I smiled up at her, and I could have stayed there forever, but I didn’t want to press my luck. Pressing my lips one last time to her skin, I stayed close and whispered, “I love you.” Because I did. So much, I ached in every bone in my body for this baby I hadn’t even met yet. But I knew I’d die loving he or she more than anything I’d ever loved.
After a moment of silence, Carina asked, “You played baseball?”
“Yeah. All through college.”
“Why didn’t you go pro?”
I shrugged. “Lots of reasons. Honestly, I just wanted a scholarship so I could get through college without asking my parents for a thing.”
Carina’s brow furrowed and her lips parted. I knew a question was coming because even I could hear the bitterness coloring my tone. But before she could get a word out, the door opened again with a plump woman backing in, dragging a machine behind her.
“All right. Let’s get this party started,” she said.
She was efficient, and before I knew it, the screen filled with the profile of my son or daughter, a thumb firmly planted in their mouth. The tech used her mouse to point out different body parts and did plenty of screenshots of tiny feet and tiny fists and tiny everything for us to take home.
Fire burned at the back of my throat, but I was holding it together. At least, until she switched it over to the 4D ultrasound. The grainy black and white image shifted to a sepia color of blurs. She moved it this way and that, trying to avoid showing us the gender, until finally, the tiniest, most beautiful face appeared.
Tears slipped down my cheeks, and I didn’t even care to wipe them away. Carina’s soft hand slipped in mine, holding me tight. I looked to her with my jaw dropped and didn’t have to say anything. She just nodded and squeezed tighter. Not wanting to miss a moment, I turned back to the screen to take in the little nose and tiny mouth.
When the monitor was shut off, and a handful of pictures were given to me, I’d finally pulled myself together.
I waited outside, flipping through the printouts, unable to believe it. I’d been telling myself I was going to be a father over and over again but seeing is believing.
Along with the beautiful reality came a wave of panic. My chest squeezed, and my head swam. Oh, shit. I was going to be a father. I was going to be in charge of this tiny perfect thing. Me.
I was going to fuck it up—ruin it all.
I struggled to pull deep breaths in through my nose, but I did it because Carina was about to step outside, and I didn’t want her to find me in a full-blown panic attack.
We made it all the way past check out before she finally asked. “You okay?”
“More than okay.” It was true because the love I had for our baby far outweighed the fear, and I decided to focus on that. “You want to get some lunch?”
“Sure.”
“How about Mexican?”
“Blech. I want a burger.”
“How many burgers have you had this week?” I asked playfully only to get a glare in return.
“Listen to me, Ian. We’re getting burgers, and that’s that.”
I shook my head and laughed. “You’re still a crazy woman.”
She swatted me but laughed too, and the last of the panic slipped away because, for the first time since meeting Carina again, I felt like we were officially in this together.
10 Carina
Friday.
Ian: Show me our baby.
Carina: What?
Ian: Show me that beautiful belly.
Carina: OMG! Ian!
Ian: … waiting.
Ian: Damn, woman. Our baby is lookin’ good.
Saturday.
Ian: Can we talk so I can talk to Peanut?
Carina: In a minute. I’m eating.
Ian: It’s a cheeseburger, isn’t it?
Carina: Shut up.
Sunday.
Carina: Do you know that Big Burgers won’t deliver a burger to me! What is Uber Eats even good for?
Ian: Gasp.
Ian: Those bastards.
Carina: Right?!
Ian: Want me to bring you one?
Carina: No. I’m a mess today, and I want to continue being a mess.
Ian: Okaaaay.
Carina: Don’t judge me, Bergamo.
Carina: OMG! You brought me a burger. AND FRIES! I’m so happy!
Ian: It wasn’t me. Must have been the burger fairy.
Carina: Well, I’m eternally grateful. So is Peanut.
Ian: Eternity is a long time. I could come up with a lot of stuff for you to show your gratitude for an eternity.
Carina: I’m not even going to respond to that. I’m going to eat my burger.
Monday.
Ian: Cheeseburger for lunch?
Carina: No. :(
Carina: I’m having a salad from home. I need to cleanse my body from the grease.
Ian: Let me know if you change your mind.
Wednesday.
Carina: I just got to work, and I already want a burger. It’s been a long two days.
Ian: Your abstinence is admirable.
Carina: It is. I deserve a reward.
Carina: I’ll add a chocolate shake today.