I didn’t abuse his trust. Neither of them touched me, other than the brushing of a finger when they handed me drinks.
But he doesn’t know that. He doesn’t think about that. He’s filled with rage.
As much as I love this kiss, want this kiss, I push him away, breaking it.
“This isn’t happening,” I say.
“Want to bet?” He chuckles at his own joke.
“Yeah, I’ll bet the house. I’ll bet the entire Steel fortune. Because I know you, Dale. I know you’re an honorable man, and you’ll do nothing without my consent. I hereby do not consent to anything. Not until you tell me what the hell that was about down there.”
“Fine,” he says. “I drove five hundred miles to see you and find you sandwiched between two Texans. That’s what this is about.”
My lips tremble. “I wasn’t sandwiched.”
“Flanked, then. Use whatever word you want. It’s all a euphemism for threesome, anyway.”
“That’s it, then. You’re bothered by the fact that I’ve had a threesome.”
He says nothing.
“What I did before I knew you has nothing to do with us. With how I feel about you.”
“Then what was tonight about?”
“I sat between them at a blackjack table,” I say defiantly. “I didn’t fuck them.”
“They wanted to.”
“So what? Lots of women want to fuck you too. That doesn’t mean they get to.”
“Maybe, but I don’t encourage them.”
“You think I encouraged Carlos and Mike?”
“For God’s sake, Ashley, of course you did. With all your experience, surely you know men by now. They’re always looking for a pretty girl to fuck. Show one spark of interest, and they think you’re game.”
“I was interested in learning blackjack, not in fucking them.” I shake my head. “This is crazy. I honestly thought you were different from most men. I honestly thought…”
“What?” he demands. “What did you think?”
“I thought we had a chance, Dale. Don’t you get it? I like sex, okay? I like it a lot, and I’ve had a lot of it. But I never got serious with anyone I had sex with because it was only sex on both sides. But you… It’s different with you. It means more. It’s not just physical. It’s… It’s…”
“What is it, exactly?”
“It’s emotional. I love you, Dale. I love you so much. And I… Damn! I just want things to be the way they were.”
I stop then. The way they were? Nothing has really changed. It’s never been perfect with Dale. Perfect would be a relationship without an end in sight, not one confined to two months.
“Things change, Ash,” he says finally. “The fire…”
“I know, babe, and I’m so sorry.” I walk toward him tentatively. “But—”
“Please.” He gestures with his hands as he interrupts me. “Don’t tell me how good I have it. Don’t lecture me on Steel privilege. Don’t tell me the Pikes got hit worse. And don’t tell me I’m self-absorbed. I can’t take it right now.”
I drop my mouth open. I have no words.
“There are things about me—things I hide deep inside—that will never change. That I’ll never heal from. Things that have nothing to do with the fire or the Syrah.”
I reach toward him, but he backs away, shaking his head.
“Don’t ask me to open up. I can’t.”
Jade’s voice haunts me from within. Don’t push.
What don’t I know? Something before the adoption. It has to be. But what?
Something terrible. Worse than growing up without a home? Worse than going to bed cold and hungry? Worse than… Worse than being raped and left pregnant?
My God, I can’t go there. Not Dale. Not my Dale.
“All I want is to be here for you,” I say softly. “Anything else is up to you.”
Chapter Twenty-Five
Dale
Surprising.
Ashley doesn’t ask me to elaborate.
Not that I would, but why doesn’t she ask?
She claims to love me yet doesn’t ask about my background?
Odd.
Do I trust in her love?
Do I trust she had no intention of hooking up with the Texans?
She smiled and jumped off her chair when I showed up. She threw herself into my arms.
Yes, she was happy to see me.
And as usual, I ruined it.
I can’t ruin this anymore. It’s not a matter of trusting Ashley. In my heart, I know she’d never be unfaithful to me. Sure, seeing her between two men who clearly wanted to get into her pants pissed me off, but not because I doubt her.
Because I doubt myself.
I doubt my own ability to make her happy. To be what she deserves. Hell, I don’t just doubt. I fucking know. I know she deserves a hell of a lot better than what I’m capable of giving.
I sigh.
Maybe it’s time to put that to bed.
I trust her, so I need to trust myself.
Give myself the gift that she’s given me. Complete trust.
There’s a reason I haven’t made a bigger commitment, and it’s not because my love for her isn’t enough.
My love for her is infinite. All-consuming. Never-ceasing.