I nod.
“How about another appointment? Not for hypnosis, but to talk. I’d like to help you find your path again.”
Again, I nod. “I’d li
ke that. Right now, I feel more lost than ever.” She reaches for my hand and gives it a reassuring squeeze. “Why did I block this out?”
Dr. Sanders crosses her legs. “Our psyche is delicate. Without more knowledge of who you are, I’m guessing you didn’t want to ruin your relationship with Ben, and you knew it would. It did. Your mind shut down and did the only thing it knew to do, erased what could potentially change your life.”
“And in the process, Ben distanced himself from me.”
She uncrosses her legs and leans forward. “Without knowing Ben, my guess is he feels something for you, and your rejection of him was the door slamming in his face. The only way to find out is to speak to him.”
I shrug. “That’s just it. I can’t find him.”
* * *
After therapy, I drive to parents. When I pull into their driveway, the garage is open and my dad’s bike is gone. I shouldn’t be surprised. It’s gorgeous out and my parents like to go for rides. Still, I park and head inside, shocked to find my mom sitting on the couch. As soon as we make eye contact, tears begin to stream down my face.
“Elle, what’s wrong?” she asks, getting up and rushing over to me. I’m in her arms, being cradled against her chest, before I can even mutter a single word. “Ssh, it’s okay.”
“But it’s not, Mom.”
My mom continues to hold me, swaying back and forth, while humming the lullaby she used to sing to us when Peyton and I were babies. I wish I knew the song, and maybe someday, I’ll ask her, but right now just hearing it calms me.
“I messed up.”
“It’s only school. We can figure it out.”
“It’s not school.”
She pulls away and looks into my eyes. I don’t even bother wiping away my tears. “Come on, let’s sit. Do you want something to drink?” I shake my head and take a seat on the sofa, which has the most amazing oversized pillows. My mom sits and faces me, reaching for my hand. “What’s going on?”
“Do you remember when Noah and Peyton flew in for Ben’s birthday?”
She nods.
“And the next day, I came out by myself?”
“I figured Ben was with is family.”
I shake my head. “The night of Ben’s birthday…” I pause. My throat is tight. It’s one thing to finally have a recollection, but to say the words a loud to my mother, is another thing. “I hurt, Ben,” I tell her. “And I don’t know how to fix things.”
She sighs. “I’m not even going to ask what happened because I don’t want to invade your privacy. I’m assuming it’s a private matter?”
I nod.
“But you want to talk about it?”
I shrug. “I guess what I want to know is, how do I tell someone I want something more from them?”
Mom clears her throat. She starts to smile, which makes me grin in return. “When I met your dad, I wanted nothing to do with him. Your uncle Liam had hired me to be the manager of the band, which was an utter joke. I didn’t know anything about the industry, but I had to put food on the table for you girls.
“Harrison was everywhere. It didn’t matter where I was or what I was doing, he was there. At first, I thought he was annoying and I wanted him to leave me alone, but after awhile, I started to crave his attention. I’d look to him for validation in the job I was doing.
“Plus, the way he was with you and Peyton… it’s hard being a single mom and having this guy bond with your children. I wanted you to always remember your father and was so afraid he would be replaced that I made Harrison feel like crap. I led him on. My emotions were hot and cold. One minute, I wanted to be with him. The next, I wanted him out of our lives.”
“And now you can’t imagine your life without him?”