Parker was also proving my theory. For instance, when Parker and Roger first started seeing each other, Parker got sick. Roger went to his house to cook him dinner and take care of him. That would never happen with a straight guy. If a straight guy got sick and he’d just started dating a woman and she wanted to take care of him, he would freak out—he would think that she was trying to wheedle her way into his life. And the door would slam shut.
“Love is dangerous,” Skipper said.
“If you know it’s dangerous, that makes you treasure it, and you’ll work harder to keep it,” Parker said.
“But relationships are out of your control,” Skipper said.
“You’re nuts,” Parker said.
Roger went to work on Skipper. “What about old-fashioned romantics?”
My friend Carrie jumped in. She knew the breed. “Every time a man tells me he’s a romantic, I want to scream,” she said. “All it means is that a man has a romanticized view of you, and as soon as you become real and stop playing into his fantasy, he gets turned off. That’s what makes romantics dangerous. Stay away.”
At that moment, one of those romantics dangerously arrived at the table.
A LADY’S GLOVE
“The condom killed romance, but it has made it a lot easier to get laid,” said a friend. “There’s something about using a condom that, for women, makes it like sex doesn’t count. There’s no skin-to-skin contact. So they go to bed with you more easily.”
LOVE AT THE BOWERY BAR, PART III
Barkley, twenty-five, was an artist. Barkley and my friend Carrie had been “seeing” each other for eight days, which meant that they would go places and kiss and look into each other’s eyes and it was sweet. With all the thirty-five year olds we knew up to their cuffs in polished cynicism, Carrie had thought she might try dating a younger man, one who had not been in New York long enough to become calcified.
Barkley told Carrie he was a romantic “because I feel it,” and he also told Carrie he wanted to adapt Parker’s novel into a screenplay. Carrie had offered to introduce them, and that’s why Barkley was there at the Bowery Bar that night.
But when Barkley showed up, he and Carrie looked at each other and felt . . . nothing. Perhaps because he had sensed the inevitable, Barkley had brought along a “date,” a strange young girl with glitter on her face.
Nevertheless, when Barkley sat down, he said, “I totally believe in love. I would be so depressed if I didn’t believe in it. People are halves. Love makes everything have more meaning.”
“Then someone takes it away from you and you’re fucked,” Skipper said.
“But you make your own space,” said Barkley.
Skipper offered his goals: “To live in Montana, with a satellite dish, a fax machine, and a Range Rover—so you’re safe,” he said.
“Maybe what you want is wrong,” said Parker. “Maybe what you want makes you uncomfortable.”
“I want beauty. I have to be with a beautiful woman. I can’t help it,” Barkley said. “That’s why a lot of the girls I end up going out with are stupid.”
Skipper and Barkley took out their cellular phones. “Your phone’s too big,” said Barkley.
Later, Carrie and Barkley went to the Tunnel and looked at all the pretty young people and smoked cigarettes and scarfed drinks. Barkley took off with the girl with glitter on her face, and Carrie went around with Barkley’s best friend, Jack. They danced, then they slid around in the snow like crazy people trying to find a cab. Carrie couldn’t even look at her watch.
Barkley called her the next afternoon. “What’s up, dude?” he said.
“I don’t know. You called me.”
“I told you I didn’t want a girlfriend. You set yourself up. You knew what I was like.”
“Oh yeah, right,” Carrie wanted to say, “I knew that you were a shallow, two-bit womanizer, and that’s why I wanted to go out with you.”
But she didn’t.
“I didn’t sleep with her. I didn’t even kiss her,” Barkley said. “I don’t care. I’ll never see her again if you don’t want me to.”
“I really don’t give a shit.” And the scary thing was, she didn’t.
Then they spent the next four hours discussing Barkley’s paintings. “I could do this all day, every day,” Barkley said. “This is so much better than sex.”