Sin’s words flash to my mind, telling me breath play isn’t safe during pregnancy. It makes sense, but I’m not sure Rafe knows that. Now seems like both the right time and the worst possible time to mention it.
“Neither have I,” he says casually, like we’re two assholes accomplished at lying to one another. “But I’m much better at skirting that line than you are, kitten. See, I would never come home with lipstick rings around my dick because I have more respect for you than that. We’ll chalk it up to your inexperience, say you do respect me, you just suck at covering your tracks because you haven’t done much sketchy shit in your time, but allow me to critique your performance. Next time he gives you a hickey, make sure you put on some fucking concealer before you climb into my bed.”
Now fear leaps up within me, because I know exactly what he’s talking about. I didn’t catch it until I got home from lunch with Lydia, but when I got out of the shower, I realized Sin left a mark on my neck. I realize now, looking up at the controlled anger in Rafe’s eyes, I have to lie. I don’t like to lie, I’m not good at it, but I need to lie, and I need to be damn good at it.
“You think… you think I…?”
“Don’t play innocent, Laurel. Don’t insult me more than you already have. When you get caught, at least have the balls to own it, otherwise you’re just a fucking pussy.”
“Rafe, he didn’t—we didn’t… Nothing happened.”
His eyebrows rise at the gall of my lie, and my stomach pitches. “No? He didn’t come to my house the other night to see you when I wasn’t here?”
Narrowing my eyes at him with righteous indignation I certainly don’t feel, I say, “Yes, he came over. Because I was swimming in a pool of tears and baby vomit, and I needed someone to help me. I asked you first, and you said no thanks.”
Rafe frowns. “What are you talking about?”
Now it’s the right time, so I reach up and pull his hands away from my throat. “I was babysitting Skylar.”
“Yes, I know that. Am I supposed to believe she gave you a hickey?”
Inspired, I crack a smile and laugh. “She might have. She’s a baby. They suck on things when they’re hungry. Their fingers, their toes. She tried to nurse on my poor sore boobs. She might have nibbled on my neck, I don’t remember. I was too overwhelmed. I was desperate. Sin came over and helped me clean up the mess; he took care of Skylar so I could go upstairs and take a shower. That’s it. Then he left.”
Frowning as if this information makes no sense, he says, “He came over and did all that, and left without fucking you?”
I nod my head. “Sure did. I don’t know if you know this about Sin, but he’s a man with a lot of self-control. Even being the sexy siren covered in baby vomit that I was, he managed to resist me.”
Instead of taking my joke bait, his eyes narrow again. “Has he ever fucked you?”
Swallowing down the lump of unpleasantness suddenly in my throat, I shake my head. “No.”
He frowns, like I’ve just confounded him. “How is that possible?”
I shrug, at least sincerely in that. “I don’t know. He’s a mystery.” Seeing an opportunity to make Sin look good, I drop my gaze. “I think it had something to do with you. He said he didn’t feel badly about being with me after the way you treated me the night I told you I was pregnant, but I’m not sure it proved true. I think maybe his loyalty to you got in the way. He couldn’t be with me fully knowing you wanted me.”
Rafe looks at the wall as he weighs this information. “That could be true. Sin is loyal as hell. Or that was my belief, until I thought he fucked you behind my back.”
“He didn’t,” I offer quickly, shaking my head. “He really didn’t. I swear. I’d say you could ask Skylar, but… well, she can’t talk yet.”
Smiling faintly, he looks down at me and sighs. “I’m gonna have to embrace my crazier roots and get better security on my house.”
“Or you could just trust me,” I suggest, guilt piercing my soul even as I say it.
“Trust is for lovesick schoolgirls and mindless idiots, kitten. I’m neither.”
“That’s a sad thing to believe. I hope you don’t mean that.” I don’t want to be the reason he feels that way, either. I know I’m not the one who planted that seed, but I have probably watered it. I don’t know how to stop. If we were actually together, I would have to be faithful because I’m certainly no cheater; I wouldn’t hurt someone that way, but I don’t foresee a future where I can turn my feelings for Sin off, either. That means I can’t see a future where I ever fully commit to Rafe. I can keep fighting my feelings, but I’m not doing a great job so far, and why bother? Even when Sin stays away for a while and I can focus on Rafe, as soon as Sin comes back, whatever progress was made washes away the second Sin’s eyes meet mine.
I can’t keep doing this. I don’t want to keep doing this. I don’t want to be the one who breaks up this non-relationship because I don’t know how he’ll react, but I don’t want to actually hurt him. I didn’t even think I could. Honestly, I didn’t think I mattered to him enough for that.
“Tell me something,” I begin. “If you feel this way, why are we doing this? If you have felt for days like you couldn’t trust me, if you have spent all this time thinking I slept with someone else behind your back, why keep up the pretense? Why not just confront me and end whatever it is we’re doing here?”
“There is no end to this, Laurel. This isn’t a relationship. It’s bigger than that. You’re not some sub I got sick of, you’re the woman I impregnated. I’m not just going to kick you out because we aren’t making each other happy.”
I blink at him. “If we’re not making each other happy, then… maybe it’s because we aren’t right for each other. It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with either one of us, there’s
no villain here, we are just two people who had a really great hook-up, and maybe that’s where it was supposed to end. Obviously I care about you and you care about me, and nothing will change that. We’re bonded, but… that doesn’t necessarily mean we have to be together. I don’t want to be your Lydia. I don’t want to be your domestic dumping ground, the thing you have to deal with at the end of the day because of some archaic bullshit. I don’t want to make you unhappy, but I’m not going to spend the rest of my own life unhappy to stay in a lukewarm relationship, either. I’m no martyr. I’m some girl you knocked up by accident. I know we like each other, I know we’re attracted to each other, but whatever the reason, this thing is not taking off. Maybe it’s time we call it. We don’t owe each other a relationship, Rafe. We’re not doing anything wrong by giving up and moving on.”
“Morelli men don’t divorce, kitten. Especially bosses.”