‘Only Gideon wasn’t there, so it was a waste. No—’ she sighed and shook her head ‘—it was worse than that. Justin ripped up at her. Accused her of stealing his lucky sword and insinuating herself into my good graces so she could get her hands on his title... Oh, all of it was so unjust. And it was all my fault. If I hadn’t made her take me, none of it would have happened. They would still be together. They’d be getting married.’
‘You can’t know that.’
‘Yes, I can. She told me,’ she said gloomily. ‘Besides, he danced every dance with her. And looked at her the way I’ve never seen him look at anyone else. Ever. And she looked at him the same. They were in love, Tom. And I ruined it.’
‘No. If they really loved each other, nothing you or anyone else could have done would have ruined it.’
‘Oh, stop making excuses for me, Tom. I am the most selfish woman alive. And sly, to boot. Yes, sly! To think I congratulate myself on never telling an outright lie. I just hint, you see, then let people think whatever they want, particularly if it enables me to do exactly what I want. Take the ball, for example. I made Gussie think I was going with a respectable matron, rather than another single lady. And let Mary think Gussie knew I was going with her, when I hadn’t actually spoken her name at all.’
‘Well, that isn’t so bad, is it? I mean, it wasn’t as if you were sneaking out to meet a lover, or really misbehave, was it?’
‘No. But that’s just it, you see. I’m always making excuses for sliding out of confrontation, rather than standing up for myself and telling them what I really want. I even sneaked away from Antwerp, rather than telling Blanchards I needed to come here. Well, he wouldn’t have let me come, you see, so rather than alert him, and have him take steps to stop me I...’ She shook her head, closing her eyes briefly. ‘It was Sunday morning. Gussie wasn’t feeling well enough for church. So I asked him if he was going to stay with her. And let him assume I meant to go with friends. And went and changed into my riding habit, telling my maid that I planned to go for a ride, and she could take the morning off, which got rid of her. Because, you see, none of the staff Blanchards hired had ever seen me being anything but ridiculously proper, never venturing anywhere without a maid, or a groom, or some other respectable escort. They wouldn’t have dreamed I could do anything so unladylike as saddle my own horse, let alone ride off on it without summoning my groom. But I didn’t,’ she said, lifting her chin defiantly, ‘because he wouldn’t have let me get anywhere near Brussels, either. And anyway, if he’d known of my plans and failed to stop me he would have lost his job.’
After a moment’s pause, he ventured, ‘You’re not totally selfish. You took steps to protect that groom. And you did stand up to Major Flint.’
‘Yes. Yes, I did, didn’t I?’ She took in a juddering breath. ‘But it was the first time I’ve ever done anything like that. You must think I’m dreadful.’
‘No. I could never think that.’
‘Haven’t you heard a word I’ve just said, Tom? I’m cowardly, and deceitful, and stubborn and wilful, and unfeminine.’
‘Unfeminine? How can you say that? I watched you charming and flirting your way through Brussels society these past few weeks.’
‘Oh, no, Tom, acquit me of that. I never flirt.’
‘Nevertheless, you had no end of admirers.’
‘I did nothing to encourage them, though,’ she insisted. ‘In fact, I made sure that the only ones whose escort I accepted were ones I was sure wouldn’t look upon me with marriage in mind. It’s a game I’ve become adept in playing. Keeping Mama happy. For if she sees me surrounded by admirers, she thinks I am at least trying to select a suitable husband.’
‘But you aren’t?’
‘No. Even the trip to Paris was an attempt to persuade her I was doing my best to make a good match. Between us, Gussie and Gideon and I put notions of foreign princes into her head, until she started thinking it was all her own idea to send me to meet new and more exciting men than the ones I ran across Season after Season in London. And all the time—’ her shoulders slumped ‘—it was just a ruse to get close to where Gideon was stationed.’
‘But...Bennington Ffog...’
‘Oh.’ She shifted guiltily. ‘Well, you see, he was Gideon’s commanding officer. And Gideon had asked me to be kind to him. And it wasn’t as if he was clever enough to outwit me by manoeuvring me into a situation where he could get an opportunity to propose. Besides...’ she lifted her chin, ‘I was pretty sure he didn’t have marriage in mind. I always thought he just enjoyed being more successful with me than any other officer. It suited us both.’
She shuddered. ‘Oh, heavens. I’m turning into my mother! For years, she used to get her own way only by scheming and cunning. And at the time, I didn’t blame her, because Papa was such a brute that I’m sure it was the only way she could survive. But what excuse do I have?’
She put her hands to her cheeks in chagrin. Screwed her eyes shut for a moment. Then drew herself up, and faced Tom with new resolve on her face.
‘I’m going to change, Tom. I’m going say what I believe, from now on. Like my sister Harriet. Yes, I shall be forthright, and honest, and good.’
‘Really?’ Tom’s heart sank. If she really did turn over a new leaf, where did that leave him? Discarded, most like.
As if to confirm his fear, she said, ‘I shall go straight round to visit Justin and tell him that he is not to worry about me.’ She waved a hand between them. ‘About us.’
‘No. I mean, do you think that is wise?’ His heart was hammering. The Colonel was bound to make her capitulate. Not only had she just admitted she hated confrontation, but Ramrod Randall wasn’t the man to brook any opposition to his will. Not that he could say so. Not after she’d just informed him she was going to stand up for herself. She’d think he didn’t have any faith in her.
With the skill of an experienced soldier, he reached for the one weapon he knew he could use against her without it blowing up in his face. He’d play on her nurturing nature.
‘If he is really so ill he cannot even write a letter, but must have Miss Endacott do it for him—’ and, come to think of it, he must be in bad case, or he’d have torn Sarah from his arms well before now ‘—then do you think he is really well enough to endure a confrontation?’
‘Oh.’ She looked deflated for a moment, then brightened up. ‘Well, perhaps I won’t go right this minute. Tomorrow will be soon enough, won’t it? One more night together won’t make much difference, will it? From the way Robbins looked at me, and Major Flint, too, my reputation was ruined from the moment I brought you up to my room. Are you really so bad,’ she said, turning on him a look of naked curiosity, ‘that just nursing you is enough to ruin a perfectly innocent woman?’
‘Yes.’ Though he burned with shame to admit it, he’d vowed never to lie to her.
‘Why? What have you done?’ She leaned her chin on her hand and gazed at him with fascination.