bree, he loves you. Remember your birthday party? Months before, he started bugging the hell out of the guys in the locker room, boring them with the problems he had finding pink decorations. Pink decorations he knew you’d love. He’d do anything for you. All you gotta do is show him this make-up thing is important to you.” He raised my head from his shoulder, and looked into my eyes. “How could he resist, huh? You can do whatever you set your mind to. Go for it.”
Jesse’s words helped in ways I couldn’t explain. Why didn’t Jude listen to me that way? Jesse hadn’t thought twice about listening to what I had to say, while Jude threw questions at me, making me doubt myself.
You’re being unfair. Jesse’s right. Jude does love you and he would do anything for you.
So why couldn’t I forget the feeling of safety I had when Jesse hugged me? It didn’t feel unsafe with Jude, but I got a different kind of security with Jesse. A security that came from being around someone who heard me.
At home on my bed while Jude worked out in our home gym, I asked myself a question I hadn’t asked in a long time.
Do I really love Jude? Or am I with him because I think I owe him for saving my life?
I’d asked myself the question before our first date. Back then the answer was quick. Easy. I’d fallen head over heels for him, not because he saved me, because he allowed me space without isolating me. Because he made me laugh. Because his smile gave me tingles, and I missed him so much whenever he went away.
And now?
Why wouldn’t the answer come so easily? Probably because for the last few months I’d felt like I was watching the world live while I waited. Waited for something amazing to happen. A sub, stuck on the sidelines, waiting for my big chance on the pitch to show everyone what I could do.
God. People aren’t supposed to have mid-life crises at twenty-one.
Not so long ago I’d thought Jude was everything to me. I’d started to see that, if I wanted to feel like myself again, I couldn’t live that way. I needed something of my own, outside of him. If he one day decided he was through with me, what would I do? Sure, I had friends now but most of them were his friends first.
I closed my eyes, picturing my wedding day. I’d never been happier than when we stood up in front of our friends and Jude’s family and told everyone we would be together forever. I lived a fairy tale life, and Jude… Jude was still my Prince Charming. I just needed him to listen.
Chapter 5 – The Age Of Curiousness
I took Jesse’s advice as soon as I woke up and had breakfast on Monday morning. I pulled up the websites I’d bookmarked with the courses I liked the look of.
“You’re not giving this up, huh?” Jude asked from behind me.
I kept my gaze focused on the screen. Annoyance rose inside me at his tone. Slightly pissed off like I was, I don’t know, trying to buy more shoes. Actually, no. He didn’t mind the shoes. Or the clothes. So why did he mind me wanting to earn the money to buy my own?
It had been so much easier telling Jesse my plans and he hadn’t gotten huffy over it.
Jesse’s not your husband.
I blinked a few times. I didn’t want Jesse to be my husband; I had a husband, and Jesse had an Isabelle. What I wanted was for Jude to be as laid back as Jesse.
Everything had jumbled up inside my head. My wants, needs. I had other friends, of course, but Jesse felt like the only constant in my life. The only person never too busy to listen no matter how ridiculous I sounded.
“I’m only looking around. But no, I’m not giving up. I can do this.”
“Give me three reasons why you want to.”
“Really?” I spun the chair around so I faced him. “I need to justify this to you?”
“All you’ve given me so far is that Leah suggested it.”
His eyes focus
ed on mine and he stared at me like I’d been hypnotised and he was trying to find the real me behind the spell Leah had so obviously cast over me. We’d been together for years; he hadn’t noticed my love of make-up?
“Get over that already. I never ate sushi until you suggested it. Now it’s one of my favourite things. I guess that’s okay since you recommended it.”