As long as the girls don’t touch me. As long as we just talk I can keep the pretense up.
But Molly likes to get into my personal space. And I don’t let anyone into that space, and getting close to me without warning is a trigger.
That’s how I have to think of myself now. Like a gun, the safety off, the chamber full of bullets, ready to go off at the slightest touch.
I don’t sleep well. For some reason, kissing Sydney has stirred up the pot of memories, dredging up more bad stuff, stuff I’m not even sure are memories or just products of my sick imagination.
So I’m rather short with people I know, and I make mistakes. That stresses me even more. It’s a vicious loop.
It’s a few days later, and I’m trying to fix an error in the customer information spreadsheet, cursing a blue streak under my breath, when I catch movement out of the corner of my eye.
Big guy Chuck lumbers over to the front desk and jabs a thumb over his shoulder. “A girl here to see you. Says she knows you.” He winks.
He fucking winks at me. Asshole.
“What girl?” I mutter. “Sydney?”
She’s the only girl I can think of. There aren’t any other real girls in the world, I swear. They’re pretty aliens, impostors, and she’s the only real thing.
And isn’t that fucking nuts?
But it’s not her. When I glance toward the entrance, I do a double take.
“Hey, Nate.” The girl walks over to me, a bit self-consciously, eyes darting right and left. “What’s up?”
“Hey, Soph. Whatcha doing here?”
“You told me about your new job, remember?”
“Yeah, but…” But I didn’t think she’d come find me here. Or anywhere else. Guess I’m pretty good at compartmentalizing my life. My buddies. My feelings.
Except when someone startles me, smashes through my walls and headbutts right to the very terrified center of me.
Like Sydney did.
“Nate…”
“What?” I blink at Sophie. Did she say something?
“I said, would you like to go for a coffee when you have your break?”
Right.
“Thing is, Soph… I already had my break. I won’t be having another one today.” I try to avoid her gaze. “Sorry.”
Lame. And dishonest. I haven’t had a break yet today. But compartmentalizing and all that. Maybe the hopeful expression on her face ju
st means she’s lonely and hoping to be friends.
Or maybe it’s more than that. It’s not the first time she asked me to go for a coffee with her. Sophie is great, and within the controlled space of work, she’s safe. But if it’s a misunderstanding, if she tries to touch me, and I freak out… Yeah. Better not test this.
Plus, she’s not Syd. Nuff said. End of story.
“Okay. I’ll be going, then, leave you to it.” She looks disappointed.
Hell, she’s probably disappointed. She came here to see me, and I refused to spend a single free moment with her.
Again.