I don’t bother arguing with him, even though he’s clearly wrong. Having experienced Rafe myself, I wouldn’t wish him on her anyway. She’s probably better off if he resides in denial and never looks at her that way.
With everything else going on, I forgot all about Marlena. If Rafe still expected her to be here, then he doesn’t know she’s dead. Will he find out, or will she just turn up missing? I have no idea how Sin killed her, or what he does with a body after a kill.
Then again, Sin said everything changes tomorrow, so Rafe probably won’t have time to find out that Miss Cotton Candy kicked the bucket unless it happens tonight. He hasn’t said whether he’s staying at the house tonight or going out, but he clearly likes to go out, and since I’m not the most pleasant company tonight, he probably won’t stay in.
On one hand, that’s good, but on the other… I still don’t want anything to happen to Rafe. It’s so hard to prepare for tomorrow when I have no idea what will happen. My hope was that Rafe would suddenly come around today, then tonight I could reach out to Sin and tell him a miracle happened, Rafe will let us be together, call off whatever horrible thing he has planned.
I only have tonight and I was told explicitly not to interfere.
We get through the meal without fighting about anything else, but it’s not the friendliest meal we’ve ever had together. It brings to mind the people-watching date we were supposed to go on, but we never got around to it. Something is always in the way for us. Anytime either of us has a spark of interest in the other, something happens to douse it.
It’s not that I think I would be utterly miserable with Rafe all the time, it’s just that being with Rafe would be settling, and I shouldn’t have to settle. It’s crazy to even consider Rafe settling when I’m sure so many women he has been with would trade a kidney for a chance to keep him, but I don’t want to
spend the rest of my life sleeping with a friend, and that’s all Rafe is to me. He doesn’t ignite me the way Sin does. I could never greet him with the same genuine enthusiasm. Sin insists I won’t feel this way about him forever, that the infatuation will wear off someday, the passions will cool, but even if he’s right, that will be after I got to experience it. While I am infatuated with him, we’ll be building a solid foundation. If the excitement ever wears off, the relationship we built will still be there.
That’s what is missing with Rafe. I have never been in love with him, and he has never been in love with me. In order for the flame to catch, there needs to be a spark to ignite it, and we can’t seem to spark at the same time. I only like him when we’re in bookstores or I’m worried for his life, and he only likes me when I’m naked or effortless.
Rafe and I don’t just lack the building blocks to form a strong foundation, we can’t even find the building blocks store. Meanwhile, when I’m with Sin, building blocks rain down from the sky like colorful tiles in Tetris.
I’m not a quitter, but I’m not a settler, either. Why should I settle into a relationship with someone I have never loved, just because one night of fun went horribly wrong and resulted in the joining of our genetic materials?
I can’t and I won’t, but I’m really struggling with the possibility that Sin might be planning to hurt him. Like we just talked about at the bookstore, how can my happiness grow from the ashes of someone else’s misfortune? Maybe Rafe is capable of being happy at the expense of someone else, but can I? I’m not like him. I haven’t been raised to only look out for myself. I was raised by a loving, compassionate sister who sacrificed endlessly to make sure I had all the opportunity in the world. Carly would sacrifice her own happiness for a loved one if it came down to it. Can I be the kind of person she would be proud of if I let this happen?
At this point, is there anything I can even do to stop it?
I adore Sin, but I got the distinct feeling that he is going to do what he thinks needs to be done now, and my opinion on the matter is not pertinent. On one hand, I get it. It’s not like this is the first time Sin has expressed such a stance, and this time he has much more validity than the others. This is his wheelhouse, not mine. He wouldn’t trudge into my lab and tell me how to mix chemicals in my Erlenmeyer flask, so I shouldn’t try to dictate how he handles conflict within his crime family. I don’t know all the facts of the situation, and I don’t want to do anything that could potentially endanger him. But on the other hand, I don’t know how I’ll live with this.
When Rafe gets up to go to the bathroom and leaves me alone at the table, I get out my phone. There’s nothing from Sin—which I expected—but I open up a text to him and send him an emoji with a single tear dropping from its eye.
He immediately sends back, “What’s wrong?”
“I’m sad,” I inform him.
“Why are you sad?” he demands.
“Because I want us to all be here for the baby. I want us to all get along and be friends. I don’t want our happiness to grow out of something ugly and horrible.”
“This whole way of life is ugly and horrible, Laurel. It’s a little late to have a crisis of conscience.”
“I know that. I don’t care about that. I just don’t want the people I care about to pay the price for our happiness. I don’t understand how that’s impossible.”
That time, he doesn’t respond. It’s just as well. I need to put my phone away before Rafe comes back anyway. Virginia brings the check to the table, and when Rafe comes back, he slides some cash into the black billfold and pushes it toward the edge of the table.
“Ready?” he asks me.
I nod and gather my things while he grabs the takeout boxes. I got so lost in sad thoughts that I lost my appetite, so I have leftovers for lunch tomorrow. If I even get to have lunch at Rafe’s house tomorrow.
Before we make it to the exit, Virginia comes after us, calling, “Rafe, wait.”
He stops and turns back to face her, glancing at the billfold she’s clutching. “What?” he asks.
Grimacing, she asks, “Is there any chance I could get a slightly bigger tip?”
He laughs, startled. “What?”
“I’m working on a side project, trying to help someone out, and I have to invest a little money into it since he doesn’t have it.”
Now he scowls. “Who? Is some asshole trying to take you for a ride?”