Realizing she was waiting for an answer, he cleared his throat. “That was kind of you.”
“Not really.” She looked uncertain. “It’s probably driven by a selfish need to feel competent at something I’m doing. That certainly isn’t child rearing. I need a crash course.”
Her insecurity tugged at him. He remembered feeling the same way a million times.
“Anyone who feels competent at child rearing is deluding themselves. If it’s going well, then you’d better realize it could change at any time. Just when you think you’ve got something nailed, they hit another phase, and suddenly you have no idea what you’re doing.”
“Was that how it was with Rachel?” Her earnest gaze made him slide deeper into the hole he’d dug for himself.
“Yeah. Losing my parents coincided with a difficult phase, so we never knew whether she was exhibiting grief or whether it was just normal behavior. We stumbled through it, making it up as we went along.”
“I’m worried my lack of skills might be psychologically damaging.”
He was pretty sure that being the child of Lana Fox would have done far more damage psychologically, but he kept that thought to himself. “I’m sure you’re doing just fine.”
“I ordered a ton of books, but so far I haven’t had time to read them.”
He could imagine her, focused on the internet, reading all the back cover copy in an attempt to decide which book would guarantee a safe future for Lizzy. “Parents never do. They’re too busy being parents. And I’m not sure what books can teach you that your instincts can’t.”
“I’m not sure I have the right instincts.” Her eyes were wide with uncertainty. “I know I don’t have the right feelings for her, but I can protect her. That’s my job. I’m trying to learn what she needs.”
He wondered why she didn’t recognize the feelings that were so obviously spilling over inside her. She had so much love to give it was like watching a balloon ready to burst.
Yet another reason to keep his distance.
“What she needs,” he said slowly, “is to have some fun and lead a normal life with you in the background to guide her. Let her do the things other kids her age are doing.”
A dimple appeared in the corner of her mouth. “You’re saying that because you want to recruit people for your lobster bake.”
He suddenly realized how much harder the evening would be if she turned up to the lobster bake. “You’re right. Forget it. I know a party on a beach would be your idea of a nightmare. You should stay away.”
*
“WE ARE GOING to the lobster bake.”
Skylar glanced up from the beads she was threading with Lizzy. “Are you serious?”
“Yes.” Determined to do this before she could change her mind, Emily grabbed a large beach bag and started stuffing things inside. She had no idea what was needed for a trip to the beach, so she improvised, ignoring the part of her brain that told her she should be packing resuscitation equipment. “Get changed. Pack a sweater.”
“We’re going to the beach?” Lizzy erupted with excitement. “Can I take my bucket?”
Emily felt her stomach roll, but she reached for the bucket and stuffed it into the bag before she could think of all the reasons not to. “It’s in. Anything else? Don’t forget Andrew.”
Skylar’s eyebrows rose as Lizzy went running from the room. “Who is Andrew? Please, tell me he’s some hot guy you have chained in your wardrobe for your nighttime pleasure.”
“Andrew is the bear. He has to come everywhere.” Some things she was learning.
“I don’t know whether to be impressed or disappointed.” Her friend sat back in the chair. “You are a different person.”
“I learn from my mistakes. I only forget a bear once.”
“I was talking about the beach.”
“Oh.”
“What changed your mind?”
“I realized that I have a responsibility to teach her to be safe around water, and avoiding it isn’t going to achieve that.” Emily added a pretty beach towel to the bag. “If I’m not careful, I’ll make her scared and I don’t want that.”