“I do,” I laugh. He’s been trying to convince me to sleep naked since our trip to Oklahoma. “You drive Erinn home, and I’ll figure somethin’ out for dinner.”
After Battle leaves, I order pizza, feed Roy, and take a shower. I search his drawers for a clean t-shirt and slip one over my head. It smells like him. I lift the collar, inhaling through my nose. His scent flames my desire. For I moment, I consider pleasing myself to tamp it down, but I’m too nervous he’ll come home and catch me.
His plain black shirt drowns me. I look like I’m wearing a garbage bag, although Battle never seems to care what I wear. He’s always complimentary. Plenty of compliments, but we’re still lacking in the physical contact. The more I try not to let it bother me, the more it does.
I wonder if tonight he’ll finally try something more than a peck on the cheek. If I was more assertive, I’d resort to stripping naked and beg him to take me. My internal thoughts scream how much they like that idea, but I have a better plan. I search Erinn’s game cabinet and pull a set of dice out of the Yahtzee box.
A little game of truth when Battle gets home should lead to answers.
I hang out on his couch, waiting for him. When he returns, there’s an edginess to his attitude. I feel it when he curls up next to me. His quick breaths, the way he holds me tight, and the faint shaking of his shoulders signal how hard it is for him watching Evelyn slip away. The fear lingering in the back of his mind always shoots forward when he sees her. I struggle with what to expect when she does go. He’ll have to raise Erinn, and with riding, I don’t know how he’ll manage everything without letting the pressure topple him. Death is one of those horrific things in life no one wants to talk about until it happens.
“You can talk to me,” I say quietly, inching my hand into his. “I know you’re scared.”
He pulls his hand away. “I don’t wanna talk about it.”
“That’s exactly why you should.”
“There’s nothing to fuckin’ talk about!” I flinch and the coldness of his words. He slides away from me. “She’s dyin’ and there’s nothin’ I can do to stop it. Talkin’ about it won’t change that.”
“You’re right, talkin’ won’t save her, but it might save you.”
He stands, holding his hands
above his head as he inhales deep. An awkward smile curves his mouth before he says, “I beyond savin’, sweetheart.”
My mouth opens, but he leaves before I have a chance to argue. No one is denied redemption, unless they refuse it, which is exactly what he’s doing. Why, though? The only way to get answers is to chip away at his armor until he’s willing to talk. Judging by tonight’s conversation that may be a while. I won’t give though. He’s worth the fight.
Battle returns a little while later freshly showered. I’m overcome with nerves as he approaches me. To my surprise, he hauls me into his arms, his damp hair wetting my cheek. “I’m sorry,” he says, leaning back to look at me. “I shouldn’t have yelled at you, and I know I should talk about my mom, but—”
“You’re not ready.” He frowns and shakes his head. “Then know that I’ll be here when you are.”
“Thank you.”
A smile reappears on his face as we sit and eat pizza. I’m relieved the moment is behind us. Although I know the worry remains, the weight of his problems aren’t affecting his mood any longer.
After dinner, I join Battle on the couch and hold up the dice. “You wanna play dice, cowboy?”
He grins. “What are you up to?”
“There’s a few things I want to know, and I thought I’d make it fun.”
Dice with Battle is always fun. More than a game though, dice strips some of his barriers, always providing me with pieces of his life he otherwise wouldn’t talk about. Dice has become a game of trust as we’re always honest when we play.
He takes the dice and rolls them on the coffee table. They land on seven. I roll a six.
“No lyin’?” he says as a question.
I hold up my right hand. “Straight truth.”
“Truth … Did watchin’ Erinn freak you out?”
There’s significant worry in his question—for me and for Erinn. It’s unnecessary.
“When we first got to the car, she was upset. She kept rockin’ in the seat, hummin’, and for a moment, it did freak me out. But then I realized how much I relate to her, and it was easy after that. I let her be her brilliant self, and I enjoyed every minute of her. I’d watch her again without hesitation.”
“Thank you. I’m glad she has you.”
I hear the underlying meaning in his words. We’ve talked before about Erinn and his worries about a female influence in her life after his mother passes.